The Sandwich Life

Random Notes from the Sandwich Life

1.  The boys had a friend sleep over last night.  Just now Ernie found a pizza crust in his shoe.  The delights in life are many....and unexpected....

2.  Owen just asked for lunch and when I offered a peanut butter and jelly sandwich he said, "NO, that goes against everything I believe in."  Huh.  I figure when he's hungry enough his beliefs will change.

3.  Man, Ernie and I were tired yesterday.  I don't do well on not much sleep (I LOVE sleep) and after staying out later than usual on Friday night we still had to get up at 6:30 in the morning.  Ugh.  It was worth every bit of tiredness however to spend some time with Eric and Peter.  I wish the babysitter and the looming birthday party hadn't pulled you away Amy and Tim but it was lovely to see you just the same!

4.  Downtown Champaign was packed after the Prine concert.  We thought we'd go to Quality because it's always empty but too many other people thought the same thing....the Esquire and the Blind Pig were spilling out so we headed to the Brass Rail and found blissful peace...at least until the juke box started.  It was delightful just the same.....only the best for Eric and Peter...only the best.....

5.  My thoughts have been with Eric and Mary Ann.....they lost her mother within the last day of his coming to Champaign and I could see Eric's exhaustion and grief when he let his guard slip every so often.  I remember being surprised that knowing that a death was imminent didn't prepare you better.  I remember my friend bob saying kindly that you can't practice what you've never done.  And of course it's so true...  And now they are without someone they loved....it can feel so surreal.  I still catch myself thinking that I should call my mother, or expecting it to be her when the phone rings.  It doesn't seem to go away.

 

6. Thinking about Mary Ann and Eric's loss made me think so much about  my mother and then of course my sister.  We've also been tossing around a lovely invitation from a friend to spend a weekend with them in Michigan.  I'm not sure if we can swing it and it makes me feel the loss of family that I could turn to and just say, "can the boys stay with you a day or two?"  Now honest to God....this is just one big myth in my mind....Judi was too far away for an off the cuff weekend and my parents were too old to ever watch the boys overnight....and now that the guys are pretty self sufficient they are gone.  It still haunts me a bit.  I guess we all have mythical family relationships we miss, huh?

7. We collapsed late afternoon and finally realized we just weren't going to make it to our beloved Sasha and Dick's party that evening.  My favorite kind of party----lots of appetizers and great friends and a wonderful house....but man we were knocked out.  We sat there saying to each other, "do you think it's o.k. if we don't go? I don't know, what do you think?"  Finally I said to Ernie, "Well I know how much you love Sasha so you must really not feel up to it if you don't want to go."  He nodded and his eyes welled up and he said, "I do love her.....I wish she were the guys' aunt."  Of course then my eyes welled up too.  I knew what he meant....it's not that Sasha reminds us of Judi that specifically, and no, we're not expecting her to act as the boys' aunt (don't worry Sasha) but she has certain spark that reminds us of Judi....and we SO miss the role Judi was going to play in the boys' lives.  She was planning to take them on trips...she was going to get them a dog....oh, she had all sorts of things planned.  It's not that the buys don't have a wonderful aunt (and a couple of great uncles). The boys have an absolutely wonderful---and very much adored Aunt in my sister Debbie....but she's a completely different person and plays a different role than Judi would have.  I just want the boys to have both of them.  So by that point we'd worked ourselves into a tearful state....eventually we laughed at ourselves, I emailed Sasha, we got a drink and watched a really bad Adam Sandler movie while Owen and Travis had sword fights in the next room.

8. I think I'd started us down the path when my glance caught the urn of Judi's ashes with the Obama sticker on it that says 'YES WE DID.'  Owen begged to put that sticker on it because as he earnestly explained to me, "it will show everyone that YES WE DID love her."  And as I thought about that I was stunned to realize that means that it will be four years next February.  Wow.  It's been four years since my father died this May.....just a bit over three for Judi and two for my mother.  Time.

9.  Last night I took a long shower and then Ernie and retreated upstairs with a pizza and some wine...and left the downstairs to the three guys.  This morning I finished a novel and then worked on my sister's taxes.  I got her federal ones done but the State...or is it the Commenwealth....of Massachusetts is frustrating my attempts to figure out how to pay taxes with a credit card.  I know there was some form or something we did last year but I can't figure it out....I decided to take a break.

10.  And there you have it....my weekend.  Now I just want a good thunderstorm.

11.  And in the last but not least category.....Owen's on a Batman kick.....I contributed an old skirt to help with the desire for a cape.....

Easter

I overcooked my ham a bit...some of it was a tad too dry but the GLAZE...oh my god....I thought the crunchy sticky glaze was worth every bit of dryness.  This recipe is actually for a cheap ham and I bet if it had been one with some water added it might have saved itself.  I've wanted to make this for awhile.  I've come across it several places online and in that 150 Best Recipes by Molly Stevens and Fran McCullough (I generally like anything by Molly Stevens).

In reviewing "Saveur Cooks Authentic American (Chronicle Books 1998 $40.00), Suzanne Hamlin wrote in the New York Times: "The recipe for Monte's Ham alone may be worth the price of admission. Monte Mathews, an Advertising Executive, writes: "When I first came to New York, a friend gave me two pieces of advice: first, if you wear an expensive watch, you can wear anything else you want; second, when you have a lot of people over, buy a ham." Mr. Mathews already had the watch, but he was flummoxed by the ham, until he went to a party and saw hordes of guests tucking into a giant, glistening specimen. Begging his hostess for the secret, she disclosed "Buy a ham, glaze the hell out of it and cook it for a long,time." Cooked to his instructions,(I) served (Monte's Ham) to a group of ten with professed discerning palates. (In truth, cut into half inch slices, the ham would serve 30 or more.) They went crazy for Monte's Ham, clamoring for seconds and thirds, grabbing nubbins from the platter and boldly demanding to take home the leftovers. The big, deeply bronzed beauty was truly delicious--succulent and moist of the inside, sweetly glazed and crisp on the outside."

Monte's Ham

15 lb bone-in smoked ham

1 1/2 cups orange marmalade

1 cup Dijon mustard

1 1/2 cups firmly packed brown sugar

1 rounded tablespoon whole cloves

Preheat the oven to 300 degrees, and set a rack on the lower middle level.

Cut off and discard the tough outer skin and excess fat from the ham. Put it in a large roasting pan and, with a long, sharp knife, score it, making crosshatch incisions about 1/2-inch deep and an inch apart all over the ham.

Roast for 2 hours. Remove the ham from the oven and increase the heat to 350 degrees.

For the glaze, stir together the marmalade, mustard and brown sugar in a medium bowl. Stud the ham with the cloves, inserting one at the intersection of each crosshatch. Brush the entire surface of the ham generously with the glaze, and return to the oven.

Cook the ham for another 1 1/2 hours, brushing with the glaze at least 3 times. Transfer to a cutting board or platter and allow to rest for 30 minutes.

My potato gratin was pretty damn great too.  I simmered sliced Yukon Gold potatoes in some cream (yeah, I know) and good chicken stock we'd just made.  When they were about done and the liquid thickened I poured them into a gratin pan.  I had some shredded cheddar/something white in the refrigerator so I tossed that on top.  It wasn't a lot...just enough.  Oh yeah, I also had some mashed garlic, sage and salt in with the stock and cream.  Threw it in a 425 degree oven until the cheese was browned.  That and simply roasted asparagus.  And boxed macaroni and cheese for Leo because I love him and respect his stubborn little taste buds.

Here's a picture from a long ago Easter....a very little Cynthia with her beautiful big sisters.

Happy Easter all!

Random Notes from the Sandwich Life

1.  Tonight is the big night.  If anybody wants to cheer Owen on at the talent show it's at 6:00 pm at Dr. Howard.  I hope it all goes well.....

2.  Ernie picked up our vegetables from Greg yesterday.  I opened the bag and it smelled heavenly....a big bunch of rosemary scenting all the greens....

 3.  My beloved David Olney and Sergio Webb....complete with Kubla Khan and a Townes Van Zandt song.  I mean REALLY....how great is that?

 

 4.  Sometimes when I leave work I'm startled at how bright it is outside....it seems as though it was just yesterday that I was leaving in the dark.  Last night the low sun was particularly beautiful on the plants....

5.  Leo and Ernie still feel rotton today but Owen and I are holding on.

6.  Last night I made an ersatz macaroni and cheese....cavatappi....light on cheese as we didn't have much, with a little Italian sausage, a bit of garlic and bunch of sauteed kale...sprinkled with sesame seeds and baked as I didn't have breadcrumbs and didn't feel like making any.  Quite delightful if I do say so myself.....

7.  Before Judi died she was making her dear friend Gina a quilt.  She had pieced the squares but not gotten further than that so she asked her friend Nancy to finish it for her.  I heard from Nancy recently that she had just finished it and yesterday I got a picture and a delighted message from Gina about the finished piece.  It's more fitting than I can explain....because these two women were two of the people that truly loved Judi and took care of her those last few months...as they had long before that.  To have that quilt completing the circle like that....well....it's just very, very right.  As Gina said, "it arrived today and I have just cried and laughed and smiled and, most importantly, remembered!!!  A perfectly beautiful reflection of Judi......"

 

8.  Don't forget people....a week from tomorrow Eric Brace and Peter Cooper at OUR HOUSE!  Don't forget---all our welcome---just email me if you need more info.  And please pay ahead of time ($20 ahead, $25 day of show)....the PayPal link is to the right, at the top of the column....  Bring anything and everything to the potluck....I'm making some red cooked pork and rice and some sesame noodles with vegetables (vegan). 

 

 

 

February and Forgetting

Tuesday was the third anniversary of Judi's death.

I forgot.

Then a friend emailed me about it and my head just....I don't know....it just whirled.

Judi died February 7, 2009.  Her funeral service was on Valentine's Day.

My mother died February 17, 2010.  She was buried on February 25th, Judi's birthday.

Ernie found out his cancer had metastisized into his bones in February of 2009.

Not so crazy about February.

But on Tuesday....I forgot.

I don't even know what to say.

Random Notes from the Sandwich Life

1.  When Ernie plays Tom Verlaine singing Walking Home from Stalingrad.....it's a good night.  That, and a gorgeous fire in the fireplace, made for a lovely evening last night.

 

2.  Owen told me he was a little tired this morning because he stayed up so late last night talking to Leo.  He seemed kind of excited about it though and then he went on to tell me they talked about a lot of things: God, the universe, the Big Bang, etc. He seemed so happy.  I wanted to ask more but I kind of didn't want to intrude on their private conversation.  I just told him how pleased I was that he had a brother with whom he could talk about all sorts of things.  He nodded happily and kissed me before darting off.  Man, I love those boys.

3.  I felt rather smug that when I went in to kiss Owen goodnight last night he was humming Whole Wide World to himself.

4.  Can we talk duckfat?  I mean I know the legend of duckfat fries, etc. but good LORD yes.  I made a five hour roast duck just before we went out of town.  It was really good but for the price you pay for duck I didn't know if I was something I'd do too often.  But I used some of the duck fat to saute some potato wedges and they almost outshone the duck.  Then the night we got back from Birmingham I was scrounging in the refrigerator to figure out something for dinner.  There was just a little leftover duck and the saved duck fat.  I threw a bunch of potatoes in a pan along with the diced leftover duck and duck skin, some leftover orange bell pepper and a bit of garlic.  I cooked all of that in the duckfat and once it was done I cracked a couple of eggs on top and finished in the broiler.  That simple leftover hash dish was worth every penny of the WHOLE  duck.  Duckfat....yes....absolutely amazing!

These are the potato wedges I made to go with the duck the first night:

 

 

5.  Something has come up with my mother's estate and I needed to find the court paperwork.  I sent Ernie scurrying upstairs and downstairs looking for it while I sorted through stacks of papers that I shove into a drawer everytime we have to clean up for a house concert.  I couldn't find the original court paperwork but I found the paperwork issued after everything had gone through probate.  I sighed, thinking perhaps that would work and then it dawned on me that all that was from JUDI's estate not my mother's estate.  Geesh.  Too many estates I guess.  Midway through this Owen asked me what was going on and I told him it was just something about Grandma.  He asked if this was hard for me and I said, "no, not so much---it's been long enough."  But then, as I dug through tubs and bins it did begin to get to me.  I found a plastic bin that holds some of the things Judi brought with her from South Carolina.  There's a cookbook from our childhood, a framed collection of photographs of her as a child, a bag of completely dried out weed that she used during chemo and a couple of cards that people sent her at the very end.  There are also some of the calendars I had made every year with pictures of the boys.  I would make them for my folks and my sisters.  I sniffed the bag of pot, read the cards and looked at the calendars.  It always touched me incredibly that she had kept all those calendars and brought them with her.  I looked at Ernie and told him that I was wrong when I told Owen it wasn't that hard anymore.  I guess I should throw some of that stuff out but I still can't.

6.  Judi's house in South Carolina was set into a hill so that the main level was on the first floor in the front, and on the second in the back.  There was a huge magnolia tree on the side and it always felt like you were in a treehouse.  The landscape in Birmingham reminded me so much of South Carolina.  I hadn't quite expected that.  Sort of scrappy with southern pines and the kind of strung out development that comes with a lot of cheap land.  I love the magnolias...this one was at Arlington, the antebellum house we visited.

 

 

7.  Yesterday I told the guys that we were going to go to Allerton today.  This morning?  Feeling kind of lazy.  So then I decided we'd work on cleaning upstairs---which we dearly need----and yet?  Still feeling kind of lazy.  I had to work a bit yesterday---not for long but it still feels like it's been awhile since I had day with nothing in particular calling to me.  Maybe I'll make the boys go get some more firewood and we'll just all be lazy together....

 

Pearl Harbor Day and Christmas Trees

Last night Owen was being kind of whiny and I looked at him and sighed.  Then he said, “well, it’s just that, just that…..I’m really missing Grandma and Judi."  And then we both sighed.  I curled up with him on the couch and he said, “I just loved seeing Grandma, I want to see her right now…and I want to talk to Aunt Judi.”  We talked awhile and we both cried. I told him that we were sad because we had loved them so much and we were lucky for that even if it hurt.  He nodded and hugged me hard.  Man I love that boy.

I’ve been missing my father a lot lately.  He loved Christmas so….and when I open the tubs of Christmas ornaments and see boxes  of his special antique ornaments labeled in his hand…..it just makes me miss him terribly.  Terribly.

The end of his life, in the thick of Alzheimer’s, was so painful that I almost didn’t mourn him for a long time.  I do now though. 

Tomorrow, Pearl Harbor Day, would have been his birthday. 

I think one of the best birthdays we had with him was the time Ernie recreated his WWII  LST as a  birthday cake….complete with grey frosting and a flag.

Happy Birthday Daddy…..from all of us.

a picture of our tree....with my sister Judi's grade school ornament...

 

Random Notes from the Sandwich Life

1.  Yesterday we brought our iMac in to the Apple store on campus.  Lord but those Apple boys are cute.  They also informed me that our iMac is, ahem, vintage.  Sigh.  They did get it up and running again but the thing is tiiiiiiirrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeddddddddd.  I thought about having Santa pick one up for us but instead of doing it on the Black Friday sale I hesitated.....  Now, not so sure what to do.  Oh, and they can't fix my dented, cracked laptop.  Well, they could but it would cost way too much.  Oh well....we will persevere....

2.  Ernie just ran to the bank to deposit a couple of checks we keep forgetting to put in.  I wondered why he was in a rush but I'm not brave enough to check our bank account balance.  A couple of them were royalty checks from a book my sister Judi had written.  I finally made myself contact the publishing company and explain that she is deceased and that any future royalty checks should be made out to Leo and Owen, the heirs of her estate.  Even though it's been over two years (how can that be?  In fact I just realized that I told the publishing company that she died in 2010...whoops) those things can cut me.  I've been missing her a lot lately.  One of those waves of grief I suppose.  When we were at the Turkey Trot the other morning Leo was grumbling and Owen was being Owen.  First he dramatically had a cramp in his side (sigh) but then he was musing....saying, "if Grandma were here she'd be laughing so hard."  He made me smile and I agreed, saying, "yes, she would be and if Judi were here she'd be in front turning around and telling us to hurry up."

3.  I was poking around on youtube yesterday and playing some old videos from our house concerts.  It was fun to do----hence the previous post that pulled them all together.  Thanks Van for posting the most recent ones on youtube for me!

4.  I'm not being terribly productive this weekend.  I'm really enjoying holing up.  I should pick a project to do but I'm not sure.  I DO want our bedroom painted but am just feeling too lazy.....

5.  Plans for today? Hmmm.  How cold is it outside?  I was thinking perhaps a walk at Meadowbrook Park...then lunch at Fries and Peanuts...then snuggle in with movies and leftovers? 

6.  Billy Joe Shaver tomorrow night at the Rosebowl.  Life is good.

7.  Our beloved Bob.

Cancer Ramblings

This NPR article resonated greatly with me.  I hate seeing breast cancer being used to market things.  I'm tired of pink.  As I see it, the one good thing about it is that my sister Judi loved pink and was thus able to buy a pink Kitchen Aid stand mixer.  But other than that.....enough pink.  Awareness is great and it is wonderful but cancer still kills people in a nasty, nasty way and aware or not....people keep dying.  And I just want people to stop dying.  Judi didn't die from breast cancer, she died from bile duct cancer but either way it was horrible and cruel.  To try to save you they fill your body with poison.  Someday will we look at chemo the way we look at 19th century doctors bleeding people with leeches?  I don't know.  Honestly, I DO support drives for awareness...and I support friends that do walks and other things to raise money.  But sometimes it's kind of like when school kids sell overpriced candy and wrapping paper.  All I can think is, can't I just give the school a couple of dollars and we can skip this?  And I get tired of the emphasis on breast cancer rather than just cancer overall.  Yes, far too many women die of breast cancer, but far too many people die of prostate cancer and lung cancer and pancreatic cancer and.....  It's as though all the cancers got together and held American Idol auditions and breast cancer won the marketing prize so now we can buy things like pink oreos.  I don't want a pink oreo.

Awareness this and awareness that.....yet now they say men shouldn't get psa tests for prostate cancer as often.  And that pains me because that's what led us to Ernie's cancer diagnosis.  So when they say it leads to unnecessary treatment are they saying he doesn't matter?  Of course...honestly, the surgery didn't catch it all so perhaps they are right.  But to let his cancer, an aggressive form of prostate cancer, go further....eh, I don't know. 

I remember talking with Judi when she was dying.  Typically efficient, she wrote her own obituary.  When she gave it to me she said, "oh, and don't say that I fought bravely or any of that stuff" and we laughed.  Because it's not how hard you fight....it's just a nasty fucking disease and some people are luckier than others. 

Fucking cancer.

Looking Back

This blog has brought about many unexpected benefits....a few unexpected disasters as well...but primarily benefits.  One of them is the comfort I find in rereading old posts.  I don't know that comfort is the right word....but I find it very...mmmm...centering.  Looking back at where we were a year ago, two years ago.....it helps to put things into perspective.  Today is my mother's birthday.  She would have been 82.  Last night Owen asked me if I missed her a lot.  I told him I missed her every single day and he apologized for making me sad.  I told him it was o.k. to be sad because it just showed how much we loved her and we were very lucky to have had that love.  He nodded seriously and patted my arm.

As he often does, he made me think.  I thought back at how our lives have changed.  I reread some entries from September of each year here. As I read them I could see the path that has led to who I am right now...this age, this person, this philosphy, this life.  Me.

A year ago we were starting to get back into a more normal schedule....dealing with Ernie's cancer returning but without the weight of worry and caring for my parents and my sister.  Two years ago we were dealing with my mother's decline and the accumulation of vehicles and other things we had inherited. Three years ago we had just found out that Judi's cancer had returned and that she was not expected to go into remission again.  Four years ago I was beginning the trips to South Carolina as my sister was diagnosed with bile duct cancer.  Five years ago we were seeing my father really start to move into the cloud of Alzheimer's and were worried about caring for them.

Five pretty long years....although they have gone by quickly in other ways. 

Thanks blog....you've helped me through them....and Happy Birthday Mom.

 

 

 

 

 

John Hiatt and Judi

It took me quite awhile after my sister Judi died to be able to listen to John Hiatt again.  She loved John Hiatt.  Right after she found out the cancer was back and that, well, this was it....she saw that he was playing in Greenville, SC, not far from Clemson.  She got excited and bought tickets.  Of course, frugal Judi, even though she had just been told she was dying, still had to call me and say, "do you think I should get the more expensive tickets?"  "YES JUDI," I told her and we laughed about it. She was too ill by the time the concert came around though so she gave them to a friend.  And for whatever reason that really hit me hard.  Really hard, so for the next year or two everytime poor Ernie would try to play a John Hiatt song I would dissolve into tears.

I'm a little more under control these days.  I still miss her painfully and when I look at the last pictures of the boys with her and see how young they looked it hurts pretty damn bad.

BUT I guess I'm doing better because, thanks to my beloved Music Fog, I listened to a new John Hiatt song and it sounded wonderful and I didn't cry.  So life goes on. And music always helps, doesn't it?