The Sandwich Life

Random Notes from the Sandwich Life

1.  Man, I was out of sorts last night.  Don't know why.  I got home and wanted to treat myself to some time to figure out a new banner for my blog.  I don't like any of the standard templates and I assumed I could figure it out.  I was wrong.  I hated all the pictures I had, got hung up because my damn connection is so fucked up and couldn't figure it out after all.  And it's really not important but it drove me crazy. All the kids playing in the yard were irritating me even though they weren't doing a thing wrong.  I wasn't upset with anyone or about anything but I just felt frustrated and headachy and grumpy.  Ernie tried to be helpful and sympathetic but when he saw our neighbor Rob he brightened up at the thought of friendly company and scurried outside.  I sat inside by myself (!) and watched Hell's Kitchen.  Every so often the Lego playing creatures infiltrated but I couldn't complain as they were so damn cute.  Honest to God, Linda has one of the cutest families I've ever seen in my life and of course I happen to think mine are pretty damn cute too. When Owen saw what he was watching he wailed "Oh, I LOVE this show....can I watch it with you?" and he curled up next me and let me sniff him and kiss the top of his head every so often.

Watching bad tv and having a glass of wine (as well as snuggling with Owen) finally eased me somewhat. I'm worried about my mother and feel like I'm not doing enough for her.  I get in these states and the future scares me. Instead of thinking how good most of the present is I get hung up on the future. STOP DOING THAT CYNTHIA.

2.  My doctor is increasing my blood pressure medication.  Maybe that will stop the headaches I've been getting too.  I'll cross my fingers as they sure as hell don't help anything.

3. So what do you think my blog banner should look like?  What  do you think would represent this blog?  Even though I put pictures of the guys up all the time somehow I don't want them on my banner.  I haven't been able to bring myself to change my tagline about having elderly parents....I think I'll have to leave it that way.  A week from today it will be two months since my father died.

4.  Another question to put to a vote:  Should Ernie agree to paint the dining room orange?  I guess if I were a really good blogger embed a little voting thing.  Oh well. Another time....

Winding up

This is the first day I have found myself all wound up and stressed since my father died.  Not that I haven't been stressed out since then but somehow I've felt as though I've been in a bit of a  fog.  The fog seems to be lifting for better or worse.  I woke up this morning with Owen next to me and felt suspicious wetness.  I wasn't surprised...he was so exhausted last night that he didn't wake up and peed all over us.  Ugh.  So I laid there getting all tense wondering why the hell I told my mother that I didn't need the perfectly good queen size mattress in her garage and let her give it to her home care worker.  What was I thinking?  Did I just forget about all the times Owen has managed to pee in our bed?  But an even better question is why am I getting tense about this? Then I started worrying about the fact that I am supposed to be checking my blood pressure and calling my doctor but I keep forgetting to do that but I keep getting headaches as I do when it's high so why don't I just CHECK the damn thing instead of worrying about it?  I have to take my mother to the doctor today and I'm a bit worried and I forgot that I have to wait for something to be delivered for work at the same time as her appointment and the secretary is out so I was going to have Ernie take my mom but she really wanted me to take her this time so maybe I'll have Ernie go to work for me and wait for the delivery.  Am I crazy? I dunno know.  Am I tense?  Yes.  Do I have a headache?  Yes.

Bleh.

A couple of bright notes however:

Last night as it got dark Leo and Ricky pulled chairs out into the middle of the field next to us to sit and watch the bats (Batty and Fred).  Leo came in when it was totally dark, shook his head and said, "there was some goooood bat action out there tonight."

The reason Owen slept in our bed was because he wanted to go upstairs and read when I did.  So we both got into bed, I read my novel and he read a little bit of one of Leo's Indiana Jones books.  Before we went upstairs he made himself a bookmark for it.  It's so nice to lay next to someone you love and read. It may even be worth the pee in the bed....

A Weekend of Transition

It felt like a weekend of transition.....the boys get out of school tomorrow (after a whopping hour and a half there) so they were already in summer mode.  My sister Debbie headed back to Boston....so sort of a transitional weekend for my mother as well.  Here are my notes....random as always.....

1.  In response to my last posting....Ernie is definitely the one that was insane to trim my hair for me.  The last time I had him do that I think I was about eight months pregnant with Leo.  The length of time will give you an idea as to the outcome.  Evidently it's sort of like childbirth however and you start thinking 'oh, that wasn't so bad.'  Eh....it'll grow back and I swear I'll never put Ernie through that again.....

Remind me of that....

2.  Last night I was doing something in the kitchen, listening to music and Ernie came in and said, "I know you've been a little down lately-----listening to a hell of a lot of the latest Peter Case but you know sometimes when it's warm out and summer is starting....you have to listen to some power pop" and proceeded to put this on:



3.  Friday I looked at the forecast and saw it was going to rain and therefore decided this was the PERFECT day to get Leo's Rail Simulator set up.  So after calling all over town (I made my colleague Nancy do some of them because I hate making phone calls so) we finally determined that the closest copy we could find was in Bloomington so Ernie and Leo set off for Bloomington that afternoon only to drive through the predicted storms all the way.  oops.  By the time they got home the end of our street was totally flooded which gave the boys something to wade through which was good as I couldn't get the Rail Simulator to work.  To put it on I had to install Parallels and then Windows on my Mac.  I've worked on and off on this all weekend----got those two programs installed but  can't get the Rail Simulator to work.  The last time I remember being this frustrated with computers was the last time I had a PC.  Oh well, Leo has been sweetly understanding thus far but I better get this figured out pretty soon.  I installed the Rail Simulator but when I start I get error messages.  Any ideas?

4.  Saturday was a near perfect day-----we went to the farmer's market and got to see Wordy Diva Lisa IN PERSON as well as get asparagus, the most beautiful Bright Lights swiss chard ever, arugula, tons of spinach, some more smoked pork chops and a couple of steaks.....  Then I took a nap. Ahhhhh.  I never used to be able to nap but now.....  Anyway, that night was Debbie's last night in town and we'd planned to go over there for pizza but with all that bounty in my kitchen I decided to cook.  Ernie lightly grilled the chops and I sauteed onions with the swiss chard stems then added the leaves, a handful of currants and some red pepper flakes (marvelous if I do say so myself).  Rounded it out with some roasted potatoes with herbs and we were too full to even have the strawberries for dessert.  We sat outside (still have to get a ramp for my mother's wheelchair) and watched the bats come out as it got dark.

5.  Owen went off to school this morning in jeans and a t-shirt and he looked so strange to me.  It's been some time since I've seen him in anything but  khaki (Indiana Jones) pants.  Ernie took him to Champaign Surplus and got him a new pack that nobody could accuse of being an old purse.  He also got a holster with a  gun.  I know, I know.....I was the one that didn't want toy guns.  'Only when you're Indy' I said faintly....



6. Oh....and here's Bob in a playful mood.....that's all for now.....more later.....

I told him to just trim a LITTLE!

 

Does that look like a LITTLE?  I can barely tie my hair back.  O.K.....now let's take a little vote.  Who is crazier/braver?  Me...for asking Ernie to trim my hair?  or Ernie.....for agreeing to do it?

ahhhh....for a quiet hotel room....

Last night as I dealt with a whiny child, phones ringing, trying to figure out what to make for dinner, trying to figure out what I'm going to make for dinner for Debbie and my mother on Thursday, thinking that I should finally write my thank you notes, remembering some emails that I need to send and various other distractions.....I just leaned my head back on the chair I was sitting in and wailed, "I WANT TO BE IN A HOTEL ROOM ALL BY MYSELF."

too bleary to really post....

too bleary to post this morning....Owen was up multiple times in the night crying with leg cramps.  Any ideas?  He wasn't dehydrated as he managed to pee in our bed thank you very much.  It had happened the other night but he'd biked and run from dawn to dusk....not yesterday though.  It's horrible to see him in pain and I might as well have skipped trying to sleep....ugh...

In other news my sweet Leo got an award for academic achievement yesterday.  He'd been pretty pleased about it in his own quiet way but yesterday getting ready for the ceremony he was absolutely foul--screaming about the shirt I got him, etc.  Finally my foggy brain clicked in and I said, "Leo honey, are you nervous about this?" and he kind of growled and said, "DUH."  Now normally I would not consider that an appropriate response but given how clueless I'd been I didn't complain.  He looked gorgeous and confident accepting his award however even though afterward he just said, "I did NOT like that."  He is however, proud of his award.  He has really been blessed with a great teacher this year----he has been a good fit for Leo anyway which I guess is what a lot of it is all about.

O.K....we didn't manage any good pictures...here he is walking up the steps to the stage of the Great Hall at KCPA.

and afterwards with Aunt Debbie and Grandma in the lobby:

I went to church with my sister Debbie and Owen yesterday.  It was much more painful being there without my father than I could have imagine.  I made it through the first part of the mass but I pretty much cried throughout the rest of it.  Owen tried to comfort me by hugging me, telling me I'm the best mom in the world and finally, when nothing else worked....suggested I think about E.T.

The other evening we put on the tv and watched the second half of E.T.  The boys had seen the first half once but lost interest.  The other night it was raining and we all snuggled together to watch it.  Owen got very anxious and worried as it progressed.  Finally when E.T. came back to life and his spaceship came to get him he sobbed with happiness.  Sobbed.  I hugged him and said, "honey are you sad about Grandpa" and he haltingly replied between hiccups, "no, I'm just SO happy that E.T. went home.  I'm just sooooo happy."  As he blew his nose I hugged him and asked him if he wanted to sleep in our bed that night.  I have a feeling I am the first of many to be manipulated by that boy.....

Random Notes from the Funeral

1.  So many people came that I never expected to come.  So many flowers and cards and gifts that I never expected. It really warms me.  I hope that I manage to be half as gracious and kind as everyone has been to me.

2.  Wearing heels for the first time in 7 months = VERY unhappy calf muscles and feet.  There's a reason I've given up on them.

3.  I think my mother and I were both a bit numb.  Debbie, Ernie and Leo really cried...particularly my sweet Leo...looking like a little baby rock star dressed up for a funeral....crying in my arms during the funeral.

4.  Owen demanded to sit next to my mother....'because he loves her so much and wanted to hold her hand when she got sad."

5.  Owen and Debbie brought the gifts to the altar.  Father Joe was so kind and told Owen how proud his grandfather would be.  My Owen.

6.  The funeral was wonderful----I felt somewhat suspended in time and place.  It seemed to be the fastest mass I have ever sat through----I guess I wanted to hang on to it.  Father Joe's words about my father were spot on.  It was a lovely service and I am really grateful to him and the other members of the church that made it so special.

7.  When we left for the cemetery the boys were ravenous.  RAVENOUS.  Of course I hadn't thought ahead well enough about timing and snacks.  Leo, who isn't a big eater, kept saying " I could eat a QUARTER of this vehicle."  So we stopped at a gas station and I let them have some chips.  Thus when we got to the cemetery there was the faint aroma of Doritos floating around the grave.

8.  Owen of course had to look inside the box at the cremated remains.  They were wrapped in plastic but he got to poke his hand into them a bit.

9.  I like the little cemetery.

10.  Afterwards we went to lunch at Silvercreek.  I'm kind of neutral about Silvercreek but it seemed like a good spot and it's right down the street from my mother's house.  When we got there they said they were shortstaffed and hoped we weren't in a hurry.  We weren't but it gave me pause....however we ended up with the most wonderful waitress I've ever had in my life.  Later she told us she'd just stopped in to pick up her check but decided to help out.  We were seated in the bar area and we felt like we had our own private little spot---it was perfect.  Mid-meal Owen started chatting with her--explaining that we'd just come from his Grandpa's funeral and that we'd turned him into ashes.  They had quite a conversation and she ended up coming and sitting down and chatting with my mother---asking how long they'd been married and how they met etc.  She really turned a lunch of exhausted people into something special.  We left her a good tip but there's no way to really tell her how special she was.  Isn't that amazing?  More unexpected kindness.....

11.  The man that takes care of my parents' yard came yesterday morning  and mowed it all as a gift.  Then he fortunately was there when my mother fell and  was able to get her back into her wheelchair.  When my mother and Debbie got home after the funeral there was a plant on the porch waiting for them from him and his wife.  Yet more unexpected kindness...

12. Getting the boys dressed yesterday morning was the only iffy part of the day.  Leo said he didn't want to wear socks and I said fine because it was such a HUGE concession for him to tuck in his shirt and I figure you have to pick your battles.  However I hadn't realized how much he'd grown and how short his pants would be.  I think it gave him rather a rakish air however.....

What did YOU do in high school?

You know, remember when I went to a meeting or two of a women's group? Well, I haven't gone back and I really should take my name of the email list but I don't because I keep thinking that maybe  I will go again sometime as I did like the women involved.  But I'm just not good at, mmmm, I don't know....directed activities I guess.  Don't forget I was a Brownie drop-out. 

Anyway, I had to laugh.....the theme of the next meeting is to bring an example or talk about things you liked to do in high school, such as Girl Scouts, a craft or 4-H.

Good thing I'm not going....I'd have to bring antique glass, some pot and a Van Halen record....

Sarcastic and Music Obsessed

One of my favorite local bloggers, Katherine from Chambana Fanna Fo Fanna has started a News-Gazette blog and recently wrote a post on Mother's Day and local blogs by mothers.  In it she linked to several of us and described me as 'sarcastic and music obsessed.'

Sarcastic and music obsessed.  I am delighted.  Katherine, I love you!

You know sometimes you're in the midst of the blur of the present and you begin to feel like you've lost some of what makes you you.....  I think if I had to describe myself right now I'd say 'aging and stressed out' or 'frazzled but caring' or even 'overweight and on antidepressants.'  Instead she saw 'sarcastic and music obsessed.'  It made me feel more like me.  I asked Ernie, "am I sarcastic?" and he just rolled his eyes.  Huh.  Music obsessed....I guess I am....it feels natural to me. ME.

Sarcastic and music obsessed.  You know....nowhere in that description does it say aging parents, kids, cancer, alzheimer's.

Thank you SO much Katherine.