We went and bought a new TV for my mother's room in the nursing home. The one from her kitchen was miniscule when it was across the room from the bed. I printed out a list of phone numbers for her in big type and a picture of both boys. I put a roll of scotch tape in my pocket so I could tape them to her table and wall. The four of us went over to deliver everything. We walked in her room and saw an oxygen mask over her face and nurses either side of her. I cautiously said, "what's up?" and they told me the ambulance was on the way.
It just fucking broke my heart. I cried all the way home....with Owen patting my shoulder from the back seat. It's just that I felt so hopeful yesterday. You know when I met with the nursing home admissions person on Thursday afternoon I liked her so much---and the whole approach to admissions, as compared to the other nursing home, that I swear I had to urge to hug her when I left. Honestly....I wanted to hug this woman whom I don't know at all. And yesterday Mom seemed to feel good and was pretty cheerful---I know she must have been a bit nervous but she teased me about liking the nursing home just because of the Prairie Style details so I mean...she was Mom.
We drove the boys home, got them lunch and then headed for the ER. I yelled at the nurse and although it was basically valid I still wished I hadn't. Then of course I cried as I tried to talk about the DNR. She was incredibly kind. Really, really kind.
It went on and on and on. Finally they got her stabilized with her breathing and she'd gotten pain medication and was knocked out. We left...Ernie bought me a drink at Fries and Peanuts and I tried to decompress. We came home to my sweet peas.
I'm exhausted and my eyes sting. Usually I don't break down this much when she's in the ER....it's just that I felt HOPEFUL yesterday. HOPEFUL. And it felt really good to feel that way. And I guess it was foolish.
Now I'm just sad....and then I wonder if I should cancel my party but you know I can't cancel my life....so I guess I'll just hope that it all works out because you know....I really need David Olney. I need what his music does for us. I need it really bad.