The Sandwich Life

Random Notes from the Sandwich Life

1.  Man, I was out of sorts last night.  Don't know why.  I got home and wanted to treat myself to some time to figure out a new banner for my blog.  I don't like any of the standard templates and I assumed I could figure it out.  I was wrong.  I hated all the pictures I had, got hung up because my damn connection is so fucked up and couldn't figure it out after all.  And it's really not important but it drove me crazy. All the kids playing in the yard were irritating me even though they weren't doing a thing wrong.  I wasn't upset with anyone or about anything but I just felt frustrated and headachy and grumpy.  Ernie tried to be helpful and sympathetic but when he saw our neighbor Rob he brightened up at the thought of friendly company and scurried outside.  I sat inside by myself (!) and watched Hell's Kitchen.  Every so often the Lego playing creatures infiltrated but I couldn't complain as they were so damn cute.  Honest to God, Linda has one of the cutest families I've ever seen in my life and of course I happen to think mine are pretty damn cute too. When Owen saw what he was watching he wailed "Oh, I LOVE this show....can I watch it with you?" and he curled up next me and let me sniff him and kiss the top of his head every so often.

Watching bad tv and having a glass of wine (as well as snuggling with Owen) finally eased me somewhat. I'm worried about my mother and feel like I'm not doing enough for her.  I get in these states and the future scares me. Instead of thinking how good most of the present is I get hung up on the future. STOP DOING THAT CYNTHIA.

2.  My doctor is increasing my blood pressure medication.  Maybe that will stop the headaches I've been getting too.  I'll cross my fingers as they sure as hell don't help anything.

3. So what do you think my blog banner should look like?  What  do you think would represent this blog?  Even though I put pictures of the guys up all the time somehow I don't want them on my banner.  I haven't been able to bring myself to change my tagline about having elderly parents....I think I'll have to leave it that way.  A week from today it will be two months since my father died.

4.  Another question to put to a vote:  Should Ernie agree to paint the dining room orange?  I guess if I were a really good blogger embed a little voting thing.  Oh well. Another time....

hey all

The incredible comments and emails and calls and food and housecleaning and drinks, etc. have meant SO much to me.  I can't thank you all enough.  ever.

Ernie and I went to the emergency room with my father on Thursday after he fell in the nursing home.  His head was fine but we found that he was in kidney failure.  We knew this was coming but the quickness of it all was a shock.  They told us it was a matter of days.  He went back to the nursing home and was put into hospice care.

In hindsight I am glad we had that warning as otherwise it would have been even more of a shock.  I took my mother over that afternoon.  He wasn't really responsive but he did reach out and hold her hand.  Ernie brought the boys over to say good bye to him. I called the church and a priest visited him for last rites.

We couldn't decide whether or not to go ahead with Ernie's surgery but in the end we did.  So Friday morning I took Ernie to surgery.  My dear friend Gisela sat with me during the surgery and the recovery.  I am so glad she was there.  My parents' homecare worker (who has been wonderful) took my mother over to the nursing home.  My mother told my father she loved him, told him good bye and told him it was o.k. to go.  They left and two hours later my father died.

I got a call when I was in post-op with Ernie. My cell phone cut out and I frantically tried to call back.  I called my mother's number and it was busy.  I finally got through to the nursing home and they told me he had gone.  Gisela held me.

I left and went to my mother's.  Bob came and picked up Ernie and brought him home, picked up the boys and stayed until I got there.

I can't really mourn the man who was in the nursing home.  He would never have found peace or happiness there.  I mourn the father of my past though. 

My sister Debbie will get here this morning.  My sister Judi will probably not make it----she is still too weak.  She's struggling because she wants to be here but she is here in spirit as always.

We weren't well-prepared for this.  Should have been....but we weren't.  Ernie and I will go to the cemetery later today and pick out the plot.  Mom decided to use the cemetery that Ernie's parents are in.  That way Ernie and the boys and I can go out there and have all our parents there.  It's out in the country.  I think my father would like it.

I'm waiting for someone from the church to call back.  Once we get things set with that I'll feel better.  Looks like things will probably be Wednesday or Thursday.

I'm working on his obituary.  I'll post it here when I'm done.

oh, and Ernie is doing well.  He still has some pain of course and I can't wait until I can give him a true hug but he's doing well.  He's up and around and easing off the pain pills----trying to keep the cats and the boys away from his stomach.....  I don't know what I'd do without him at the best of times much less times like these.

Bleh.

Bleh.

Annoying emails.

Bleh.

My father fell out of his wheelchair again and wasn't being responsive so he's in the emergency room. 

They have to get a doctor's orders for restraints.

Bleh.

It's raining nicely and I didn't get me seeds in but I figure it's Ernie's fault since he didn't buy cosmo seeds like he did in my dream. HA.

Bleh.

Owen got his hair cut yesterday and looks more like Berni than ever.  I must get a picture. 

Bleh.

I have to work late tonight.

Bleh.

Tomorrow is Ernie's surgery.

Bleh.

Bleh.

Bleh.

Scattered

My mind is more scattered than ever.  Last night I was going to try to plant my zinnias and nasturtiums and I said to Ernie, "I can't find the cosmo seeds you bought the other day."  The man just stared at me and finally I said, "uh....did I just dream that?" and he nodded his head.  Huh.  Oh well, I'm going to go buy the rest of the seeds I need....like cosmos.....and plant tonight if possible.  We'll see what the rain is like today.

I'm confusing my dreams with reality, I can never remember what time of year it is.....I assume this will all correct itself at some point and I'm not dealing with early dementia....  Speaking of dementia, someone from the church visited my dad yesterday but he wasn't responsive enough to take communion.  It made me very sad.

I want the week to hurry up so we can get Ernie's surgery over with.  I wish I knew what time it will be but we don't find out until Thursday afternoon.  Hopefully it will all work out with the boys' schedules, etc.

In the meantime I have the Kinks' Victoria going through my head constantly....

Oh, and yes Don, I SO wish someone had gotten a picture of Berni and Owen having a conversation.  We'll have to lure Berni and Wendy down again sometime.  Owen refers to Berni as 'the guy that likes Lego."

Random Notes from the Weekend

1.  ahhhh, where to start?  Well, Friday afternoon I spent with my mother at the nursing home meeting with social workers, administrators, nursing staff, etc.  Everyone was very kind but it was very long.  Then we went upstairs to see my father and it was not so good.  First we found him at 4:30 in the afternoon with no frigging hearing aids in his ears.  He may have dementia but he still can't communicate without his hearing aids. We've asked several times before that he have them in all the time so this time I was livid.  Absolutely livid.  I stomped into his room, got his hearing aids, stomped back to him and put them in his ears.  I said "is that better?' and he nodded yes.  Then I stomped down to the nurses station and raised my voice loudly.  They stared at me and nodded.  Later someone came by to give him his pills (ground up in apple sauce) and my mother brought it up again....the nurse started asking me who I wanted to speak with and I said, "I DON'T CARE WHO I SPEAK WITH I JUST WANT HIS HEARING AIDS IN HIS EARS EVERY SINGLE DAY."   Given that we were sitting in a lounge area with lots of residents and visitors there were a few stares. They quickly brought the nurse manager over and she was kind and responsive and of course I cried because that's what I do when I get really mad.  I went home too exhausted to do anything about getting ready for the party.

2.  Saturday was cold and windy, not the spring day I had pictured.  Ernie's been in terrible pain from his hip which makes me worry.  He can't take any ibuprofen or aspirin until after his surgery and since let's face, the man is a walking ibuprofen tablet, it's been tough on him. Then our power went out mid day and I said, "oh fuck the cleaning."  Ernie persevered but somewhat halfheartedly.  I figured that everyone coming liked us already and wouldn't care about our house. Hopefully I was right.

3.  If you'd ever told me when I was  18 years old and devoted to the Vertebrats that Kenny Draznik would be sitting in my living room singing Left in the Dark I would have thought you highly imaginative to say the least.  It was so wonderful to see Kenny and Paul.  And to have other friends like Pat, Diane, David, etc., etc., because I can't name everyone.  What a wonderful and warming evening.

4.  I'm hoping Kenny's gotten over how many people I invited.  It really wasn't supposed to be many....but things happen....

5. Sunday I had to go to work and coordinate a children's event.  Not at all what I was in the mood for but poor Ernie got nursing home duty so I guess I came out ahead.

6.  One of my favorite things about Saturday night was watching some of the kids sitting on the stairs behind the guys.  Owen sat there bobbing his head and tapping the railing in time to the music.  When he would see me looking he would grin and give me a thumbs up.   Then it became two thumbs up and then he flashed all ten fingers and THEN a thumbs up which evidently means thumbs up to the tenth degree. Yesterday when I asked him how he liked the music he widened his eyes hugely and said, OH, I LOVED IT MOMMY and nodded vigorously.  Leo dryly commented that he liked it but the music was a little loud.

7.  I also liked it when Owen told me how nice it had been talking to Don's mom (sorry Sarah)....

8. Back to work this morning but I feel a little stronger with that night behind me....thanks everyone....

Paul, Kenny, Wendy, Bernie, Ernie (why does he always do that in pictures?), Pat and Jeff

Who Wouldn't Want a Question-mark Shaped Scar?

Just wrote a long post and lost it.  Damn computer.  Oh well...suffice to say that Ernie will be celebrating Eileen's birthday on May 9 by having surgery.  The surgeon thinks the hernia may be a result of his prostatectomy incision and there is the chance he'll end up with a question-mark shaped scar.  I kind of liked that part. He won't be able to lift anything heavy for awhile after the surgery of course----which will include my mother's wheelchair.  Should be interesting.

I visited my father after work and it was pretty tough.  He was in bed and I couldn't get him to respond at all.  He opened his eyes a couple of times but didn't seem to see me.

I got home and cried and cried. Then I made Ernie play some of my favorite Ian Hunter songs.  He protested, saying that they would make me cry.  I assured him they wouldn't and then cried all the way through them. Oh well, at least the boys were outside playing.

Got two cards yesterday---from my friend Gisela and from our dear friends Jim and Diana.  Thanks guys....those kind thoughts really do help.

Onward.

The Evening

We went over to have pizza with my mother tonight.  I sat with her in the living room while she cried.  She and Ernie visited my father today and there he sat slumped in a wheelchair with all the other residents.  She started talking about getting their homecare person in five days a week and bringing him back home.  I think she knows she can't but she just cries. 

I gotta say that at the end of the day sitting while your wheelchair bound mother cries to you "I love him so much, I want him home.  I can't believe I put him in that horrible place. I should have taken better care of him" is not the easiest thing to do. I don't blame her a bit.....I understand her pain. This is far more painful than I expected. I knew it would be hard but I have to admit that I didn't think it would be this hard.

Anyway, after dinner Ernie and Owen went to the Urbana Library to see Sarah Lee Guthrie and Johnny Irion.  Yesterday I told Owen we might go to a concert and he let out a big sigh and said, "FINALLY!"  Leo and I came home though.  He did his homework and is now working on a house in the Lego Digital Designer.

Me, I'm just sitting here looking at my filthy house wondering where on earth I would find the energy to do something productive and wondering when I'll get rid of this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Maybe I'll write something cheerful tomorrow.

Notes More Random Than Ever....

1.  My father was moved into a nursing home last night.  Yesterday was a long day....half day of work, then nursing home, hospital, etc. with my mother.  My father talks a little but mostly just sleeps.

2.  Leo has a new business plan with some friends.  They will have a cupcake/chocolate chip cookie/lemonade business in the park near us.  It will open June 7, 2008.  Owen was hired but left in a 'you can't fire me because I quit' kind of altercation.

3.  Owen says he sees colors when he hears music.  He also wrote a song called Cut Out the Mad. 

4.  Went out to Artists Against Aids last night with Bob and Ann.  I rambled a lot talking about my father.  They are incredibly kind and loving friends.

5. You know how all I do is complain about taking my father to church?  The thought of not taking him tomorrow breaks my heart.

6.  My mother isn't doing well.

7.  What would I do without my sweet peas?

8.  Speaking of peas...some of my pole beans and sugar snap peas are up!

9.  The drive to South Carolina last week was really beautiful.  As I hit southern Illinois and Kentucky it was all blooming redbuds contrasting with the bright, bright green of new leaves.  Than as I went through Tennessee it became the black-green of pines against the bright new green leaves.  Then I hit South Carolina and it was an explosion of color---dogwoods everywhere, azaleas glowing and the red dirt below it all.  Amazing.

Sadness

Even though none of these developments with my father are a surprise I am still incredibly sad.  Very, very melancholy. 

I just had a long, long conversation with his doctor whom I like so very much.  Basically we're looking at getting him into a nursing home and perhaps hospice care.

My mother's heart hurts.  Last night she told me that every night...for 56 years...he would say to her "I love you a bush and a peck and a hug around the neck."  As Ernie drove her home from the hospital today she said, "I guess Joe will never come home again."

Last night I let Owen sleep with me...probably more for my comfort than his.  And as he snuggled in with me I hugged him and said, "I love you a bush and a peck and a hug around the neck."

Hitting the wall...

I hit a wall today.  I just smashed into it and couldn't go any further.

The trip to South Carolina was great.  It's a long drive and it would have helped not to have a cold but it was great to see Judi.  She looks fantastic and is feeling stronger.  This is her last round of chemo---then we really get to celebrate!  I put together (with the help of the inimitable Gina of course) a little spread of cakes and sweets for everyone in Judi's department that has helped her.  It was great to meet people and put faces together with some of the names I know.

Took off yesterday morning around 6:00 our time and made it home by 5:30.  If it hadn't been for Atlanta traffic I would have made it earlier.  It was a relatively painless drive...nice weather...but by the last hour or two I was tired of every tape I had in the van and every radio station known to man.

I can't begin to tell you how good it was to see my guys.  I missed them more than I ever have in my life.

So this morning I woke up...rather tired but got into work at 8:00.  I was talking to my boss and getting ready for a 9:00 meeting when the phone rang and it was Ernie...crying in pain.

Yup.

I went home and got him into the emergency room.  Since his prostatectomy he has had a slight hernia above his belly button, over the top of his scar.  It's never been horrible...it hurts a bit, he lays down, etc.  He'd talked to his doctor about it and he had said there wasn't really anything to do until it got worse.  Well, it got worse in a hurry today.  It was so horrible seeing him in such incredible pain.  They managed to get it back in and after a seemingly endless hour or two of watching Ernie gasp and shudder from the painful spasms it calmed down. So we have a surgery consult next Tuesday.  Yup.  Just what we need.

Our friend Matt was wonderful and picked up the boys and fed them lunch because oh yes, it was early dismissal day on top of everything else.  Geesh.  He told me that anytime I call him on the phone and ask him to do something while crying...he will do it.  Good man!

So we got home and both just sat in the living room.  Totally exhausted.

I called my mother and told her I just didn't know if I could get her to the hospital today.  She cried. 

You know....I had enough time to go get her...but I just had hit a wall.  I can't even explain it.  I just couldn't handle one more thing.  I left a tearful message on my friend Ann's answering machine and she and her husband came through as they always do for us.  Bob brought my mother over to the hospital.  I feel sort of guilty now but I tell you....I just couldn't handle it today. I just hit a wall.

We have a call in to the admissions person at the nursing home.  My mother is having a hard time.  They said he should be able to be released in a day or two.  They also called and said he was agitated and had given him something to calm him down.  I knew it would be like that.  I knew it.