The Sandwich Life

Sola Gratia Farm Week One

Sola Gratia Week One! Given that I have no memory any more it wasn’t  until about 4:15 that I remembered that it was pick up day for our CSA. I called Ernie and he raced over to pick the box up before he got me from work.

GORGEOUS!!!

I had to go out to a cleaning party (anything for my friend and colleague Nancy and I’m actually kind of excited about giving Ernie new cleaning tools--ha!). She lives in a small town south of here and I gotta say it felt so good to drive fast with loud music as I headed to her house. I wanted to stop and take pictures of all the flags lining the drive to the airport but I was running late so refrained. On a different note I was really saddened to see the  destruction of the brick building on the corner of Curtis Road and 45. I’ve always had a soft spot for the building. Sigh.

I got home later than planned but Ernie had gone ahead and grilled some chicken and fed the boys. He’d husked the corn and taken the kernals off the cob. I looked in our merry little box and decided to go with the turnips.

I must admit to being a turnip novice. I had looked at some recipes that sounded good---roasted with balsamic vinegar, gratins, soups, etc. but they all sounded like something more for fall turnips. These are the sweetest, most tender, white little globes you’ve ever seen. So Ernie just sliced them super thin and we dressed them with lemon juice, olive oil and salt and pepper. The I threw some olive oil and garlic in a pan, and after a bit tossed in the chopped turnip greens, sautéed them a bit and then added the corn and sautéed until everything had sweetened up and softened. We put the turnip salad on top of the corn and greens.

 
Pretty pictures? Uh, no because I was damn hungry. Delicious? YES!!!

Anyone have any recommendations for radishes? We’ve got some beautiful little red ones and a couple of gorgeous white daikon. I wish I could capture the texture of that beautiful white matte-ness (I know that’s not a word).  Just beautiful!!

 

Looking Back

This blog has brought about many unexpected benefits....a few unexpected disasters as well...but primarily benefits.  One of them is the comfort I find in rereading old posts.  I don't know that comfort is the right word....but I find it very...mmmm...centering.  Looking back at where we were a year ago, two years ago.....it helps to put things into perspective.  Today is my mother's birthday.  She would have been 82.  Last night Owen asked me if I missed her a lot.  I told him I missed her every single day and he apologized for making me sad.  I told him it was o.k. to be sad because it just showed how much we loved her and we were very lucky to have had that love.  He nodded seriously and patted my arm.

As he often does, he made me think.  I thought back at how our lives have changed.  I reread some entries from September of each year here. As I read them I could see the path that has led to who I am right now...this age, this person, this philosphy, this life.  Me.

A year ago we were starting to get back into a more normal schedule....dealing with Ernie's cancer returning but without the weight of worry and caring for my parents and my sister.  Two years ago we were dealing with my mother's decline and the accumulation of vehicles and other things we had inherited. Three years ago we had just found out that Judi's cancer had returned and that she was not expected to go into remission again.  Four years ago I was beginning the trips to South Carolina as my sister was diagnosed with bile duct cancer.  Five years ago we were seeing my father really start to move into the cloud of Alzheimer's and were worried about caring for them.

Five pretty long years....although they have gone by quickly in other ways. 

Thanks blog....you've helped me through them....and Happy Birthday Mom.

 

 

 

 

 

Random Notes from the Sandwich Life

1.  Man, I was out of sorts last night.  Don't know why.  I got home and wanted to treat myself to some time to figure out a new banner for my blog.  I don't like any of the standard templates and I assumed I could figure it out.  I was wrong.  I hated all the pictures I had, got hung up because my damn connection is so fucked up and couldn't figure it out after all.  And it's really not important but it drove me crazy. All the kids playing in the yard were irritating me even though they weren't doing a thing wrong.  I wasn't upset with anyone or about anything but I just felt frustrated and headachy and grumpy.  Ernie tried to be helpful and sympathetic but when he saw our neighbor Rob he brightened up at the thought of friendly company and scurried outside.  I sat inside by myself (!) and watched Hell's Kitchen.  Every so often the Lego playing creatures infiltrated but I couldn't complain as they were so damn cute.  Honest to God, Linda has one of the cutest families I've ever seen in my life and of course I happen to think mine are pretty damn cute too. When Owen saw what he was watching he wailed "Oh, I LOVE this show....can I watch it with you?" and he curled up next me and let me sniff him and kiss the top of his head every so often.

Watching bad tv and having a glass of wine (as well as snuggling with Owen) finally eased me somewhat. I'm worried about my mother and feel like I'm not doing enough for her.  I get in these states and the future scares me. Instead of thinking how good most of the present is I get hung up on the future. STOP DOING THAT CYNTHIA.

2.  My doctor is increasing my blood pressure medication.  Maybe that will stop the headaches I've been getting too.  I'll cross my fingers as they sure as hell don't help anything.

3. So what do you think my blog banner should look like?  What  do you think would represent this blog?  Even though I put pictures of the guys up all the time somehow I don't want them on my banner.  I haven't been able to bring myself to change my tagline about having elderly parents....I think I'll have to leave it that way.  A week from today it will be two months since my father died.

4.  Another question to put to a vote:  Should Ernie agree to paint the dining room orange?  I guess if I were a really good blogger embed a little voting thing.  Oh well. Another time....

hey all

The incredible comments and emails and calls and food and housecleaning and drinks, etc. have meant SO much to me.  I can't thank you all enough.  ever.

Ernie and I went to the emergency room with my father on Thursday after he fell in the nursing home.  His head was fine but we found that he was in kidney failure.  We knew this was coming but the quickness of it all was a shock.  They told us it was a matter of days.  He went back to the nursing home and was put into hospice care.

In hindsight I am glad we had that warning as otherwise it would have been even more of a shock.  I took my mother over that afternoon.  He wasn't really responsive but he did reach out and hold her hand.  Ernie brought the boys over to say good bye to him. I called the church and a priest visited him for last rites.

We couldn't decide whether or not to go ahead with Ernie's surgery but in the end we did.  So Friday morning I took Ernie to surgery.  My dear friend Gisela sat with me during the surgery and the recovery.  I am so glad she was there.  My parents' homecare worker (who has been wonderful) took my mother over to the nursing home.  My mother told my father she loved him, told him good bye and told him it was o.k. to go.  They left and two hours later my father died.

I got a call when I was in post-op with Ernie. My cell phone cut out and I frantically tried to call back.  I called my mother's number and it was busy.  I finally got through to the nursing home and they told me he had gone.  Gisela held me.

I left and went to my mother's.  Bob came and picked up Ernie and brought him home, picked up the boys and stayed until I got there.

I can't really mourn the man who was in the nursing home.  He would never have found peace or happiness there.  I mourn the father of my past though. 

My sister Debbie will get here this morning.  My sister Judi will probably not make it----she is still too weak.  She's struggling because she wants to be here but she is here in spirit as always.

We weren't well-prepared for this.  Should have been....but we weren't.  Ernie and I will go to the cemetery later today and pick out the plot.  Mom decided to use the cemetery that Ernie's parents are in.  That way Ernie and the boys and I can go out there and have all our parents there.  It's out in the country.  I think my father would like it.

I'm waiting for someone from the church to call back.  Once we get things set with that I'll feel better.  Looks like things will probably be Wednesday or Thursday.

I'm working on his obituary.  I'll post it here when I'm done.

oh, and Ernie is doing well.  He still has some pain of course and I can't wait until I can give him a true hug but he's doing well.  He's up and around and easing off the pain pills----trying to keep the cats and the boys away from his stomach.....  I don't know what I'd do without him at the best of times much less times like these.

Bleh.

Bleh.

Annoying emails.

Bleh.

My father fell out of his wheelchair again and wasn't being responsive so he's in the emergency room. 

They have to get a doctor's orders for restraints.

Bleh.

It's raining nicely and I didn't get me seeds in but I figure it's Ernie's fault since he didn't buy cosmo seeds like he did in my dream. HA.

Bleh.

Owen got his hair cut yesterday and looks more like Berni than ever.  I must get a picture. 

Bleh.

I have to work late tonight.

Bleh.

Tomorrow is Ernie's surgery.

Bleh.

Bleh.

Bleh.

Scattered

My mind is more scattered than ever.  Last night I was going to try to plant my zinnias and nasturtiums and I said to Ernie, "I can't find the cosmo seeds you bought the other day."  The man just stared at me and finally I said, "uh....did I just dream that?" and he nodded his head.  Huh.  Oh well, I'm going to go buy the rest of the seeds I need....like cosmos.....and plant tonight if possible.  We'll see what the rain is like today.

I'm confusing my dreams with reality, I can never remember what time of year it is.....I assume this will all correct itself at some point and I'm not dealing with early dementia....  Speaking of dementia, someone from the church visited my dad yesterday but he wasn't responsive enough to take communion.  It made me very sad.

I want the week to hurry up so we can get Ernie's surgery over with.  I wish I knew what time it will be but we don't find out until Thursday afternoon.  Hopefully it will all work out with the boys' schedules, etc.

In the meantime I have the Kinks' Victoria going through my head constantly....

Oh, and yes Don, I SO wish someone had gotten a picture of Berni and Owen having a conversation.  We'll have to lure Berni and Wendy down again sometime.  Owen refers to Berni as 'the guy that likes Lego."

Random Notes from the Weekend

1.  ahhhh, where to start?  Well, Friday afternoon I spent with my mother at the nursing home meeting with social workers, administrators, nursing staff, etc.  Everyone was very kind but it was very long.  Then we went upstairs to see my father and it was not so good.  First we found him at 4:30 in the afternoon with no frigging hearing aids in his ears.  He may have dementia but he still can't communicate without his hearing aids. We've asked several times before that he have them in all the time so this time I was livid.  Absolutely livid.  I stomped into his room, got his hearing aids, stomped back to him and put them in his ears.  I said "is that better?' and he nodded yes.  Then I stomped down to the nurses station and raised my voice loudly.  They stared at me and nodded.  Later someone came by to give him his pills (ground up in apple sauce) and my mother brought it up again....the nurse started asking me who I wanted to speak with and I said, "I DON'T CARE WHO I SPEAK WITH I JUST WANT HIS HEARING AIDS IN HIS EARS EVERY SINGLE DAY."   Given that we were sitting in a lounge area with lots of residents and visitors there were a few stares. They quickly brought the nurse manager over and she was kind and responsive and of course I cried because that's what I do when I get really mad.  I went home too exhausted to do anything about getting ready for the party.

2.  Saturday was cold and windy, not the spring day I had pictured.  Ernie's been in terrible pain from his hip which makes me worry.  He can't take any ibuprofen or aspirin until after his surgery and since let's face, the man is a walking ibuprofen tablet, it's been tough on him. Then our power went out mid day and I said, "oh fuck the cleaning."  Ernie persevered but somewhat halfheartedly.  I figured that everyone coming liked us already and wouldn't care about our house. Hopefully I was right.

3.  If you'd ever told me when I was  18 years old and devoted to the Vertebrats that Kenny Draznik would be sitting in my living room singing Left in the Dark I would have thought you highly imaginative to say the least.  It was so wonderful to see Kenny and Paul.  And to have other friends like Pat, Diane, David, etc., etc., because I can't name everyone.  What a wonderful and warming evening.

4.  I'm hoping Kenny's gotten over how many people I invited.  It really wasn't supposed to be many....but things happen....

5. Sunday I had to go to work and coordinate a children's event.  Not at all what I was in the mood for but poor Ernie got nursing home duty so I guess I came out ahead.

6.  One of my favorite things about Saturday night was watching some of the kids sitting on the stairs behind the guys.  Owen sat there bobbing his head and tapping the railing in time to the music.  When he would see me looking he would grin and give me a thumbs up.   Then it became two thumbs up and then he flashed all ten fingers and THEN a thumbs up which evidently means thumbs up to the tenth degree. Yesterday when I asked him how he liked the music he widened his eyes hugely and said, OH, I LOVED IT MOMMY and nodded vigorously.  Leo dryly commented that he liked it but the music was a little loud.

7.  I also liked it when Owen told me how nice it had been talking to Don's mom (sorry Sarah)....

8. Back to work this morning but I feel a little stronger with that night behind me....thanks everyone....

Paul, Kenny, Wendy, Bernie, Ernie (why does he always do that in pictures?), Pat and Jeff

Who Wouldn't Want a Question-mark Shaped Scar?

Just wrote a long post and lost it.  Damn computer.  Oh well...suffice to say that Ernie will be celebrating Eileen's birthday on May 9 by having surgery.  The surgeon thinks the hernia may be a result of his prostatectomy incision and there is the chance he'll end up with a question-mark shaped scar.  I kind of liked that part. He won't be able to lift anything heavy for awhile after the surgery of course----which will include my mother's wheelchair.  Should be interesting.

I visited my father after work and it was pretty tough.  He was in bed and I couldn't get him to respond at all.  He opened his eyes a couple of times but didn't seem to see me.

I got home and cried and cried. Then I made Ernie play some of my favorite Ian Hunter songs.  He protested, saying that they would make me cry.  I assured him they wouldn't and then cried all the way through them. Oh well, at least the boys were outside playing.

Got two cards yesterday---from my friend Gisela and from our dear friends Jim and Diana.  Thanks guys....those kind thoughts really do help.

Onward.

The Evening

We went over to have pizza with my mother tonight.  I sat with her in the living room while she cried.  She and Ernie visited my father today and there he sat slumped in a wheelchair with all the other residents.  She started talking about getting their homecare person in five days a week and bringing him back home.  I think she knows she can't but she just cries. 

I gotta say that at the end of the day sitting while your wheelchair bound mother cries to you "I love him so much, I want him home.  I can't believe I put him in that horrible place. I should have taken better care of him" is not the easiest thing to do. I don't blame her a bit.....I understand her pain. This is far more painful than I expected. I knew it would be hard but I have to admit that I didn't think it would be this hard.

Anyway, after dinner Ernie and Owen went to the Urbana Library to see Sarah Lee Guthrie and Johnny Irion.  Yesterday I told Owen we might go to a concert and he let out a big sigh and said, "FINALLY!"  Leo and I came home though.  He did his homework and is now working on a house in the Lego Digital Designer.

Me, I'm just sitting here looking at my filthy house wondering where on earth I would find the energy to do something productive and wondering when I'll get rid of this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Maybe I'll write something cheerful tomorrow.

Notes More Random Than Ever....

1.  My father was moved into a nursing home last night.  Yesterday was a long day....half day of work, then nursing home, hospital, etc. with my mother.  My father talks a little but mostly just sleeps.

2.  Leo has a new business plan with some friends.  They will have a cupcake/chocolate chip cookie/lemonade business in the park near us.  It will open June 7, 2008.  Owen was hired but left in a 'you can't fire me because I quit' kind of altercation.

3.  Owen says he sees colors when he hears music.  He also wrote a song called Cut Out the Mad. 

4.  Went out to Artists Against Aids last night with Bob and Ann.  I rambled a lot talking about my father.  They are incredibly kind and loving friends.

5. You know how all I do is complain about taking my father to church?  The thought of not taking him tomorrow breaks my heart.

6.  My mother isn't doing well.

7.  What would I do without my sweet peas?

8.  Speaking of peas...some of my pole beans and sugar snap peas are up!

9.  The drive to South Carolina last week was really beautiful.  As I hit southern Illinois and Kentucky it was all blooming redbuds contrasting with the bright, bright green of new leaves.  Than as I went through Tennessee it became the black-green of pines against the bright new green leaves.  Then I hit South Carolina and it was an explosion of color---dogwoods everywhere, azaleas glowing and the red dirt below it all.  Amazing.