The Sandwich Life

I give you....

Indiana "Owen" Jones

Random Notes from the Funeral

1.  So many people came that I never expected to come.  So many flowers and cards and gifts that I never expected. It really warms me.  I hope that I manage to be half as gracious and kind as everyone has been to me.

2.  Wearing heels for the first time in 7 months = VERY unhappy calf muscles and feet.  There's a reason I've given up on them.

3.  I think my mother and I were both a bit numb.  Debbie, Ernie and Leo really cried...particularly my sweet Leo...looking like a little baby rock star dressed up for a funeral....crying in my arms during the funeral.

4.  Owen demanded to sit next to my mother....'because he loves her so much and wanted to hold her hand when she got sad."

5.  Owen and Debbie brought the gifts to the altar.  Father Joe was so kind and told Owen how proud his grandfather would be.  My Owen.

6.  The funeral was wonderful----I felt somewhat suspended in time and place.  It seemed to be the fastest mass I have ever sat through----I guess I wanted to hang on to it.  Father Joe's words about my father were spot on.  It was a lovely service and I am really grateful to him and the other members of the church that made it so special.

7.  When we left for the cemetery the boys were ravenous.  RAVENOUS.  Of course I hadn't thought ahead well enough about timing and snacks.  Leo, who isn't a big eater, kept saying " I could eat a QUARTER of this vehicle."  So we stopped at a gas station and I let them have some chips.  Thus when we got to the cemetery there was the faint aroma of Doritos floating around the grave.

8.  Owen of course had to look inside the box at the cremated remains.  They were wrapped in plastic but he got to poke his hand into them a bit.

9.  I like the little cemetery.

10.  Afterwards we went to lunch at Silvercreek.  I'm kind of neutral about Silvercreek but it seemed like a good spot and it's right down the street from my mother's house.  When we got there they said they were shortstaffed and hoped we weren't in a hurry.  We weren't but it gave me pause....however we ended up with the most wonderful waitress I've ever had in my life.  Later she told us she'd just stopped in to pick up her check but decided to help out.  We were seated in the bar area and we felt like we had our own private little spot---it was perfect.  Mid-meal Owen started chatting with her--explaining that we'd just come from his Grandpa's funeral and that we'd turned him into ashes.  They had quite a conversation and she ended up coming and sitting down and chatting with my mother---asking how long they'd been married and how they met etc.  She really turned a lunch of exhausted people into something special.  We left her a good tip but there's no way to really tell her how special she was.  Isn't that amazing?  More unexpected kindness.....

11.  The man that takes care of my parents' yard came yesterday morning  and mowed it all as a gift.  Then he fortunately was there when my mother fell and  was able to get her back into her wheelchair.  When my mother and Debbie got home after the funeral there was a plant on the porch waiting for them from him and his wife.  Yet more unexpected kindness...

12. Getting the boys dressed yesterday morning was the only iffy part of the day.  Leo said he didn't want to wear socks and I said fine because it was such a HUGE concession for him to tuck in his shirt and I figure you have to pick your battles.  However I hadn't realized how much he'd grown and how short his pants would be.  I think it gave him rather a rakish air however.....

Exhaustion

I'm exhausted.  To be expected I suppose.  The funeral was lovely and I am so touched by all of those that were there or sent flowers.  Many thank yous to be made when I'm a bit more alert.

I'm very proud of my boys.

Here's Leo frowning, because well...he's Leo and he was personally insulted at having to tuck his shirt in.

Owen of course was in a helpful, cheerful mode, bringing the carseats over from the other car.

Here they after the cemetery...on our way to lunch....slightly untucked and more relaxed. Of course Leo's still frowning because....well, he's Leo and doesn't like having his picture taken. They were angels today though....gorgeous little boy angels.

On the way home from the cemetery Owen piped up and said if he had a fairy that would give him wishes he would wish that Grandpa was young and strong.  There was a long pause and then Leo said, "well, and alive."  I love my sweet peas.

Randomness from the Sandwich Life

1.  I'm supposed to be asleep....but here I sit.  I took a sleeping pill last night but those things fuck with me so I'm on my own tonight.  I guess it's better this way.

2.  Ernie and I went and picked out cemetery plots for my folks last night.  Of course we forgot the checkbook...bright, huh?....so we had to go back to Rantoul today to drop off a check.  We were both bleary but I saw a snake as I walked to the van so that woke me up.  We were both kind of quiet but it felt good to drive out in the country with music playing.  I had an old Kevin Welch tape of Western Beat on.  It's old and worn so if I turn it up too loud it sounds terrible but I played it loudly anyway.  We felt better driving back home so as I drove Ernie acted out the Kevin Welch and Mike Henderson parts from the couple of videos off that album. Why aren't THOSE videos on frigging youtube?

3.  Speaking of Kevin Welch videos there was one on tv the other day but as I was on the phone talking about my father's funeral I didn't feel that I could say "can I call you back because I REALLY need to watch a fifteen year old video."  I just kept talking and poked my head through the door to watch....

4. Speaking yet again of Kevin Welch and Kieran Kane (et. al.) it looks like our insanity is really going to pay off as we have now officially booked them to play at our 20th wedding anniversary this fall.  We need to send the contract off with a boatload of money (not that they don't deserve far more...it's just in our little household it's a boatload of money) and then they will be OURS (so to speak).  Something to look forward to.  Part of my whole living-the-hell-out-of-the-present approach to life.....

5.  Is this the cutest picture you've ever seen?  O.k., o.k., you've heard me talk before about how much I love my Sarah Eckhardt and just look at her with her baby!!!!  And Silas is even wearing Leo (and then Owen's) old raincoat that Debbie sent them. I couldn't bear to give that away to just anyone so I saved it for Silas....

6.  Met with the priest today with my sister Debbie and my mother and tried to make all the decisions for my father's funeral. 

7.  Annette....I love you.

8.  People are SO kind.

10.  Perhaps it's time for bed. I took some pictures in my yard recently but I'm too tired to upload them.

11.  Thanks for all the kind thoughts everyone....I have been SO touched by them.

12.  Sleep well.

Dad's obituary

Here's what I wrote for Dad's obituary.  I hope it gets across a little bit about him as a man.

URBANA – Joseph E. Voelkl, 83, of Urbana, formerly of Lisle, Illinois died Friday (May 9, 2008) at Heartland Healthcare in Champaign.

A funeral mass will be held at 10:00 a.m. Thursday at St. Patrick’s Catholic Church in Urbana.  The Rev. Joseph T. Hogan will officiate.  Burial will be in Maplewood Cemetery in Rantoul.

Mr. Voelkl was born December 7, 1924, a son of Joseph and Anna Voelkl in Rochester, New York.  He married Pauline Nelson in 1952.  She survives.  Also surviving are three daughters, Deborah Russo of Jamaica Plain, MA, Judith Voelkl of Clemson, SC, Cynthia Voelkl of Champaign, son-in-law Ernest Blackwelder and two beloved grandsons, Leo and Owen Blackwelder.

He served in the South Pacific on a Navy LST during World War II.  A proud veteran, he knew the cost of war and his heart broke for the men and women serving in the current war.  A lifelong fighter of injustice, his greatest joy as an attorney was winning a case for the underdog.  He loved American history, antiques, and the history of habeas corpus.  His spirit will be greatly missed by those that knew him.

hey all

The incredible comments and emails and calls and food and housecleaning and drinks, etc. have meant SO much to me.  I can't thank you all enough.  ever.

Ernie and I went to the emergency room with my father on Thursday after he fell in the nursing home.  His head was fine but we found that he was in kidney failure.  We knew this was coming but the quickness of it all was a shock.  They told us it was a matter of days.  He went back to the nursing home and was put into hospice care.

In hindsight I am glad we had that warning as otherwise it would have been even more of a shock.  I took my mother over that afternoon.  He wasn't really responsive but he did reach out and hold her hand.  Ernie brought the boys over to say good bye to him. I called the church and a priest visited him for last rites.

We couldn't decide whether or not to go ahead with Ernie's surgery but in the end we did.  So Friday morning I took Ernie to surgery.  My dear friend Gisela sat with me during the surgery and the recovery.  I am so glad she was there.  My parents' homecare worker (who has been wonderful) took my mother over to the nursing home.  My mother told my father she loved him, told him good bye and told him it was o.k. to go.  They left and two hours later my father died.

I got a call when I was in post-op with Ernie. My cell phone cut out and I frantically tried to call back.  I called my mother's number and it was busy.  I finally got through to the nursing home and they told me he had gone.  Gisela held me.

I left and went to my mother's.  Bob came and picked up Ernie and brought him home, picked up the boys and stayed until I got there.

I can't really mourn the man who was in the nursing home.  He would never have found peace or happiness there.  I mourn the father of my past though. 

My sister Debbie will get here this morning.  My sister Judi will probably not make it----she is still too weak.  She's struggling because she wants to be here but she is here in spirit as always.

We weren't well-prepared for this.  Should have been....but we weren't.  Ernie and I will go to the cemetery later today and pick out the plot.  Mom decided to use the cemetery that Ernie's parents are in.  That way Ernie and the boys and I can go out there and have all our parents there.  It's out in the country.  I think my father would like it.

I'm waiting for someone from the church to call back.  Once we get things set with that I'll feel better.  Looks like things will probably be Wednesday or Thursday.

I'm working on his obituary.  I'll post it here when I'm done.

oh, and Ernie is doing well.  He still has some pain of course and I can't wait until I can give him a true hug but he's doing well.  He's up and around and easing off the pain pills----trying to keep the cats and the boys away from his stomach.....  I don't know what I'd do without him at the best of times much less times like these.

Joseph Edward Voelkl 1924-2008

My father died today at 2:20 p.m.

Bleh.

Bleh.

Annoying emails.

Bleh.

My father fell out of his wheelchair again and wasn't being responsive so he's in the emergency room. 

They have to get a doctor's orders for restraints.

Bleh.

It's raining nicely and I didn't get me seeds in but I figure it's Ernie's fault since he didn't buy cosmo seeds like he did in my dream. HA.

Bleh.

Owen got his hair cut yesterday and looks more like Berni than ever.  I must get a picture. 

Bleh.

I have to work late tonight.

Bleh.

Tomorrow is Ernie's surgery.

Bleh.

Bleh.

Bleh.

Scattered

My mind is more scattered than ever.  Last night I was going to try to plant my zinnias and nasturtiums and I said to Ernie, "I can't find the cosmo seeds you bought the other day."  The man just stared at me and finally I said, "uh....did I just dream that?" and he nodded his head.  Huh.  Oh well, I'm going to go buy the rest of the seeds I need....like cosmos.....and plant tonight if possible.  We'll see what the rain is like today.

I'm confusing my dreams with reality, I can never remember what time of year it is.....I assume this will all correct itself at some point and I'm not dealing with early dementia....  Speaking of dementia, someone from the church visited my dad yesterday but he wasn't responsive enough to take communion.  It made me very sad.

I want the week to hurry up so we can get Ernie's surgery over with.  I wish I knew what time it will be but we don't find out until Thursday afternoon.  Hopefully it will all work out with the boys' schedules, etc.

In the meantime I have the Kinks' Victoria going through my head constantly....

Oh, and yes Don, I SO wish someone had gotten a picture of Berni and Owen having a conversation.  We'll have to lure Berni and Wendy down again sometime.  Owen refers to Berni as 'the guy that likes Lego."

What did YOU do in high school?

You know, remember when I went to a meeting or two of a women's group? Well, I haven't gone back and I really should take my name of the email list but I don't because I keep thinking that maybe  I will go again sometime as I did like the women involved.  But I'm just not good at, mmmm, I don't know....directed activities I guess.  Don't forget I was a Brownie drop-out. 

Anyway, I had to laugh.....the theme of the next meeting is to bring an example or talk about things you liked to do in high school, such as Girl Scouts, a craft or 4-H.

Good thing I'm not going....I'd have to bring antique glass, some pot and a Van Halen record....

Sarcastic and Music Obsessed

One of my favorite local bloggers, Katherine from Chambana Fanna Fo Fanna has started a News-Gazette blog and recently wrote a post on Mother's Day and local blogs by mothers.  In it she linked to several of us and described me as 'sarcastic and music obsessed.'

Sarcastic and music obsessed.  I am delighted.  Katherine, I love you!

You know sometimes you're in the midst of the blur of the present and you begin to feel like you've lost some of what makes you you.....  I think if I had to describe myself right now I'd say 'aging and stressed out' or 'frazzled but caring' or even 'overweight and on antidepressants.'  Instead she saw 'sarcastic and music obsessed.'  It made me feel more like me.  I asked Ernie, "am I sarcastic?" and he just rolled his eyes.  Huh.  Music obsessed....I guess I am....it feels natural to me. ME.

Sarcastic and music obsessed.  You know....nowhere in that description does it say aging parents, kids, cancer, alzheimer's.

Thank you SO much Katherine.

From the Garden: May 6, 2008