Intensity

I felt brain dead last night so we just threw just chicken breasts in a pan and roasted them at 500 degrees for awhile. Some microwaved, crunched and browned little potatoes and pretty red cabbage and onion sauteed for a bit and we were done. 

I was braindead all day. I wasn't very organized at work, I managed to send an email to hundreds of people with the wrong time for an event. I can't say my back over the last week was the worst pain in the world but it did hurt and I felt as though it put me in a bit of a fog that I'm still coming out of. In fact today was the first day that I didn't think about my back immediately when I got out of bed. Yay!

It made me think about how inpatient I could sometimes be with my mother when in fact I know she lived with pretty constant pain. My mother wasn't confused until the end when she was very ill so I knew her mind was fine but sometimes it would seem as though there was a bit of cotton layer in front of her. I thought about that yesterday as I pushed the week's cotton layer away from my face.

Hindsight yet again. I try not to live with regret because I know I did the best I could with my parents but the older I get the more I see.

February is not my favorite month and I have been trying to figure out why I've been kinda blegh. I happened across an old blog entry recently though and I thought....oh. yeah. February. It's February you idiot. The month Judi died...and then a year later my mother. I didn't remember the anniversary of Judi's death this year....until it was a few days past. Progress I suppose. That's not the date I should recall about her life.

Sometimes I go back and read old posts or old emails....it's almost like picking a scab. Will I still cry this time? And then I can't decide if I'm happy or sad if I don't. Sometimes it's as though I almost feel guilty for how easy our life is right now. I used to look at people leading lives much like our right now----a life with its ups and downs to be sure, but without the intense caregiving and the struggle of watching those you love die. I would be jealous when I looked at people like that and wonder if they knew how lucky they were. And I guess now sometimes now I feel guilty...or it just feels strange not to have that intensity and I want to remind myself of that. I'm not sure whether that's a healthy or urge or not though.

I read an email from Judi's beloved Gina yesterday, from early February of 2009:

 

Judi was visited on Saturday by Buddhist monks thanks to the Hospice chaplain who was able to find out that these Tibetan monks would be visiting in Champaign over the weekend.  They wore their beautiful robes and sat with Judi and chanted which Cynthia described as beautiful.  This was so very special for Judi. 

 

Judi continues to wane.  She is very weak, and even talking on the phone is difficult for her.  They have switched her pain medicine to a Fentanyl patch.  It seems to be working well especially with the even distribution of the pain killer.  I talked to Judi very briefly a short while ago, and she confirmed that the Fentanyl is helping.

 

She really wants Cynthia close by, so Cynthia is taking this week off from work.  It's been an exceptionally tough time because Ernie had to go for a bone scan on Thursday as a result of a followup on his prostate cancer, and they found something that now requires an MRI which will be done next Monday.  I am flying up on Sunday and can hopefully help with Judi and the boys while Cynthia and Ernie pursue his appointments.  Judi's sister, Debbie, will arrive this Wednesday which will be a big help to Cynthia.  Cynthia has also had to take their mom to the emergency room very recently due to her health problems, so Deb's timing is perfect. 

 

Intensity. Sometimes I think that's what makes moments of our life most memorable. Not what is good or bad necessarily but what is most intense. When I look back at things like early Vertebrats shows....it was so intense....it was the music but it was also the intensity that comes with being 18, 19, 20 and having music speak to you. Can it be that intense again? Not in the same way I don't think.....

Eh.....enough rambling.....just my February thoughts....now I must go to work and push some more cotton away.