This has been a long week....and it's only Thursday. I'm not quite sure why. I've had some difficult evenings....tired from work and struggling to understand why this is happening to Judi. Of course there's no way to understand it....it's just the randomness of life I guess but it is hard to come to terms with it. She's trying to get things in place.....as soon as she decides she can't live alone any longer she will come here. In some ways I'd like her to come tomorrow but I know how hard it will be for her to leave her house. She loves her house and it's an amazing place. The whole thing is hard on Ernie too. The other night he went off on a rant about winning the lottery and taking her to the top cancer centers to see if they could do anything. I just smiled at him sadly and kissed the tears in his eyes.
On a brighter note the boys have no school today and were floating on air all evening about it. They had no homework yesterday and were beyond excited. It's amazing to me what a big deal that is when they both do their homework in about 30 seconds..... Oh, to have that big a weight only take up 30 seconds!!
Last night I sat in the yard by the fire for awhile but then ended up going inside, made a quick stew of white beans, leftover pesto roast pork and chard and then curled up by myself in the media room and happily watched tv while my mind hopped around. Sometimes it's so nice to be alone.
Yesterday was Leo's birthday. His head almost exploded over all the Star Wars Lego...more to come on that. Unfortunately I had to work late last night but as soon as it was over I raced home, all excited to be with the guys. I walked in to utter meltdowns by both of them because Owen had accidentally broken up one of Leo's new Lego sets. They barely noticed I was home. Eventually everybody calmed down and they went back working on their Lego with Ernie, with Owen loudly singing the Star Wars theme. I eventually got the laptop and started reading political crap as no one seemed to particularly care that I was home. Had something to eat and then put Owen to bed. Came back downstairs and a little bit later Ernie took Leo upstairs. It took forever for him to put Leo to bed and finally I realized that he must have fallen asleep up there. I poured a glass of wine and watched political crap on tv and waited for the Tylenol PM to kick in.
sigh.
Up this morning to the sounds of Owen doing one of his patented I-don't-want-to-get-ready morning upheavals. Tried to help calm everybody down but it was one of those times when nobody wins. Ate some cold pizza and drank my coffeemilk.
Sometimes this is just the way it is.
Yesterday my friend Boo emailed me because she'd seen a notice of a public talk I have to give. We laughed about it (because I hate public speaking) and then she said, "I’m sorry, Cynthia—I know this isn’t fair, but I still think of you as that flighty girl who worked at Record Service and lived upstairs. I really get thrown when I see stuff like this…"
Man, I wish I WERE still that flighty girl who worked at Record Service....
Judi should be done with her CT scan by now. Tomorrow is her PET scan and then Wednesday she'll meet with her oncologist. Wish I could speed up things for her.
After I finish lunch I will be off to the doctor to see if he can figure out why my blood pressure keeps going up and I've had a non-stop headache for most of a week. I hope he can do something....right now I just want to crawl under my desk and lay down in the dimness.
Hmmmm. Well, whichever way you spell it, my eldest son and I are an awful lot alike. I was just telling my friend Beth last night (GREAT EVENING GUYS) that I have learned so much about myself---both good and bad---since having Leo. Now I don’t always want to admit that we are alike because he is damned difficult and incredibly stubborn and you know…..uh….that means I guess I am too. He also isn’t the most physically active guy by nature. Uh, me too. He’s pretty content to stay in the house and play. He’s also the one that at this point seems most interested in gardening.
Anyway, woke up a bit tired this morning and well, let’s face it…a tiny bit hung over (Matt and Beth are DANGEROUS friends) with a three day weekend lying ahead of me felt like I could be lazy. I sat and read all the political sites and blogs (Palin geez….) and happily drank coffeemilk. Ernie agreed that he felt like being lazy so we blew off the farmer’s market. By mid-morning I was still happily ensconced with my laptop but my husband started getting antsy so he cleaned up the kitchen. I continued to read. Then he offered to go pick up my mother’s prescriptions and maybe stop by the farmer’s market. “Sure,” I said as I continued to tap away on the computer. In the meantime I forced Leo off the playstation, tried to convince them to go outside to no avail. He Lego’d for awhile and then went up to the computer upstairs to do something. I sat here thinking about he really should be outside and then I realized that he’s just doing exactly what I’m doing. Doing exactly what he feels like doing…playing on the oomputer, feeling the warm breeze waft in and out of the windows. He really is my baby.
Owen on the other hand is completely unlike me in many ways. I really wish I were more like him sometimes. The other day as they were walking home he told Ernie he had to talk to our friend (and crossing guard) Becca. So he went over and asked her if he could come over to her house and play with her Lego (it’s not actually HER Lego, I assume it was her kids but they’re older now). Now at the age of six I could barely SPEAK to adults….much less come up with the idea that I wanted to go to their house and then confidently invite myself over. I would have died before asking even if I had desperately wanted to go. Amazing. Utterly amazing. Becca, kind soul that she is, said, “Oh, um sure Owen” and worked out a plan. Leo is going with him and they are WAY excited. All morning it’s been, ‘How much longer? How many minutes?”
1. Man, I was out of sorts last night. Don't know why. I got home and wanted to treat myself to some time to figure out a new banner for my blog. I don't like any of the standard templates and I assumed I could figure it out. I was wrong. I hated all the pictures I had, got hung up because my damn connection is so fucked up and couldn't figure it out after all. And it's really not important but it drove me crazy. All the kids playing in the yard were irritating me even though they weren't doing a thing wrong. I wasn't upset with anyone or about anything but I just felt frustrated and headachy and grumpy. Ernie tried to be helpful and sympathetic but when he saw our neighbor Rob he brightened up at the thought of friendly company and scurried outside. I sat inside by myself (!) and watched Hell's Kitchen. Every so often the Lego playing creatures infiltrated but I couldn't complain as they were so damn cute. Honest to God, Linda has one of the cutest families I've ever seen in my life and of course I happen to think mine are pretty damn cute too. When Owen saw what he was watching he wailed "Oh, I LOVE this show....can I watch it with you?" and he curled up next me and let me sniff him and kiss the top of his head every so often.
Watching bad tv and having a glass of wine (as well as snuggling with Owen) finally eased me somewhat. I'm worried about my mother and feel like I'm not doing enough for her. I get in these states and the future scares me. Instead of thinking how good most of the present is I get hung up on the future. STOP DOING THAT CYNTHIA.
2. My doctor is increasing my blood pressure medication. Maybe that will stop the headaches I've been getting too. I'll cross my fingers as they sure as hell don't help anything.
3. So what do you think my blog banner should look like? What do you think would represent this blog? Even though I put pictures of the guys up all the time somehow I don't want them on my banner. I haven't been able to bring myself to change my tagline about having elderly parents....I think I'll have to leave it that way. A week from today it will be two months since my father died.
4. Another question to put to a vote: Should Ernie agree to paint the dining room orange? I guess if I were a really good blogger embed a little voting thing. Oh well. Another time....
This is the first day I have found myself all wound up and stressed since my father died. Not that I haven't been stressed out since then but somehow I've felt as though I've been in a bit of a fog. The fog seems to be lifting for better or worse. I woke up this morning with Owen next to me and felt suspicious wetness. I wasn't surprised...he was so exhausted last night that he didn't wake up and peed all over us. Ugh. So I laid there getting all tense wondering why the hell I told my mother that I didn't need the perfectly good queen size mattress in her garage and let her give it to her home care worker. What was I thinking? Did I just forget about all the times Owen has managed to pee in our bed? But an even better question is why am I getting tense about this? Then I started worrying about the fact that I am supposed to be checking my blood pressure and calling my doctor but I keep forgetting to do that but I keep getting headaches as I do when it's high so why don't I just CHECK the damn thing instead of worrying about it? I have to take my mother to the doctor today and I'm a bit worried and I forgot that I have to wait for something to be delivered for work at the same time as her appointment and the secretary is out so I was going to have Ernie take my mom but she really wanted me to take her this time so maybe I'll have Ernie go to work for me and wait for the delivery. Am I crazy? I dunno know. Am I tense? Yes. Do I have a headache? Yes.
Bleh.
A couple of bright notes however:
Last night as it got dark Leo and Ricky pulled chairs out into the middle of the field next to us to sit and watch the bats (Batty and Fred). Leo came in when it was totally dark, shook his head and said, "there was some goooood bat action out there tonight."
The reason Owen slept in our bed was because he wanted to go upstairs and read when I did. So we both got into bed, I read my novel and he read a little bit of one of Leo's Indiana Jones books. Before we went upstairs he made himself a bookmark for it. It's so nice to lay next to someone you love and read. It may even be worth the pee in the bed....
It felt like a weekend of transition.....the boys get out of school tomorrow (after a whopping hour and a half there) so they were already in summer mode. My sister Debbie headed back to Boston....so sort of a transitional weekend for my mother as well. Here are my notes....random as always.....
1. In response to my last posting....Ernie is definitely the one that was insane to trim my hair for me. The last time I had him do that I think I was about eight months pregnant with Leo. The length of time will give you an idea as to the outcome. Evidently it's sort of like childbirth however and you start thinking 'oh, that wasn't so bad.' Eh....it'll grow back and I swear I'll never put Ernie through that again.....
Remind me of that....
2. Last night I was doing something in the kitchen, listening to music and Ernie came in and said, "I know you've been a little down lately-----listening to a hell of a lot of the latest Peter Case but you know sometimes when it's warm out and summer is starting....you have to listen to some power pop" and proceeded to put this on:
3. Friday I looked at the forecast and saw it was going to rain and therefore decided this was the PERFECT day to get Leo's Rail Simulator set up. So after calling all over town (I made my colleague Nancy do some of them because I hate making phone calls so) we finally determined that the closest copy we could find was in Bloomington so Ernie and Leo set off for Bloomington that afternoon only to drive through the predicted storms all the way. oops. By the time they got home the end of our street was totally flooded which gave the boys something to wade through which was good as I couldn't get the Rail Simulator to work. To put it on I had to install Parallels and then Windows on my Mac. I've worked on and off on this all weekend----got those two programs installed but can't get the Rail Simulator to work. The last time I remember being this frustrated with computers was the last time I had a PC. Oh well, Leo has been sweetly understanding thus far but I better get this figured out pretty soon. I installed the Rail Simulator but when I start I get error messages. Any ideas?
4. Saturday was a near perfect day-----we went to the farmer's market and got to see Wordy Diva Lisa IN PERSON as well as get asparagus, the most beautiful Bright Lights swiss chard ever, arugula, tons of spinach, some more smoked pork chops and a couple of steaks..... Then I took a nap. Ahhhhh. I never used to be able to nap but now..... Anyway, that night was Debbie's last night in town and we'd planned to go over there for pizza but with all that bounty in my kitchen I decided to cook. Ernie lightly grilled the chops and I sauteed onions with the swiss chard stems then added the leaves, a handful of currants and some red pepper flakes (marvelous if I do say so myself). Rounded it out with some roasted potatoes with herbs and we were too full to even have the strawberries for dessert. We sat outside (still have to get a ramp for my mother's wheelchair) and watched the bats come out as it got dark.
5. Owen went off to school this morning in jeans and a t-shirt and he looked so strange to me. It's been some time since I've seen him in anything but khaki (Indiana Jones) pants. Ernie took him to Champaign Surplus and got him a new pack that nobody could accuse of being an old purse. He also got a holster with a gun. I know, I know.....I was the one that didn't want toy guns. 'Only when you're Indy' I said faintly....
6. Oh....and here's Bob in a playful mood.....that's all for now.....more later.....
Does that look like a LITTLE? I can barely tie my hair back. O.K.....now let's take a little vote. Who is crazier/braver? Me...for asking Ernie to trim my hair? or Ernie.....for agreeing to do it?
Last night as I dealt with a whiny child, phones ringing, trying to figure out what to make for dinner, trying to figure out what I'm going to make for dinner for Debbie and my mother on Thursday, thinking that I should finally write my thank you notes, remembering some emails that I need to send and various other distractions.....I just leaned my head back on the chair I was sitting in and wailed, "I WANT TO BE IN A HOTEL ROOM ALL BY MYSELF."
too bleary to post this morning....Owen was up multiple times in the night crying with leg cramps. Any ideas? He wasn't dehydrated as he managed to pee in our bed thank you very much. It had happened the other night but he'd biked and run from dawn to dusk....not yesterday though. It's horrible to see him in pain and I might as well have skipped trying to sleep....ugh...
In other news my sweet Leo got an award for academic achievement yesterday. He'd been pretty pleased about it in his own quiet way but yesterday getting ready for the ceremony he was absolutely foul--screaming about the shirt I got him, etc. Finally my foggy brain clicked in and I said, "Leo honey, are you nervous about this?" and he kind of growled and said, "DUH." Now normally I would not consider that an appropriate response but given how clueless I'd been I didn't complain. He looked gorgeous and confident accepting his award however even though afterward he just said, "I did NOT like that." He is however, proud of his award. He has really been blessed with a great teacher this year----he has been a good fit for Leo anyway which I guess is what a lot of it is all about.
O.K....we didn't manage any good pictures...here he is walking up the steps to the stage of the Great Hall at KCPA.
and afterwards with Aunt Debbie and Grandma in the lobby:
I went to church with my sister Debbie and Owen yesterday. It was much more painful being there without my father than I could have imagine. I made it through the first part of the mass but I pretty much cried throughout the rest of it. Owen tried to comfort me by hugging me, telling me I'm the best mom in the world and finally, when nothing else worked....suggested I think about E.T.
The other evening we put on the tv and watched the second half of E.T. The boys had seen the first half once but lost interest. The other night it was raining and we all snuggled together to watch it. Owen got very anxious and worried as it progressed. Finally when E.T. came back to life and his spaceship came to get him he sobbed with happiness. Sobbed. I hugged him and said, "honey are you sad about Grandpa" and he haltingly replied between hiccups, "no, I'm just SO happy that E.T. went home. I'm just sooooo happy." As he blew his nose I hugged him and asked him if he wanted to sleep in our bed that night. I have a feeling I am the first of many to be manipulated by that boy.....
My friend Eileen says that the reason I've been so obsessed with drive-in movie theaters is because my parents never took me to one as a kid. She's probably right. She usually is.
Reportedly my older sisters went to the drive-in but I have no memory of it. The first time I remember going to the drive-in theater was with Eileen and I think it was the summer before college. I remember eating dried apricots and some kind of warm pop while watching a bad movie with a Cheap Trick song on the soundtrack.....
My friend Alice and I were in grad school together in the late 80's outside Detroit. We ended up photographing drive-in movie theaters throughout the midwest as well as brief trips to various other spots. We always said we were going to write a book but we never did. I just dug out the slides I have though and man, there were some great drive-ins!!! It's been twenty years so of course many of these are gone I'd love to hear from anyone if they have drive-in anecdotes or know if any of these are still around. I took some of the photos, Alice took some---I'll do the Lennon/McCartney things and just list us both on all of them. She can always switch the order of names after I die.
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