I wonder if I will ever NOT have a cold again. Not even a tiny little bit of one, which is where I seem to be now. The snow makes me happy, but the unrelenting up and down cycle of colds and coughing is wearisome. Paging through facebook in a bored moment, I came across one of those endless quizzes....this one had you pick your favorite of a group of pictures of doors. I chose mine and was told that "Not putting yourself first has made your life a safe and complacent one." I found myself yelling, "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, FUCK you!" Then I realized I was a tad grumpy and perhaps I should step AWAY from facebook.
I guess I am tired...and grumpy. I'm anxious as we wait for Ernie's next appointment with the oncologist even though I don't really think there's a mystery. I think it's pretty clear that is most likely another tumor, or spread of the fucking cancer. My children are absolutely wonderful but they both have some issues that can be wearing and make me doubt myself. Last night one of them was rude to me and it weighs on me. My first reaction is anger at the one that was rude, but later it is always frustration and sadness that I have failed to correct that behavior. Impossible to have a perfect child, I know, but it still haunts me on the days that I wake up coughing and having doors tell me that I have a safe and complacent life.
Fuck you Door #7.
And fuck you Cancer.