The Sandwich Life

Memorial Day: Chicken Stock, the Knights of Columbus and Driving Through the Water

Last night Ernie and I were snuggled up in the media room together watching Next Food Network Star (I can't help myself) when Jair charged in to say that Owen told him to tell us the dryer was leaking. We kind of stared at him uncomprehendingly but it seemed urgent so we followed him to the kitchen to find Owen putting a towel down on the wet floor. Leo, of course, was sitting at the computer...no mere flood can come between him and the computer. The water seemed to be coming from the dishwasher...but we hadn't been using it. You know that feeling when you just can't make sense of something? We stared at the dishwasher, then the sink, opened the door below the sink, perplexed. Then Ernie saw that it was all over the counter too and he started picking things up and moving them when he got to......the now almost empty plastic container of gorgeous chicken broth that I had made earlier. Yes...we flooded our kitchen with chicken stock. DAMN.

Earlier in the day Ernie had pulled a cut up chicken out of the refrigerator. We always save the backs and throw them in the freezer for chicken stock. I felt like fussing in the kitchen so I told him to go ahead and throw the back from that chicken into my pretty yellow Le Creuset. I sauteed the fresh back til it was brown while I pulled all the other miscellaneous bits of chicken ouf of the freezer---the backs, the necks and the wing tips that had tucked away. I defrosted them and dumped them in with just a sprinkle of salt, pepper and cold water. Nothing else. I simmered it all for an hour or two and then strained it. It was gorgeous, utterly gorgeous. After it had cooled for awhile I poured it into a plastic container and left it on the counter to cool completely.

Yeah, well. Evidently I needed to replace that plastic container....  The kitchen smelled pretty good bathed in homemade chicken stock, although Leo of course thought it smelled disgusting.

Damn but that was some good looking chicken stock. Sigh.

On a brighter note, Ernie grilled the cut up chicken and my blackberry chipotle barbecue sauce was WONDERFUL on it! I made a slightly unsuccessful pesto of kale, arugula and spinach. Eh, well....win some, lose some....sometimes recipes DO help....

This morning we went out to the cemetery where my parents and Ernie's parents are buried. I had looked in all the listings for Memorial Day services and not seen this cemetery listed. I was a little disappointed but we cut some flowers and herbs (my Dad loved lemon balm) to bring with us to put at their gravestones. When we pulled up however we saw the Memorial service...complete with ragtag school band, Knights of Columbus, high schoolers reading Flanders Field and the Gettysburg Address, etc......I was SO happy. The boys were not as thrilled. I whispered at them sternly though and tried to explain that this is something we do for Grandpa and that it meant a lot to him and still does to many others. They were pretty good and even let me put my arm around them and kiss the tops of their heads a lot throughout it. Afterwards we walked to the other side of the cemetery. We put the lemon balm and lavendar in the vases of my parents' headstone and left some stalks of lavendar and perennial hollyhock at Ernie's folks' stone. We stood there a minute and headed back to the car.

As we drove through Rantoul I tried to explain to the boys why I think it's important to be there for these ceremonies. I tol them it's not that I necessarily support the wars but I support wholeheartedly those that serve our country. I told them about how Grandpa's sister ship in WWII was lost and that he was haunted by the loss of those men for the rest of his life. He paid a price for his time in the war, and because of that those who loved him probably paid a price too.  Of course I couldn't explain it all to them but I said that Grandpa had worried that no one would remember those men anymore and so we go and we stand through the talks and the prayers and the 21 gun salutes...we go for Grandpa and for all those men that Grandpa remembered. They listened and blinked at me with their big eyes. Then I got sniffily talking about my Dad and we all started laughing.

We drove through the fields and the wind blowing the corn made it look like green water. Stopped and took a couple of pictures on the way home to the guys' great distress.

Happy Memorial Day. 

 

 

February and Forgetting

Tuesday was the third anniversary of Judi's death.

I forgot.

Then a friend emailed me about it and my head just....I don't know....it just whirled.

Judi died February 7, 2009.  Her funeral service was on Valentine's Day.

My mother died February 17, 2010.  She was buried on February 25th, Judi's birthday.

Ernie found out his cancer had metastisized into his bones in February of 2009.

Not so crazy about February.

But on Tuesday....I forgot.

I don't even know what to say.

Random Notes from the Sandwich Life

1.  When Ernie plays Tom Verlaine singing Walking Home from Stalingrad.....it's a good night.  That, and a gorgeous fire in the fireplace, made for a lovely evening last night.

 

2.  Owen told me he was a little tired this morning because he stayed up so late last night talking to Leo.  He seemed kind of excited about it though and then he went on to tell me they talked about a lot of things: God, the universe, the Big Bang, etc. He seemed so happy.  I wanted to ask more but I kind of didn't want to intrude on their private conversation.  I just told him how pleased I was that he had a brother with whom he could talk about all sorts of things.  He nodded happily and kissed me before darting off.  Man, I love those boys.

3.  I felt rather smug that when I went in to kiss Owen goodnight last night he was humming Whole Wide World to himself.

4.  Can we talk duckfat?  I mean I know the legend of duckfat fries, etc. but good LORD yes.  I made a five hour roast duck just before we went out of town.  It was really good but for the price you pay for duck I didn't know if I was something I'd do too often.  But I used some of the duck fat to saute some potato wedges and they almost outshone the duck.  Then the night we got back from Birmingham I was scrounging in the refrigerator to figure out something for dinner.  There was just a little leftover duck and the saved duck fat.  I threw a bunch of potatoes in a pan along with the diced leftover duck and duck skin, some leftover orange bell pepper and a bit of garlic.  I cooked all of that in the duckfat and once it was done I cracked a couple of eggs on top and finished in the broiler.  That simple leftover hash dish was worth every penny of the WHOLE  duck.  Duckfat....yes....absolutely amazing!

These are the potato wedges I made to go with the duck the first night:

 

 

5.  Something has come up with my mother's estate and I needed to find the court paperwork.  I sent Ernie scurrying upstairs and downstairs looking for it while I sorted through stacks of papers that I shove into a drawer everytime we have to clean up for a house concert.  I couldn't find the original court paperwork but I found the paperwork issued after everything had gone through probate.  I sighed, thinking perhaps that would work and then it dawned on me that all that was from JUDI's estate not my mother's estate.  Geesh.  Too many estates I guess.  Midway through this Owen asked me what was going on and I told him it was just something about Grandma.  He asked if this was hard for me and I said, "no, not so much---it's been long enough."  But then, as I dug through tubs and bins it did begin to get to me.  I found a plastic bin that holds some of the things Judi brought with her from South Carolina.  There's a cookbook from our childhood, a framed collection of photographs of her as a child, a bag of completely dried out weed that she used during chemo and a couple of cards that people sent her at the very end.  There are also some of the calendars I had made every year with pictures of the boys.  I would make them for my folks and my sisters.  I sniffed the bag of pot, read the cards and looked at the calendars.  It always touched me incredibly that she had kept all those calendars and brought them with her.  I looked at Ernie and told him that I was wrong when I told Owen it wasn't that hard anymore.  I guess I should throw some of that stuff out but I still can't.

6.  Judi's house in South Carolina was set into a hill so that the main level was on the first floor in the front, and on the second in the back.  There was a huge magnolia tree on the side and it always felt like you were in a treehouse.  The landscape in Birmingham reminded me so much of South Carolina.  I hadn't quite expected that.  Sort of scrappy with southern pines and the kind of strung out development that comes with a lot of cheap land.  I love the magnolias...this one was at Arlington, the antebellum house we visited.

 

 

7.  Yesterday I told the guys that we were going to go to Allerton today.  This morning?  Feeling kind of lazy.  So then I decided we'd work on cleaning upstairs---which we dearly need----and yet?  Still feeling kind of lazy.  I had to work a bit yesterday---not for long but it still feels like it's been awhile since I had day with nothing in particular calling to me.  Maybe I'll make the boys go get some more firewood and we'll just all be lazy together....

 

Pearl Harbor Day and Christmas Trees

Last night Owen was being kind of whiny and I looked at him and sighed.  Then he said, “well, it’s just that, just that…..I’m really missing Grandma and Judi."  And then we both sighed.  I curled up with him on the couch and he said, “I just loved seeing Grandma, I want to see her right now…and I want to talk to Aunt Judi.”  We talked awhile and we both cried. I told him that we were sad because we had loved them so much and we were lucky for that even if it hurt.  He nodded and hugged me hard.  Man I love that boy.

I’ve been missing my father a lot lately.  He loved Christmas so….and when I open the tubs of Christmas ornaments and see boxes  of his special antique ornaments labeled in his hand…..it just makes me miss him terribly.  Terribly.

The end of his life, in the thick of Alzheimer’s, was so painful that I almost didn’t mourn him for a long time.  I do now though. 

Tomorrow, Pearl Harbor Day, would have been his birthday. 

I think one of the best birthdays we had with him was the time Ernie recreated his WWII  LST as a  birthday cake….complete with grey frosting and a flag.

Happy Birthday Daddy…..from all of us.

a picture of our tree....with my sister Judi's grade school ornament...

 

Friday. At long last.

Good God.  Do other parents find themselves yelling, "It's MY house...I get to TALK!"

sigh.

Friday though.

Veteran's Day

My father's WWII uniform, hanging in my closet.

Making dinner yesterday evening....should have used more parsley since the frost was so hard last night.

Downtown the other night....

a frosty morning...

Out with Ann and Bob tonight.  Thank God.

Looking Back

This blog has brought about many unexpected benefits....a few unexpected disasters as well...but primarily benefits.  One of them is the comfort I find in rereading old posts.  I don't know that comfort is the right word....but I find it very...mmmm...centering.  Looking back at where we were a year ago, two years ago.....it helps to put things into perspective.  Today is my mother's birthday.  She would have been 82.  Last night Owen asked me if I missed her a lot.  I told him I missed her every single day and he apologized for making me sad.  I told him it was o.k. to be sad because it just showed how much we loved her and we were very lucky to have had that love.  He nodded seriously and patted my arm.

As he often does, he made me think.  I thought back at how our lives have changed.  I reread some entries from September of each year here. As I read them I could see the path that has led to who I am right now...this age, this person, this philosphy, this life.  Me.

A year ago we were starting to get back into a more normal schedule....dealing with Ernie's cancer returning but without the weight of worry and caring for my parents and my sister.  Two years ago we were dealing with my mother's decline and the accumulation of vehicles and other things we had inherited. Three years ago we had just found out that Judi's cancer had returned and that she was not expected to go into remission again.  Four years ago I was beginning the trips to South Carolina as my sister was diagnosed with bile duct cancer.  Five years ago we were seeing my father really start to move into the cloud of Alzheimer's and were worried about caring for them.

Five pretty long years....although they have gone by quickly in other ways. 

Thanks blog....you've helped me through them....and Happy Birthday Mom.

 

 

 

 

 

Firefighter Hats and iPhones

Eh, I have a bit of a cold.  I woke up aching all over and couldn't believe it was morning already.  Yesterday we spent the afternoon at the Cancer Center for Ernie's infusion.  The nurse who finished him up was talking about how long it had been since she'd seen him---giving him his Zoladex shot back at the old Cancer Center in Dr. Sapiente's office.  It was one of those times when it struck me how loooooong it's been since he was first diagnosed.  April 8, 2004 if I recall correctly.  Owen was only two years old.....Leo four.  A long time ago.

On the way to the parking lot the phone rang and it was the Memorial Company asking for directions to my mother's grave.  Yes, we are FINALLY having the final date put on the headstone.  And yes I know it's been a year and a half since she died.  Some things, even though they are little things, just seem so final that they are hard to do.  Yesterday evening we got some paperwork from our lawyer.  I was tired and sniffy at this point.  Ernie read the letter the lawyer had sent to the IRS (the IRS seems to think we owe them $12,000 from my parents' estate and we're trying to explain that we don't) and there was a line explaining that their estates had not been probated because they were nominal.  And I burst into tears and said, "their estates WEREN'T nominal."  I know, I know....I love our lawyer and I know she was just referring to the fact that their estates...well, they WERE nominal financially (hence no probate) but somehow it just seemed like such a sad word.  Owen came darting in and Ernie explained why I was upset.  He came over and hugged me and told me he understood.  Then Leo came in the room and hugged me, then came back and hugged me again, and then again.  I was so touched.  I love those boys so much.

Leo has a field trip at school today and has been chatting happily about it.  A happy Leo is a wondrous thing.  Owen, well Owen is trying to convince me that since Ernie and I got iPhones he should be able to buy a Iron Man Hot Toys doll for $170.  I have tried to explain that it doesn't work that way.  He just sighs and wonders why we get everything we want.  So then I explain to him that there are MANY things I want that I don't get.  He wants to know what and I swear to God all I could think of was a Le Creuset Dutch oven.  He wasn't impressed.  I came up with other things but I don't think I ever convinced him.  That boy will be the death of me but lord I love him.  Back when he was two all he needed to make him happy was his firefighter coat and hat.  I remember him trotting after me at the Cancer Center nibbling on cheerios and wearing his firefighter outfit....so confident that he looked just like a firefighter....

Here he is on Halloween that year....and Leo as a doughnut...yet again.  How many years was he a doughnut?  Had to be four or five.....  My sweet peas.

Waves and Weeds and Fences

I have missed my mother so much this week.  Given my theory about grief coming in waves....well, I guess I've had a wave.  Ernie and I are terribly concerned about a friend we love very much and all I wanted to do was call my mother and tell her all about it and hear her say, "oh honey" to me.  Those are the things I miss----the way she'd delightedly say hello when I called her and the way she'd say, "oh honey" whenever I was sad.

The boys went to start savings accounts yesterday and they were very excited about it.  If my mom had been there I know Ernie would have driven the boys over so they could show her their little passbooks.  And I came home to our new fence yesterday.  I'm very excited.  The front bed is totally overgrown and weedy and I've just been uninspired.  With the fence beyond it looks like a totally different animal though!  Now I can't wait to get in there (or  make Ernie get in there) and start moving things around...  But most of all I want to tell my mother all about it and then have Ernie go pick her up and bring her back so she could sit in the front yard with us and have a glass of wine and admire it.

The other day I stared at the front walkway trying to figure out why we had the brick edging about six inches out from it----giving the weeds a lovely place to fill in.  Then it came to me that we'd done that so it was wide enough for the wheelchair.  See how quickly things you take for granted slip away?

Then again, I know it was time for her to go.  I read of my friend's struggles and worries with their aging parents and as much as I miss her and my father I'm glad the pain of watching them fail is over.  And I made sure the boys knew how proud Judi, my mother (and my Grandfather Nelson) would be of their savings accounts.  My father's side of the family----ehhh...we're not quite as frugal!

And Ernie comforts me when I'm worried and sad and even my sweet, sweet Leo was suprisingly kind and enthusiastic about my fence.  So all is good.  All is good.

 

Recalling Grief and Feeling Light plus more Bathroom Thoughts from Owen

Yup....it's Friday and I am AT HOME!  I took the morning off to enjoy a snippet of spring break.  Got to sleep late and sit for a ridiculously long time poking around the computer while I sipped my coffeemilk and tried to keep my cat Annie from getting into it.  The boys worked out some kind of deal with Ernie so he went and got them doughnuts and we're letting them play video games for a while so there was great rejoicing in the land.  Now Ernie's cleaning the kitchen and I'm still sitting here with the laptop and the last of my coffeemilk.  Ahhhhh.

Our plan is to continue the laziness today and work on our house tomorrow.  Ernie told me all I have to do today is decide what to have for dinner.  Lord I love him.  I'm thinking maybe we'll go buy some pansies somewhere (suggestions?), go for a walk and maybe sneak out for a drink at some point.

I feel pretty light today.  Yesterday I was looking at Slate.com at one point and came across an article on grief.  They had an anonymous survey you could take on what your experiences of grief have been like.  I hopped to it without a thought and sped through it.  It's funny....but it made me feel SO good.....to have someone ask me what my grief has been like.  And I was surprised by that because I certainly have written here about the loss of my father and my mother, and most painful of all, the loss of my sister.  And in fact in the survey I wrote about how the community of my blog---both friends I know and readers I didn't---gave  me incredible support through my grieving process....and still do.  This felt different though.  It just felt so good to be asked.  That pleasure has stayed with me.  And of course maybe it felt good because as I checked off ways I reacted immediately in my grief I realize that I have progressed.  I feel better.  It asked when you felt normal again.  That one I couldn't answer because in some ways I'll never feel normal again.  Not that I'm not fine but I'm a different person...so thinking of normal before....well that's not to be....but normal now...well I guess I'm there.  Sometimes you cross a line and you can never go back.  Just like I'll never be the same normal as I was before having my two bigheaded babies.

Crazy....to have the recollection of grief be so comforting...but it was.

So I feel light today.  And it feels good.

And on one last cheerful note....to continue Owen's 'life questions while using the bathroom series:'  As he was peeing this morning he cheerfully asked me, "why do you think God made our bodies?"  It was early so I gave my standard sleepy response of, "uh....I don't know honey."   He raised one hand in the air, gesturing as he continued to pee (the boy has a huge bladder) and said, "maybe he made our spirits first and then made frames for them."  I said, "Owen....you are a very interesting person" and he nodded happily and said thank you.

Here's the big thinker on a spring afternoon after a trip to the library:

He does it so well.

Owen and I had a lovely day.  We ate lunch for breakfast, which made us both giggly,and then went to see the movie Rango which made Owen VERY happy.  I pretended I was his Aunt Debbie and said yes, he could have popcorn, yes, he could have a blue freeze (?) and then I got a large lemonade we could share because I knew he wouldn't like the $3.75 freeze (which he didn't).  So minus a small fortune later we had a delightful time.  I made him let me take the long way home so I could take a picture or two and the rest of the afternoon was lovely as well.  Then I heard disappointing news about a friend's cancer and then heard from Ernie who sounded sad.  The show was so-so...better than last time but not as good we had hoped and Ernie sounded very upset after hearing about the death of a collector we used to see at the show.  I got off the phone and the only thing I wanted with all my heart was to call my mother.

It's funny.  After Ernie's mother died in 2004 I mourned her deeply as I had adored her.  But it was the first time that Ernie went and did an antique show and I was here at home alone (well, with two toddlers of course) that I found myself missing her horribly....just horribly.  It finally dawned on me that whenever Ernie was out of town she would always call me to check on things and to see if I needed anything.  It's not that I didn't talk to her other times but it wasn't until she wasn't there to check on me that I realized how much I depended on that.

This is the third show Ernie's done since my mother died but I guess it's the first one where things seem a little more normal....and I just found myself missing her so bad tonight that Owen had to comfort me and tell me "that's o.k. Mom" as I cried while he patted my back.  So much to ask of a small little guy---to comfort me....but he does it so well.