It was a good day today. How can I say that? I have no frigging idea. I do feel surrounded by a lot of love for Judi and for the rest of the family....I guess that's it.
This morning Debbie went back to my mother's so I sat with Judi for awhile but I was so exhausted I finally crawled into bed. I know it's just my reaction to stress. Then Ernie said that the hospice nurse was coming in half an hour. Unfortunately it wasn't our beloved Brandie but this woman was lovely as well. She checked Judi and talked to us and said it could be a matter of days or merely a matter of hours. Beverly visited with Judi a bit and then Nancy and Karen did some practices with her and told us to go out to lunch. I hesitated but then decided to go and I must say it felt good to feel fresh air. I realize the only time I've been out of the house since last Sunday morning was lunch yesterday.
After Nancy and Karen left Debbie, Ernie and I went upstairs and sat with Judi. There are LONG stretches between her breaths. I mean REALLY LONG stretches. You sit there and you can't help holding your breath, staring at her, wondering if she's going to breathe in again. At one point I was laying next to her and she breathed out and I waited, and waited, and waited....looked up at Debbie....looked back at Judi and waited some more and then she all of a sudden breathed in and......I hate to admit this but I burst into laughter. I just couldn't help it. Poor Judi stirred so Debbie rubbed her arm and told her it was o.k. it was just her crazy baby sister. I tried to stop but then we all started trying to stop giggling. THEN my sister Debbie said, "do you remember that Mary Tyler Moore show?" and Ernie immediately said, "oh, with Chuckles the Clown?" and then I finally had to get up and leave the room for a minute.
I know I will fall apart when Judi finally doesn't breathe in again but I am feeling more at peace. She seems comfortable.....Nancy and Karen are here to practice with her and she is surrounded by love. I guess this is the best we can do.