The Sandwich Life

too bleary to really post....

too bleary to post this morning....Owen was up multiple times in the night crying with leg cramps.  Any ideas?  He wasn't dehydrated as he managed to pee in our bed thank you very much.  It had happened the other night but he'd biked and run from dawn to dusk....not yesterday though.  It's horrible to see him in pain and I might as well have skipped trying to sleep....ugh...

In other news my sweet Leo got an award for academic achievement yesterday.  He'd been pretty pleased about it in his own quiet way but yesterday getting ready for the ceremony he was absolutely foul--screaming about the shirt I got him, etc.  Finally my foggy brain clicked in and I said, "Leo honey, are you nervous about this?" and he kind of growled and said, "DUH."  Now normally I would not consider that an appropriate response but given how clueless I'd been I didn't complain.  He looked gorgeous and confident accepting his award however even though afterward he just said, "I did NOT like that."  He is however, proud of his award.  He has really been blessed with a great teacher this year----he has been a good fit for Leo anyway which I guess is what a lot of it is all about.

O.K....we didn't manage any good pictures...here he is walking up the steps to the stage of the Great Hall at KCPA.

and afterwards with Aunt Debbie and Grandma in the lobby:

I went to church with my sister Debbie and Owen yesterday.  It was much more painful being there without my father than I could have imagine.  I made it through the first part of the mass but I pretty much cried throughout the rest of it.  Owen tried to comfort me by hugging me, telling me I'm the best mom in the world and finally, when nothing else worked....suggested I think about E.T.

The other evening we put on the tv and watched the second half of E.T.  The boys had seen the first half once but lost interest.  The other night it was raining and we all snuggled together to watch it.  Owen got very anxious and worried as it progressed.  Finally when E.T. came back to life and his spaceship came to get him he sobbed with happiness.  Sobbed.  I hugged him and said, "honey are you sad about Grandpa" and he haltingly replied between hiccups, "no, I'm just SO happy that E.T. went home.  I'm just sooooo happy."  As he blew his nose I hugged him and asked him if he wanted to sleep in our bed that night.  I have a feeling I am the first of many to be manipulated by that boy.....

This is what my son wore to school this morning

Owen.   Owen.  Owen.

Yesterday morning he bounced up to give me a goodbye kiss and cheerily said, "good thing I wasn't crabby today."  Yes Owen.  And when he came  home from school he plopped on the couch and said to his father, "I'm a happy guy today."  All good.

This morning.....not so smooth. 

It was yet another morning in which he lays on the floor in a blanket covered heap crying because he doesn't want to go to school.  It seems that no matter what approach we take we can't avoid this once or twice a week.  Ernie finally took Leo to school because the thought of being late makes Leo quiver with rage.  While they were gone I tried the firm, calm, non-negotiable approach.  Nothing was working until Owen sat up and said, "I want to wear a tie today."  Of course all the appropriate shirts were dirty but I found one and yes, this is how I sent my baby proudly off to school.  Too long hair with knots in the back I can't get out, black corduroy pants ("I HATE corduroy" he wept earlier), a blue and green plaid shirt and a blue and orange tie that we borrowed from Becca for Leo's Halloween costume and haven't returned yet.  I told him he looked great and he proudly smiled and said, "I know."  Then he said, "and can you get me a tux someday?"

Random Notes from the Sandwich Life

1.  Long time, no post little blog and I was so sick this week that I didn't even MISS you.  I am finally feeling better after a relatively dreadful week however. I ate a real dinner last night and woke up feeling somewhat normal this morning.  Woo-hoooooo!

2.  Ernie is off to a show in Iowa.  I don't have high hopes for it but I'm hoping he has a good time.  It's a fun show to do and hell....they serve margaritas during set up....

3.  I am planning a very quiet weekend...well, at least as quiet as a weekend with the guys can be.  Other than convincing them to have their semi-annual bath I'm hoping to ignore them as much as possible and just let them play with Lego and the neighborhood kids (supposed to be 60 degrees today!).  I am going to work on taxes...which I must admit I kind of enjoy in a sick kind of way....and do nothing else today.  Tomorrow of course I'll take Dad to church, etc., etc.

4.  Judi is doing pretty well.  As I said, her scans looked clean, she saw Dr. Kooby in Atlanta yesterday and everything looked fine and she even squeezed in time for a couple of blood transfusions which should help her weakness.  Her friend Annie will be with her this week which will be a nice treat for her and I'll be down there in a couple of weeks. This was a pretty tough week for her even though overall it was good....

5.  Leo received his present from Aunt Debbie and let's just say he was BESIDE himself with joy.  Remember the Lionel milk car he wanted so bad?  Well...

6.  The other night I was laying in bed feeling very sick.  Owen was at the foot of the bed cuddling with Bob the cat.  I must have made a little sound because Owen asked me what was wrong.  I told him I just felt very sick.  He thought about it and then said, "well, that happens to me sometimes and what I do is I go into my mind.  I think about different scenes that make me happy---they can be real or they can be made up.  You should try that Mommy." I did try it and it did help.  My sweet pea is a very special little guy.

7.  The other evening I talked to my mother and she was on me about sending some things to my sisters that my aunt had sent to me to send to them instead of just sending to them and frankly I've got a lot going on and it's just not the top of my list for god's sake, o.k?  I tried to say, "mom, please, I just don't need any more pressure right now" to no avail.  So I snapped and was WAY cross with her and of course ended up with her apologizing all over the place and me in tears.  I got off the phone and just cried because, hell, it seemed the thing to do.  Every so often something just shoots my stress level to the breaking point. I felt bad for upsetting her so I called her back and apologized and said, "I'm so sorry, I'm just not feeling well and I'm really on edge."  Her response? 

I kid you not.....

she said, "what are you on edge about honey?"

Honest.  That's what she said.

I didn't have the ability to say" well, the fact that you and dad should be in a nursing home, that I don't think you eat half the time when Dad can't function to get you a meal, that we're just waiting for other shoe to drop with you both, that my sister had stage four cancer, that my husband has stage 3 cancer that has returned, that my son hates kindergarten and....and....and...."  so I just said, "uh" and she said, "oh, you mean Ernie?  Well of course we're all concerned.  He HAS to be o.k." and I just said, "uh, yeah" and we apologized again to each other and got off the phone. 

I just looked at Ernie and said, "she wants to know why I'm on edge" in a dazed voice. 

We laughed about. God, I love my husband.

8.  I'm going to leave you with this song from one of my all time favorite bands however....Thin White Rope.

I'm thinking....

I'm thinking.  Thinking.

Hard day at work.  I missed Friday morning because I was ill, I left early today to meet with Owen's principal and I'm taking a day and a half off this week to see my sister......you know the sister with CANCER that lives across the country for God's sake? 

There is just not enough of me to make everybody happy I guess.  That makes me sad.

But anyway....

Good meeting with Owen's principal today. I bet you didn't think I was going to say that, did you?  It was however.  I feel like she really heard us and I feel much more hopeful.  She did make the point that posting everything here on my blog can set up....oh I can't remember the phrase she used, but just that it made it hard to feel like we were part of a team.  And that's a valid point.  I don't think I cared so much when I posted before because I was feeling a lack of any kind of team approach.  However I do feel more like that after this meeting so I am going to take a more selective approach to commenting on school issues with the boys.  I won't stop completely mind you---because this is about my life and God help me but those guys are my life's focus right now.....but if someone's willing to work with me I am more than willing to work with them..... 

I had already considered taking down the post and comments about Owen's work because I thought some of it could be upsetting if he were to read it. Contrary to what it probably appears, I do think about what I post and what I don't.  Certainly some of what I write might not be appropriate for the boys to read right now but you know what....if they did read it I would be o.k.....I might have to explain some of it but I would stand behind it, that it's honest, it's how I felt and sometimes I use Daddy's bad words....and they should be able to see how much I love them and their father.  Now don't go looking for examples otherwise....I'm sure they're out there but just the same it's something I've been thinking about.  Isn't it an odd thought that someday blogs will be what someone might remember you by?  I have some 1920's letters from my grandfather to my grandmother before they were married that certainly changed my perception of them.....but of course I didn't get those until they were long gone....

So....all in all a somewhat exhausting day.  Cub Scouts tonight.  Man I bet that means we can't watch any Gilmore Girls until LATE. Ernie and Leo would get mad if we jumped ahead without them. Maybe Owen and I can watch the behind the scenes special----we've been saving that....

Thank you Matt!

Sometimes friends come through with what you need.....

Very Random Notes from the Sandwich Life

1.  I asked Ernie to call the nursing home and make an appointment with somebody in admissions.  I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

2.  I feel exhausted emotionally right now.  It makes my head feel thick and muzzy.

3.  Can't quite decide how I feel about Clinton winning in New Hampshire.

4.  Owen cried again this morning and asked to go to a different classroom.  I reminded him that his friends wouldn't be in that class and he just grabbed my face and put his nose right up to me and said, "I can see them at recess."

5.  A couple of years ago my sister Debbie sent the boys 10 lb. Hershey bars at Christmas.  Leo has never stopped talking about them.  So this year I believe my sister special-ordered them.  Yes, as we say in our family, "Aunt Debbie is nuts."  Of course Leo was sick on Christmas so although he was thrilled to see the huge Hershey bar he didn't unpack it to view it in all its chocolate glory until recently.  This is what resulted:

Yup....a Chocolate Stand.  Shavings for 50 cents and chunks for $1.  That's my boy. Leo's definitely the one that will support me in my old age.  Owen will be there giving me hugs and keeping me company but Leo will be writing the checks. The worst thing about it is that he actually convinced Owen to buy chocolate from him even though he has his own Hershey bar!  Eventually Owen set up a competing chocolate stand and God help us but Ernie and I ended up spending a fair amount of money buying chocolate we didn't want.  My sweet peas.

Random Notes from a Sandwich Weekend

1.  Last night Ernie and I were so tired we thought we might die.  I don't even know why as Owen's birthday party was great and shouldn't have been THAT exhausting.  Although Owen did fall asleep shortly after 7:00 before we even got him into bed.  Ernie carried him upstairs to bed and he didn't wake until this morning for school.

2.  So Owen's birthday party-----it was indeed great.  It was a joint birthday party for Owen and his friend Emma whose birthday was the day after his.  It was great to join forces and most of the kids had a great time.  My eldest son was somewhat foul not letting poor Duncan play with him and his beloved Luke. (See picture of Owen unsuccessfully trying to comfort poor Duncan.) I was pretty pissed at him until my mother told me a story about when she was 8 and she and another friend wouldn't accept another little girl's offer of candy because the little girl was a couple of years younger than they were and that the little girl cried and cried.  My mother had blonde curls and was a straight A student and we've always thought she was somewhat angelic as a child so this made me feel better.  Actually what it means is that she will never find fault with  her adored Leo.....

3.  Sunday morning I took Dad to church.  Oh man.  He is slower than ever....I'm going to have to start going over there earlier.  He really should be using a walker but he insists on his shillelagh.  I didn't have time to take him doughnuts and coffee and I think he was a tad pissed even though he was polite about it.  And I don't think I buckled his belt tightly enough as I was trying to rush him out the door to get there on time so I think the poor man thought his pants were falling down the whole time.  Ah well...you try...all you can do is try.  It's hard to buckle a belt when someone is bent over....

4.  I made the most wonderful vegetable soup this weekend.  Well, chicken-vegetable soup I guess.  I was inspired by the post over at Growing Curious in which she talked about soup bubbling on the stove.  Whenever we cut up a whole chicken we throw the leftover bits in the freezer to save for stock.  Of course sometimes we throw those same pieces out a year later when they are freezer burned to death but the other day I took some out, threw some carrots, celery and onions in and let it cooks for much of the day.   Ended up with a rich brown (from the onion skins) chicken broth.  So on Saturday I pulled that out of the refrigerator and added some leftover roast potatoes, one leftover chicken breast and lots of cabbage, sugar snap peas, carrots and tomatoes in.  It bubbled away and turned into something amazing.  I tossed in a bit of oregano, salt and pepper and that was it....oh and a tiny drizzle of honey.  Ernie's been making an effort to buy more organic vegetables and meat and I'm seeing a real difference.

5. Ernie's firetruck cake was wonderful as always but in the chaos I forgot to get good pictures of it.  Here is one of Owen blowing candles out however...

6.  Owen cried this morning because he didn't want to go to school.  He just curls up on me and buries his head in my neck.  We talked about the good things at school (his friends) and how hard it is do things we don't want to do and about how Mommy REALLY doesn't want to go to work today either.  My poor sweet pea.  Wish me luck talking with his teacher today......

Random Notes and Pictures from The Sandwich Life

1.  Owen is six today and is surprised that he doesn't feel any different.

2.  My baby not only turned six today but lost his first tooth yesterday.  Baby no more I guess.

3.  Our Christmas tree has practically no needles left from not only the dryness but the cats and kids playing among the lower branches.  I guess it's time for it to go but Dad used to say we had to leave it up until Three Kings Day and that's not until the sixth....

4.  Owen is really good at being the birthday boy----gasps of absolute delight with every present...  By the way---great job with the presents Aunt Debbie.  And Aunt Judi---your present for Owen is on the way----I ordered it a bit late but Owen knows it's coming....

here he is fainting with delight:

5.  Ernie and I are going to meet with Owen's teacher after school on Monday.

6.  Today is a totally Owen-centric day.  He is in charge as it is his birthday.  God help us all.

7.  Leo has turned into a curmudgeonly teenager at the age of eight.  What does this  foretell about his actual teenage years?  He's grumpy, sighs a lot and rolls his eyes.

8.  Six years ago I'd been in labor for twenty-four hours, the epidural wasn't working and they were telling me not to push as that made  Owen's heart rate go down, just to lay there for a few more hours to see if he'd move down on his own. Oh man. Later in the day a c-section rescued us both and when they showed me Owen I couldn't believe it.  With his hair all wet he looked like he had tiny little blonde dreadlocks.  He already had a lot of personality----literally right from the womb....and he smelled like a  baked good.  My little baked good.

9.  Happy Birthday Owen!!!!

Can we say FULL?

Whew.....can we say FULL?  As in a very FULL weekend.  Par for the course this time of year I suppose but it was a bit too much for the guys.  Owen had two major meltdowns on Saturday that were not typical for him and Leo had one yesterday evening.  Just too much to fit into one weekend.  That being said, it was all good which is why it all had to be done.  A wonderful party at our house Friday evening.  Of course about midafternoon Friday I was wondering what the hell I was thinking but it all came together once I jettisoned a thing or two from the menu and we realized that there were just a couple of rooms that weren't getting cleaned.  Candlelight does wonders.  I also didn't manage to invite everyone I planned to but once I realized how kid-heavy the make up was getting I sort of hesitated to invite too many people without kids. I think overall people had a pretty good time----my favorite compliment was from someone I met recently that I really like---who said it was 'exhilarating'.....

And who can't love friends like Pat and Diane Daily and David Conroyd who are crazy enough to drive down from the Chicago area just for the evening.  AND who can't love friends like David who brought me the ENTIRE SET OF THE GILMORE GIRLS ON DVD.....including the behind the scenes special AND the original never-aired pilot.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhh......

Saturday was shopping for birthday presents because who is that organized then a birthday part for the guys and then a party in the evening.  All great except for Owen's wonderful meltdown in the parking lot in front of other kids and friends....oh and one that morning.  Poor tired guy.  Oh well. 

Sunday I had a snowday as far as church with my Dad was concerned so waking up in the night on Saturday night to hear the snow blowing was pure bliss.  By that point the family was getting tired so that morning Ernie, Owen and I watched a bunch of Gilmore Girls while Leo played with trains----checking on us every so often.  Then another birthday party for Leo and then we picked him up early and headed for Sophie's Christmas pageant.  It was wonderful.  You know, I don't ever remember anything like that at church growing up.  I went to Sunday School or CCD or whatever when I was little----have I just blanked it out? hmmmm.  As I have no childhood memories of that kind of thing I sort of felt like I was inside the Charlie Brown Christmas special...not a bad thing by any means.  Sophie made a beautiful angel and Owen was consumed with checking out the differences between their church and ours.  When I commented that their pews were nicer because they had cushions he was HIGHLY offended and said he liked ours better.  God help me I think I'm raising a little Catholic---how did that happen?  He loved the program although he squirmed and chatted and asked questions the whole time.....which is how he is at church regularly.  It made me think about his struggles to 'behave' in kindergarten as I'm sure that's how he is at school.  That's how Owen takes things in and learns. I've got some concerns about Owen and school.  I think Owen most likely does have problems focusing----that's no surprise....but to keep a 5 year old inside for recess because of that seems counterproductive.  And on Friday he came home and said there had been a celebration with cookies and juice but he hadn't gotten any because he hadn't finished his writing or something like that......not so happy with that. I want the kid to LIKE school....and not feel marginalized at 5 years old.....

oh my....I'm rambling, aren't I?  I haven't posted anything about my parents because it's been too horrible of late to even talk about.  Judi has a blood test today to see if she can continue chemo this week.  Cross your fingers as we just want to get her THROUGH this stuff and out the other side.  Speaking of that, I forgave Owen his tantrums when he came up to me Saturday and asked if he could call Aunt Judi to see how she was.  Gotta love that sweet pea.  Leo also called her on Sunday and chatted away on the phone to her (miracle, miracle).  The power of Aunt Judi.....

Enough rambling......

Random Good, Random Bad....

Last night I was writing a post in my head as I was driving home and I had a whole list of 'random bad' things.  This morning I can't remember them which means I must be feeling better.  So here goes:

Random Good:

1.  When I got home from work last night around 7:30 tired after a long day I found Ernie and the boys had already brought the Christmas trees in the house.  I was so happy.  Our trees are beautiful.  A good sized one in the living room and a small one tucked in the corner of the dining room.

2.  Got the school pictures and they're not too bad except that Owen in particular looks like a teenager to me. 

3.  It's Friday!

4.  Judi's chemo is going well.  O.K.....what I mean is that her body is responding to it.  This could also go in the Random Bad column as that also means that it is very, very hard on her physically.  However we're looking at this as a positive....her oncologist was actually delighted that Judi's face was covered in zits.....see---it's all in how you look at things. So as painful as this is for her, this is going in my Random Good column because it's doing what it needs to do.

5. Ernie did an amazing slow cooked roast pork last night----coated in sauteed onions, coriander, pepper, cocoa powder and cloves I believe it was.  Absolutely wonderful flavor.

6.  After Ernie got up this morning I was lonesome so I crawled into Owen's bed.  He just sighed contentedly, wrapped his arms around me and told me he loved me more than anything in the whole wide world and he loved snuggling with me.  Then he asked me why Daddy and Leo didn't like to snuggle.  I said I didn't know, that he and I were just the snugglers in the family.  Then he patted my arm and kissed the side of my face and we dozed off for a little while.

Random Bad:

1.  I went all green and got the LED Christmas lights for my arbor and I hate them.  They have this blueish, strobe-like quality.  Gotta figure out how to make it look better.

2.  I really want a potted orchid but I know I'd kill it.  When I wistfully commented something along those lines to Ernie he just agreed, "yeah, you would kill it."  Oh well.

3.  Owen has been leaving for school in the morning in tears because he says he can't spell the words.  It's breaking my heart.  We need to talk to his teacher. I don't want him to dread school.

4. Got tons to do at work but see #3 in 'Random Good' above.