The Sandwich Life

Who Wouldn't Want a Question-mark Shaped Scar?

Just wrote a long post and lost it.  Damn computer.  Oh well...suffice to say that Ernie will be celebrating Eileen's birthday on May 9 by having surgery.  The surgeon thinks the hernia may be a result of his prostatectomy incision and there is the chance he'll end up with a question-mark shaped scar.  I kind of liked that part. He won't be able to lift anything heavy for awhile after the surgery of course----which will include my mother's wheelchair.  Should be interesting.

I visited my father after work and it was pretty tough.  He was in bed and I couldn't get him to respond at all.  He opened his eyes a couple of times but didn't seem to see me.

I got home and cried and cried. Then I made Ernie play some of my favorite Ian Hunter songs.  He protested, saying that they would make me cry.  I assured him they wouldn't and then cried all the way through them. Oh well, at least the boys were outside playing.

Got two cards yesterday---from my friend Gisela and from our dear friends Jim and Diana.  Thanks guys....those kind thoughts really do help.

Onward.

Random Notes from the Tired Life

1.  O.K.....I'm not liking ANY of the templates I'm trying out for this blog.  I like the way the images pop against a dark background but maybe the black is too harsh....  I may try a new one every day or so.  Please make your feelings heard....oh yeah....that means leave a frigging comment.

2.  Owen LOVED the Sarah Lee Guthrie/Johnny Irion concert.  He said it was awwwwwesome.  Man, I'd be happy if he was in MY audience.....here he is singing along:

3.  I think my sister Judi is going to try to come visit in June which will make my mother so happy.  Oh, well....me too of course....

4. We're hoping to go to Maine this summer....have rented a house for a week...but then I wonder if I'm going to have enough vacation time with all I've taken off.....and of course it means leaving my mother alone....hard to know what to do...

5. I need more siblings right now. I've never wanted more siblings before but maybe it would be easier if there were more of us. I don't know. I guess nothing would make this easier.

6. Changed my antidepressant and I think I like it better but now I can't sleep....hence my sitting here blogging while the rest of the family is asleep.  Of course before I was complaining that it made me too sleepy and hell, we can't have everything, now can we?

7. Might be a frost tonight....I covered my bleeding hearts and my sugar snap peas and pole beans.  Well, actually I got anxious about the whole thing, Ernie is the one that dug out sheets and blankets and actually did the work....

8.  Maybe I'll try to go to bed now.

9.  Thanks for being here little blog.

10.  Here's a picture of some of my sweet woodruff:

The Evening

We went over to have pizza with my mother tonight.  I sat with her in the living room while she cried.  She and Ernie visited my father today and there he sat slumped in a wheelchair with all the other residents.  She started talking about getting their homecare person in five days a week and bringing him back home.  I think she knows she can't but she just cries. 

I gotta say that at the end of the day sitting while your wheelchair bound mother cries to you "I love him so much, I want him home.  I can't believe I put him in that horrible place. I should have taken better care of him" is not the easiest thing to do. I don't blame her a bit.....I understand her pain. This is far more painful than I expected. I knew it would be hard but I have to admit that I didn't think it would be this hard.

Anyway, after dinner Ernie and Owen went to the Urbana Library to see Sarah Lee Guthrie and Johnny Irion.  Yesterday I told Owen we might go to a concert and he let out a big sigh and said, "FINALLY!"  Leo and I came home though.  He did his homework and is now working on a house in the Lego Digital Designer.

Me, I'm just sitting here looking at my filthy house wondering where on earth I would find the energy to do something productive and wondering when I'll get rid of this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Maybe I'll write something cheerful tomorrow.

Todd Snider Amuses Me Yet Again

Todd Snider tells the story of how he became a lead singer.....this is for my friend Bob....but you really must watch it too....

Random Weekend Notes

I took my mother to the nursing home yesterday morning.  My dad smiled at us and when I told him I loved him he said he loved me too.  Then he asked if they were all out of uniforms so I think perhaps he thought I was a nurse. Oh well.  I pushed my mom's wheelchair as close to his bed as I could and she picked up his hand and said "I love you Joe" and he smiled slightly and said "a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck?" She laughed and said yes.  It made her so happy.

He sleeps a lot but he did that at home as well. He just kept asking for his pants and his shoes but he didn't seem to mind too much when we left.  It was a hard visit but perhaps it will get easier.

In other news.....I've been so caught up with this stuff that I failed to let you know that Owen, yes--my sweet pea Owen----the little guy that smelled like a baked good when he was a baby and that I love so much.....well that person, that very same person.....brought a snake in the house.  Now granted it was in a plastic tub with a lid but just the same he brought a frigging SNAKE in my house.  I was on the phone with my mother of course so I just 'calmly' said, IS THAT A SNAKE GET THAT THING OUT OF THE HOUSE YOU NEVER EVER BRING A SNAKE IN HERE DO YOU  HEAR ME GET THAT OUT OF HER ERNEST YOUR SON BROUGHT A SNAKE IN HERE GET HIM OUT OF HERE AND TALK TO HIM NOBODY EVER BRINGS A SNAKE IN THIS HOUSE GET THAT THING OUT OF HERE.  and so forth.

Owen seemed to feel rather guilty (as he should) and kept telling me it wasn't his idea and I said BUT YOU WERE THE ONE CARRYING IT IN HERE and then he just looked sad and said I was making him feel bad. DAMN RIGHT you better feel bad....but I still love my sweet pea.

Ernie's doing nursing home duty today.  I went to Target early and bought some pajamas and slippers for my father as my mother really wants him out of the hospital gown.  Ernie stopped at the store to pick up a laundry marker before he headed over there but next thing I knew he was back home.  He'd run into my boss at the store and she sent a bouquet of flowers home to me.  How kind.

I'm trying to relax before starting the workweek tomorrow. In the meantime...here's a bit of spring in my yard:

Ferns

There's something about the way ferns unfurl that I always find touching.

Random Pictures from Nashville/South Carolina

Notes More Random Than Ever....

1.  My father was moved into a nursing home last night.  Yesterday was a long day....half day of work, then nursing home, hospital, etc. with my mother.  My father talks a little but mostly just sleeps.

2.  Leo has a new business plan with some friends.  They will have a cupcake/chocolate chip cookie/lemonade business in the park near us.  It will open June 7, 2008.  Owen was hired but left in a 'you can't fire me because I quit' kind of altercation.

3.  Owen says he sees colors when he hears music.  He also wrote a song called Cut Out the Mad. 

4.  Went out to Artists Against Aids last night with Bob and Ann.  I rambled a lot talking about my father.  They are incredibly kind and loving friends.

5. You know how all I do is complain about taking my father to church?  The thought of not taking him tomorrow breaks my heart.

6.  My mother isn't doing well.

7.  What would I do without my sweet peas?

8.  Speaking of peas...some of my pole beans and sugar snap peas are up!

9.  The drive to South Carolina last week was really beautiful.  As I hit southern Illinois and Kentucky it was all blooming redbuds contrasting with the bright, bright green of new leaves.  Than as I went through Tennessee it became the black-green of pines against the bright new green leaves.  Then I hit South Carolina and it was an explosion of color---dogwoods everywhere, azaleas glowing and the red dirt below it all.  Amazing.

Sadness

Even though none of these developments with my father are a surprise I am still incredibly sad.  Very, very melancholy. 

I just had a long, long conversation with his doctor whom I like so very much.  Basically we're looking at getting him into a nursing home and perhaps hospice care.

My mother's heart hurts.  Last night she told me that every night...for 56 years...he would say to her "I love you a bush and a peck and a hug around the neck."  As Ernie drove her home from the hospital today she said, "I guess Joe will never come home again."

Last night I let Owen sleep with me...probably more for my comfort than his.  And as he snuggled in with me I hugged him and said, "I love you a bush and a peck and a hug around the neck."

Hitting the wall...

I hit a wall today.  I just smashed into it and couldn't go any further.

The trip to South Carolina was great.  It's a long drive and it would have helped not to have a cold but it was great to see Judi.  She looks fantastic and is feeling stronger.  This is her last round of chemo---then we really get to celebrate!  I put together (with the help of the inimitable Gina of course) a little spread of cakes and sweets for everyone in Judi's department that has helped her.  It was great to meet people and put faces together with some of the names I know.

Took off yesterday morning around 6:00 our time and made it home by 5:30.  If it hadn't been for Atlanta traffic I would have made it earlier.  It was a relatively painless drive...nice weather...but by the last hour or two I was tired of every tape I had in the van and every radio station known to man.

I can't begin to tell you how good it was to see my guys.  I missed them more than I ever have in my life.

So this morning I woke up...rather tired but got into work at 8:00.  I was talking to my boss and getting ready for a 9:00 meeting when the phone rang and it was Ernie...crying in pain.

Yup.

I went home and got him into the emergency room.  Since his prostatectomy he has had a slight hernia above his belly button, over the top of his scar.  It's never been horrible...it hurts a bit, he lays down, etc.  He'd talked to his doctor about it and he had said there wasn't really anything to do until it got worse.  Well, it got worse in a hurry today.  It was so horrible seeing him in such incredible pain.  They managed to get it back in and after a seemingly endless hour or two of watching Ernie gasp and shudder from the painful spasms it calmed down. So we have a surgery consult next Tuesday.  Yup.  Just what we need.

Our friend Matt was wonderful and picked up the boys and fed them lunch because oh yes, it was early dismissal day on top of everything else.  Geesh.  He told me that anytime I call him on the phone and ask him to do something while crying...he will do it.  Good man!

So we got home and both just sat in the living room.  Totally exhausted.

I called my mother and told her I just didn't know if I could get her to the hospital today.  She cried. 

You know....I had enough time to go get her...but I just had hit a wall.  I can't even explain it.  I just couldn't handle one more thing.  I left a tearful message on my friend Ann's answering machine and she and her husband came through as they always do for us.  Bob brought my mother over to the hospital.  I feel sort of guilty now but I tell you....I just couldn't handle it today. I just hit a wall.

We have a call in to the admissions person at the nursing home.  My mother is having a hard time.  They said he should be able to be released in a day or two.  They also called and said he was agitated and had given him something to calm him down.  I knew it would be like that.  I knew it.