The Sandwich Life

Send Birthday Wishes....

Yes, send birthday wishes to Ernie because that's all the poor man is getting from his loving wife.  I didn't even have the boys make cards (although Leo did write a letter to his teacher since it's the last day of school.  It said, "Dear Mr. Hansen,  You are the best teacher I've ever had.  I'll miss you.  Love, Leo.  Uh...Owen did not make a card).  Somehow, even though I'm feeling a little more normal as the days go on I am still not quite on top of things.  We also have said that we won't do birthday presents/mother's day/father's day/etc. to save all available funds (well hell, unavailable as well) for our anniversary party with Kane Welch Kaplin this fall.  I'd make him a cake except I don't bake well and he doesn't really LIKE cake....  Am I making excuses?  uh-huh....

I did get him a flood for his birthday however.  Yup....here's the field next to our house where the guys play:



You should see our alley and my flooded car that is half way up the block....oh, and yeah, our basement that has things floating in it.  Ernie just walked the guys to school and some streets are blocked off because of water.  I heard it raining in the night but geesh....I thought it was just you know....RAINING....  Guess I'll be a little late for work today.  Ernie will have to drive me since my car is flooded (although this happened the other day and the 'check engine' light went off for the first time in several months.  See?  I can find silver linings).  We should be able to drive behind our garage across part of the field to someone else's driveway.

Ernie's birthday is not all a loss however.  We do have a babysitter coming over this evening AND he got an incredible gift from his brother last night.  I've bragged before about my brothers-in-law.  Dennis is known for wonderful gifts but this year he outdid himself.  It's perfect because it's something JUST for Ernie and that's really what he needs right now.



It's the perfect present----something he wanted but wouldn't get for himself.  He sold his amp many, many moons ago to Berni Proeschl and over the years has said he wanted to get another one but something was always in the way and God knows the man is really bad at doing anything for himself....  Anyway....a flood and an amp for my beloved birthday boy.....

Random Friday Notes from an Open-faced Sandwich

1.  Well, I'm open-faced because my sister Debbie is still here and it means I don't have to worry about my mother.  I'm trying to convince Debbie to move here....it's hopeless but I try anyway.  Yesterday my pitch was that Champaign is laid out on a grid unlike Boston...making it much  easier to get around.  I was making up this pitch in my mind as I drove to work and I tried to think of the name of Utah's largest city----a great example of a city laid out on a grid.  I tried and tried to think of it.....first I came up with St. Louis but thought no....that's in Missouri.  It must have taken me half a mile to come up with Salt Lake City....could this be early dementia?  Please tell me it's just stress....

2.  I'm now torturing myself as to whether I requested the right teacher for Owen next year.  Life has been so overwhelming of late that sometimes I just feel like I'm not doing right by my guys....and let's face it....they're more important than anything else.  Sometimes I just get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. That's my latest stomach pit.  Hmmmm.....I kind of like that term, 'stomach pit.'  Makes it sound kind of like an olive pit.  Maybe if I visualize it like that I can put it in perspective....

3.  I've been trying to figure out why I haven't liked any of my pictures of late.  I finally realized that Typepad's new fancy compose post feature changed my defaults and my pictures are just too damn small....  Is this better?  It's one of my single white peonies with some overgrown lovage next to it.



4.  I get out of work at noon on Fridays as I work long days Monday through Thursday.  Ernie and I have gotten into the habit of going out to lunch together before we go pick up the boys.  It's been such a nice treat but today will be the last time until fall.  Not that I won't like being home with my guys on Friday afternoons but it's so nice to be with just my husband.

5.  Made a pretty good dinner for my sister last night although I wouldn't repeat the menu even though I liked all the elements.  I made Chicken Saltimbocca with a baked penne with asparagus and a salad.  The penne was good but I think too rich for the chicken dish.  The chicken was great though.  I had beautiful tender sage leaves from my garden for it.....very simple dish.  A bit of a pan sauce with lemon juice over it.  Of course we ate too late.  I seem incapable of getting a meal on time.  Oh well....we all have our strengths I guess....



6.  The pink peonies are blooming.  When I was growing up we had a whole row of these alongside one side of our house.  I remembers waiting SO impatiently for them to bloom so I could bring flowers to the teacher.  I was always jealous of the kids that brought tulips and lilacs as we didn't have any and it always felt like it was touch and go as to whether the peonies would bloom before school was over.  They always did but I always worried....

7.  This morning as we attempted to shovel Owen off to school he bellowed "WHY DON'T YOU GUYS HEAR ME?" AND "NOBODY GETS ME."  If he does this at six what do the teenage years hold?

8.  Has anyone else with Typepad had weird statistics of late?  Mine seem to be changing....for days in the past.....hmmmmm.

9.  The fucking hormones make Ernie so tired sometimes.  I need to be more aware of that and try not to let himself (and me) push him to do too much.  I hate seeing him exhausted.

10.  Here are my guys...Kane Welch Kaplin...doing a great version of Something About You.   Suits my mood this morning.  Of course the date we scheduled them to play at our house turns out to be Dad's Day weekend in Champaign....no hotel rooms...  Geesh....nothing goes smoothly.  We'll figure it out though...

Come on summer....

As Owen chatted to me while I lay in bed this morning, busily buttoning up his Indiana Jones shirt, I yawned and told him I was sleepy this morning.  He nodded seriously and said, "I thought you might be.  You worked allllll day yesterday, then you went and got your toenails painted and then you came home and you talked and you worked on the computer."  He paused and confided, "I'm just guessing about that computer part."  I told him he was right and he gave me a pleased smile.  Then from downstairs came a bellow from Leo, "OWEN, would you hurry up---we're going to be LATE."  We both giggled and I kissed him goodbye.

He was in a good mood even though evidently he will not be allowed to be part of a classroom celebration because he didn't recopy his poems onto the correct paper for 'publishing.'  I also had to spend awhile recently convincing him that he really WILL be going to first grade.  With wide eyes he insisted that he wouldn't be.  I just have to take a deep breath and believe in karma......

grrrrrrr

So come on summer.....I'm ready for dirty boys trotting home when the streetlights go on.  I'm ready to sit in my front yard and watch for bats,  I'm ready for more relaxed mornings as I'm the only one racing around getting ready to leave.  I'm ready for my GARDEN.  I may not be ready for the heat but I'm ready for most everything else.

Had a great time last night getting a pedicure and hanging out with my sister.  Of course I conked out early but she was kind and indulgent.  I hate to think about her leaving....  Oh well, tonight we celebrate her anniversary for NINETEEN years of sobriety!  Of course I'm trying new recipes as I'm wont to do but hopefully it will work out.

In other news Owen thought teeball was AWESOME last night and Leo stayed with my mom while Ernie and Owen were at the park.  This actually works out nicely as it gives my mom some time with just Leo---and that's when he chats and chats to her....so it's good for both of them.

Things are growing too....here are my little baby nasturtiums, some swiss chard seedlings (why do I always  plant everything too close when I KNOW I'm lousy at thinning?) and a colander full of tender young thyme.....

Fucking Unbelievable

pardon me....but the words 'fucking unbelievable'  just keep pouring out of my mouth.  We are back from a meeting to settle the school issue I mentioned recently.  Fucking unbelievable.  However, I will say that the principal was great and I am very grateful for that.

Geesh.

It's hard sending our babies out into the real world, isn't it?

Well, I'm off to Indiana Jones now.  Owen wants to wear his Indy outfit to the movie.  Should be quite a sight. We're meeting my mom and sister there and then we're back to mom's house for pizza.  Then I will come home and SLEEP.....

Random Notes from the Random Life...

1.  I think I am not in a good mood today.  Perhaps it's because I was awake from 3:45 a.m. to 5:45 a.m. and then went back to sleep. I think I've got allergy stuff going on too and the result of both is that I feel like crap.

2.  I've sworn off writing about the boys and school here but I am biting my tongue so hard it's frigging bloody and that's not contributing to my mood either.

3.  Of course the boys, or Indy and Jock as they like to be called, are, shall we say, QUITE excited about the Indiana Jones movie.  I think we're going tomorrow afternoon.

4.  Leo wants to make a stop-action video of putting Lego together.  Anyone know how to do that?  Eh, I know that's what we have Google for but remember....I'm tired today.

5.  The asparagus that Ernie bought yesterday was so beautiful (and cheap) that we ate two bunches of it.  Just sauteed it a bit in olive oil, added a bit of leftover penne, some pancetta and a couple of eggs....sort an ersatz asparagus carbonara I guess.  It tasted like spring.


















6.  Someone told me yesterday that mourning takes a lot of energy and that it's o.k. to be tired.  That was nice to hear.

7.  I forgot all about Memorial Day....so the three day weekend is a nice surprise....

8.  Here's the song that's going through my head this morning. I love Peter Case.

too bleary to really post....

too bleary to post this morning....Owen was up multiple times in the night crying with leg cramps.  Any ideas?  He wasn't dehydrated as he managed to pee in our bed thank you very much.  It had happened the other night but he'd biked and run from dawn to dusk....not yesterday though.  It's horrible to see him in pain and I might as well have skipped trying to sleep....ugh...

In other news my sweet Leo got an award for academic achievement yesterday.  He'd been pretty pleased about it in his own quiet way but yesterday getting ready for the ceremony he was absolutely foul--screaming about the shirt I got him, etc.  Finally my foggy brain clicked in and I said, "Leo honey, are you nervous about this?" and he kind of growled and said, "DUH."  Now normally I would not consider that an appropriate response but given how clueless I'd been I didn't complain.  He looked gorgeous and confident accepting his award however even though afterward he just said, "I did NOT like that."  He is however, proud of his award.  He has really been blessed with a great teacher this year----he has been a good fit for Leo anyway which I guess is what a lot of it is all about.

O.K....we didn't manage any good pictures...here he is walking up the steps to the stage of the Great Hall at KCPA.

and afterwards with Aunt Debbie and Grandma in the lobby:

I went to church with my sister Debbie and Owen yesterday.  It was much more painful being there without my father than I could have imagine.  I made it through the first part of the mass but I pretty much cried throughout the rest of it.  Owen tried to comfort me by hugging me, telling me I'm the best mom in the world and finally, when nothing else worked....suggested I think about E.T.

The other evening we put on the tv and watched the second half of E.T.  The boys had seen the first half once but lost interest.  The other night it was raining and we all snuggled together to watch it.  Owen got very anxious and worried as it progressed.  Finally when E.T. came back to life and his spaceship came to get him he sobbed with happiness.  Sobbed.  I hugged him and said, "honey are you sad about Grandpa" and he haltingly replied between hiccups, "no, I'm just SO happy that E.T. went home.  I'm just sooooo happy."  As he blew his nose I hugged him and asked him if he wanted to sleep in our bed that night.  I have a feeling I am the first of many to be manipulated by that boy.....

This is what my son wore to school this morning

Owen.   Owen.  Owen.

Yesterday morning he bounced up to give me a goodbye kiss and cheerily said, "good thing I wasn't crabby today."  Yes Owen.  And when he came  home from school he plopped on the couch and said to his father, "I'm a happy guy today."  All good.

This morning.....not so smooth. 

It was yet another morning in which he lays on the floor in a blanket covered heap crying because he doesn't want to go to school.  It seems that no matter what approach we take we can't avoid this once or twice a week.  Ernie finally took Leo to school because the thought of being late makes Leo quiver with rage.  While they were gone I tried the firm, calm, non-negotiable approach.  Nothing was working until Owen sat up and said, "I want to wear a tie today."  Of course all the appropriate shirts were dirty but I found one and yes, this is how I sent my baby proudly off to school.  Too long hair with knots in the back I can't get out, black corduroy pants ("I HATE corduroy" he wept earlier), a blue and green plaid shirt and a blue and orange tie that we borrowed from Becca for Leo's Halloween costume and haven't returned yet.  I told him he looked great and he proudly smiled and said, "I know."  Then he said, "and can you get me a tux someday?"

Random Notes from the Sandwich Life

1.  Long time, no post little blog and I was so sick this week that I didn't even MISS you.  I am finally feeling better after a relatively dreadful week however. I ate a real dinner last night and woke up feeling somewhat normal this morning.  Woo-hoooooo!

2.  Ernie is off to a show in Iowa.  I don't have high hopes for it but I'm hoping he has a good time.  It's a fun show to do and hell....they serve margaritas during set up....

3.  I am planning a very quiet weekend...well, at least as quiet as a weekend with the guys can be.  Other than convincing them to have their semi-annual bath I'm hoping to ignore them as much as possible and just let them play with Lego and the neighborhood kids (supposed to be 60 degrees today!).  I am going to work on taxes...which I must admit I kind of enjoy in a sick kind of way....and do nothing else today.  Tomorrow of course I'll take Dad to church, etc., etc.

4.  Judi is doing pretty well.  As I said, her scans looked clean, she saw Dr. Kooby in Atlanta yesterday and everything looked fine and she even squeezed in time for a couple of blood transfusions which should help her weakness.  Her friend Annie will be with her this week which will be a nice treat for her and I'll be down there in a couple of weeks. This was a pretty tough week for her even though overall it was good....

5.  Leo received his present from Aunt Debbie and let's just say he was BESIDE himself with joy.  Remember the Lionel milk car he wanted so bad?  Well...

6.  The other night I was laying in bed feeling very sick.  Owen was at the foot of the bed cuddling with Bob the cat.  I must have made a little sound because Owen asked me what was wrong.  I told him I just felt very sick.  He thought about it and then said, "well, that happens to me sometimes and what I do is I go into my mind.  I think about different scenes that make me happy---they can be real or they can be made up.  You should try that Mommy." I did try it and it did help.  My sweet pea is a very special little guy.

7.  The other evening I talked to my mother and she was on me about sending some things to my sisters that my aunt had sent to me to send to them instead of just sending to them and frankly I've got a lot going on and it's just not the top of my list for god's sake, o.k?  I tried to say, "mom, please, I just don't need any more pressure right now" to no avail.  So I snapped and was WAY cross with her and of course ended up with her apologizing all over the place and me in tears.  I got off the phone and just cried because, hell, it seemed the thing to do.  Every so often something just shoots my stress level to the breaking point. I felt bad for upsetting her so I called her back and apologized and said, "I'm so sorry, I'm just not feeling well and I'm really on edge."  Her response? 

I kid you not.....

she said, "what are you on edge about honey?"

Honest.  That's what she said.

I didn't have the ability to say" well, the fact that you and dad should be in a nursing home, that I don't think you eat half the time when Dad can't function to get you a meal, that we're just waiting for other shoe to drop with you both, that my sister had stage four cancer, that my husband has stage 3 cancer that has returned, that my son hates kindergarten and....and....and...."  so I just said, "uh" and she said, "oh, you mean Ernie?  Well of course we're all concerned.  He HAS to be o.k." and I just said, "uh, yeah" and we apologized again to each other and got off the phone. 

I just looked at Ernie and said, "she wants to know why I'm on edge" in a dazed voice. 

We laughed about. God, I love my husband.

8.  I'm going to leave you with this song from one of my all time favorite bands however....Thin White Rope.

I'm thinking....

I'm thinking.  Thinking.

Hard day at work.  I missed Friday morning because I was ill, I left early today to meet with Owen's principal and I'm taking a day and a half off this week to see my sister......you know the sister with CANCER that lives across the country for God's sake? 

There is just not enough of me to make everybody happy I guess.  That makes me sad.

But anyway....

Good meeting with Owen's principal today. I bet you didn't think I was going to say that, did you?  It was however.  I feel like she really heard us and I feel much more hopeful.  She did make the point that posting everything here on my blog can set up....oh I can't remember the phrase she used, but just that it made it hard to feel like we were part of a team.  And that's a valid point.  I don't think I cared so much when I posted before because I was feeling a lack of any kind of team approach.  However I do feel more like that after this meeting so I am going to take a more selective approach to commenting on school issues with the boys.  I won't stop completely mind you---because this is about my life and God help me but those guys are my life's focus right now.....but if someone's willing to work with me I am more than willing to work with them..... 

I had already considered taking down the post and comments about Owen's work because I thought some of it could be upsetting if he were to read it. Contrary to what it probably appears, I do think about what I post and what I don't.  Certainly some of what I write might not be appropriate for the boys to read right now but you know what....if they did read it I would be o.k.....I might have to explain some of it but I would stand behind it, that it's honest, it's how I felt and sometimes I use Daddy's bad words....and they should be able to see how much I love them and their father.  Now don't go looking for examples otherwise....I'm sure they're out there but just the same it's something I've been thinking about.  Isn't it an odd thought that someday blogs will be what someone might remember you by?  I have some 1920's letters from my grandfather to my grandmother before they were married that certainly changed my perception of them.....but of course I didn't get those until they were long gone....

So....all in all a somewhat exhausting day.  Cub Scouts tonight.  Man I bet that means we can't watch any Gilmore Girls until LATE. Ernie and Leo would get mad if we jumped ahead without them. Maybe Owen and I can watch the behind the scenes special----we've been saving that....

Thank you Matt!

Sometimes friends come through with what you need.....