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Only a week and a half in to the school year and we're sick. Can you freaking believe it? Leo, Owen and I all stayed home yesterday. Owen and I are making the push to school and work today but it's not easy. Leo still has a bit of a fever and is home for another day. Geesh.
I don't feel well enough to write more so I'll just leave you with some pictures.
I wish it would rain.
I want to sit on the porch with Ernie and watch the rain. Not to be today I guess......sunny and hot to boot. It would feel so much more fitting if it were to rain.
I still feel hollow thinking about Van. Spending yesterday evening with two of our dearest friends really helped me feel more peaceful though. Boo, Doug, Papa Del's, Leo's brownies and some wine. Very, VERY good medicine. The best kind of medicine.
This morning though I keep clicking over to facebook and re reading everyone's comments about Van. I think something in him would be pleased at the gathering of friends there----so many that loved him and so many that knew him from his beloved days in C-U. And if I've ever doubted the value of 'social media' I do not now. Many of us had reconnected, or reconnected more strongly with Van in recent years this way and it gives us a way to grieve together. I'm supposed to go work at my mother's house today----doing some more packing. I'm not sure I can bring myself to do that though. It's hard at the best of times.
Yesterday, after cleaning up the kitchen (God I love my husband), Ernie sat down with the laptop and read my post on Van. It brought him to tears (I must admit I always feel that it's the sign of a really good post if I can make Ernie either laugh out loud or cry). I went over to hug him but he needed kleenex more so I headed to get that. As I walked through the dining room the boys looked up from their Lego and asked if Daddy was crying. I said yes, that he was sad about our friend dying and told them to go give him a hug. They ran over and stood on either side of him hugging and kissing him. He smiled and thanked them and I gave them a quick hug too and told them I appreciated their being so good to their Dad. They scampered back to the Lego and a few minutes later Leo's voice rose about our sniffs as he said to himself, "well, I hope we can still have a good time at lunch." It cracked me up...he'd been sweet and sympathetic but must have reached a point where he thought "enough is enough people." I assured him that we would still have a good time at lunch....and indeed we did, sadness or no sadness.
A few pictures from Friday and Saturday:
Yesterday. I felt off balance all day. When I got up I checked my email and then facebook as I am wont to do each morning while I eat my cheap frozen bagel with peanut butter on it. I started seeing updates and comments about Van being gone and I couldn't even comprehend it. Ernie was talking to me, holding my bagel fresh from the toaster to give me----and I wasn't responding. Finally I looked up and said, "Van" and couldn't keep going. He said, "what about Van?" and I said "he's....he's gone.....he died" and just looked up at him. He dropped the bagel onto the chair and turned the screen toward him and we both just looked at his facebook page in shock. I started sniffing and Owen ran over to check on me. Ernie explained that I was just very sad about a friend. Owen patted my shoulder and kissed me and Ernie walked him to school. I headed off to work but found it hard to focus. I was o.k. until I saw the receipt for the flowers we sent, and the message Ernie had written on the card: we love you Van. Ernie picked me up from work and he had Elvis in the cd player. We drank a toast to him and lunch and then just drove around for a bit listening to Elvis.
I came to town a few years after Van did....and I used to see him at all the shows at Mabel’s….and at the afterparties as well. Then my friend Eileen moved into an apartment on Logan Street. There were four apartments on the second floor of this odd little building. The other apartments were occupied by Tim McKeage, Lane and Van Cagle. We’d nod and say hello but one night as Ernie, Eileen and I trooped up the stairs, no doubt with a case of Old Milwaukee Light from the liquor store down the street (I know it was like drinking pop but good lord it was cheap) we heard Wanda Jackson echoing down the hallway from Van’s apartment. We stood there mesmerized and then knocked on his door and marched right in. He gave us one of those bemused looks of his and then shared some of the beer he had sitting on his kitchen counter and showed us the Rockin With Wanda album cover. After that I never felt that we were just people in the same scene....but friends.
Two years Ernie and I left town as I headed to grad school and after that we settled in Chicago. I guess we’d heard through the grapevine that Van was teaching in New Orleans but I must admit it didn’t cross our minds when we planned a honeymoon there. And yet….as we crossed a street heading toward the French Quarter Ernie said, “that guy looks like Van.” The three of us passed each other with our heads turned staring back in amazement before Van turned and followed back to the sidewalk. We ended up spending an hour or two sitting in a bar in the French Quarter talking and laughing.
In 2006 I started this blog, feeling a bit lost and disconnected. Just a few months later was the Vertebrats reunion. Ernie and I got there early and were tucked at a table just inside the door. We sat there watching people come in-----so many of them familiar, trying to remember faces and names. We saw Van come in and he stood there next to our table for a minute letting his eyes adjust to the darkness. We just sat there staring at him and grinning. Soon enough he turned and saw us and we all laughed and hugged each other. At the end of the evening I made sure someone took a picture of us because I was so happy to see him.
After that we corresponded by email a lot. Van was a great late night emailer and he would sometimes stop by the blog as well----or email me to respond to a post. We often talked about the way in which seeing that whole crowd at the Brats reunion shook us up. In fact he wrote this:
I don't mind saying that I have been a little teary-eyed for a week. I have tried to cheer myself up by doing constructive things and even by going to places that I like here in NYC. But I can’t shake the reunion yet. It has affected me on a much deeper emotional level than the first two. One of the reasons that I have felt as I do is because since leaving CU, I have never had such a large and interesting group of friends as I did during the time when the VBs existed. In essence, I had at least 25 close friends, which is truly incredible, and I knew by face and name about 150 people. That’s truly astounding. In addition, I have felt very melancholy all week, because I really don’t think that I will ever experience again what I experienced in CU. The older we get, the harder it is to make friends. Being in CU again made me realize what a special time and place it was for all of us during the late 70s-early 80s. In meeting tons of incredible people during this period, I learned more about films, art, literature, theater, and popular music from friends than I ever learned from college courses I took, because there was this special moment when really intelligent people were at the same place at the same time.
And after the 2009 reunion he had similar thoughts:
Great blog about the reunion. I have to admit that like some you mention, I too shed tears. I spent most of the afternoon at Sasha and Dick's house, then Becky Youngman and I spent two hours talking over an early supper. When I got on Amtrak (an hour late, as usual), it was so quiet and desolate. I walked the aisles once, hoping for a familiar face from the reunion, but found none. I sat in the snack car and thought about the weekend and also found myself tearing up. I rarely cry, but do tear up at times. Since leaving CU in the 1980s I have never been able to find a group of friends who were as interesting, creative, and smart as my CU friends, and I have never been able to relocate that same sense of camaraderie that we all had. Thanks to everyone for the great reunion and thanks to Cynthia for all the great videos and pics.
Another time, on the anniversary of Elvis’ death I mentioned that I was thinking of him and he responded with this:
Cynthia---I appreciate your thinking of Elvis and me. As always I really enjoyed reading your post. The day of Elvis’s death is one that I vividly recall as well, because I was busy preparing for a major move that would ultimately change my life forever. The next day, I arrived in Champaign, IL, where I lived for 10 years. When I was growing up in Elvis’s hometown of Tupelo, Mississippi, among people my age, it was very uncool to like Elvis. Like Kenny, I was a part of the “Beatles generation” and the first bands that impacted me were those that fell under the rubric of the “British Invasion.” In fact, I did not become an Elvis fan until way, way after the fact, so to speak. Oddly and ironically enough, my Elvis fandom literally grew out of my identification with punk. On January 8, 1978 (also the date of Elvis’s birth) the Sex Pistols performed in Memphis. At the last minute, I was able to acquire tickets. As I walked toward the dilapidated concert hall, where the Pistols were to perform, I noticed two lines of people. One led to the entrance of the concert hall, and this line consisted of “punked out” adolescents and young adults. The other line led into a convention center that was hosting a 3-day Elvis memorabilia show. This particular line consisted of thousands of international Elvis fans. What an incredible sight---those two lines---almost physically touching one another, yet in many ways, so psychically divergent. On the following day (after recovering from the Sex Pistols show---a story unto itself), I decided to attend the Elvis memorabilia show. While there my conception of Elvis fans changed dramatically. Like many, I had based my overall image of fans on derisive media reports and exploitative newspaper photographs. However, at the convention, I met many fans that were in my age range; in particular there were roughly 400 working class British fans that seemed to fall between the ages of 18-29. The most interesting thing about these fans was the fact that they drew heavily on Memphis rockabilly style; in particular the fans dressed in an extremely flamboyant manner (the gold lame suits were especially bombastic). In addition, they viewed Elvis as a gateway to understanding the oppressive working class "caste system" in Britain----the system that caused these fans to feel "trapped" and without a lot of hope. Because of Elvis's upbringing, and his disavowal of the typical ways in which stars spend money, British fans also found that he provided a “blueprint” for survival. These fans intrigued me so much that after that day I began to slowly investigate Presley’s music. As time went on I purchased Presley’s records; I became friends with numerous US and British fans; I continued to attend yearly conventions and conferences in Memphis; I became a bona fide fan. Bob Dylan once claimed of Elvis, “Hearing him for the first time was like busting out of jail.” Keith Richard explains: "Before Elvis, everything was in black and white. Then came Elvis. Zoom, glorious Technicolor.” I couldn’t agree with them more. Thanks again, Cynthia.
Oh Van. Thank you. Thank you with love.
I feel stunned and empty after hearing of the death of a beloved friend.
Who would have thought that when I scurried down Green Street to Mabel's so many years ago, fake i.d. clutched in my hand, rushing not to miss a minute of the Vertebrats first set (first of three mind you....none of this one or two set business bands do today).....that all these years later, Peter and Zoe Draznik, who evidently are as lovely as their parents, would send a big box of Lego to my boys?
Oh good LORD but there was great excitement in the land yesterday. Honest to God, when the boys first called me at work to tell the great news I could barely understand them.....they were practically speaking in tongues. Ernie said he really wished he'd gotten a video of when they opened the box---much screaming and everything was "rare." "oh look, this one is rare, oh, and this one is rare and I've never even SEEN THIS...it must be REALLY RARE!" And as Leo said, "and the rarest thing of all....LEGO SOCCER!"
When I got home Parker and Dema were over and all four were happily ensconced in piles of Lego. There was much yelling and pointing as my two attempted to point out every highlight and then sweet little Dema looked up and just calmly said, "it's a great day" and smiled. It was indeed.....
1. The other day Owen said something to Leo that bothered him (not unusual). Leo glared at him and stomped up the stairs yelling, "AS IF." Oh good lord....I'm just not up for the teen years....and I'm barely into the tweens.
2. I'm going to be more upfront asking for donations for our upcoming house concert(s). Because if we don't---well, we won't be able to keep doing them and each one seems to be more fun than the last! I'm not setting a price for this one but generally Peter Case's ticket prices are between $10 and $20. If all adults could contribute SOMEthing it would be great. But that being said....if it's one of those really tight times....just come anyway! If you want to go ahead and donate ahead of time and get it out of the way you can click on the Peter Case thingy that's up at the top of the right column. No pressure though, o.k?
3. Last night Owen was watching a little tv and ended up on some Disney movie for teens. The boys haven't gotten into Disney stuff much which is best for all of us because Ernie can get somewhat irrational discussing his theory that Mickey Mouse is Big Brother. So as I watched this movie with him I was kinda speechless. God, give me Sponge Bob anyday. HIM I can get behind. This? I flailed about helplessly saying things like, "you know honey, not all girls act like that, not all women think purses are that important, uh...." Geesh.
4. And here's my beloved David Olney from the other night in Nashville ---the magnificent Sergio Webb and whole band!!! MAN I wanted to be there.... and when he sings "otherwise asshole, leave me alone" I just sigh in pleasure.
5. We were supposed to have kale with our grilled chicken last night but I forgot. Tonight I guess as it's looking beautiful. Instead I sauteed potatoes, yellow summer squash, red bell pepper, garlic and jalopeno, and tossed it all with a bit of feta cheese. Pretty wonderful if I do say so myself.....
Again, I'm reminded by how energizing good friends are. Ernie and I were both ridiculously tired last night when I got home from work. We finally acknowledged that we've both been in a funk. I'm not entirely sure why....but he's been in a cancer/life-in-general funk and I've been in a cancer/mother/sister/father/life-in-general funk. We sat outside enjoying the weather, trying to perk ourselves up, and just as we were going in our friends Rob and Linda came down to sit with us for awhile before rounding up their kids. It was so nice. The hot weather has kept us inside so we haven't done as much as that as we like this summer. I can't say they totally blew us out of our funk but they made pretty damn good headway. We nibbled on blackberries and watched our children race around the field with flashlight armed nerf guns.
I know it's going to get hot again...but here's to cooler weather and good friends....
Oh, and I had an email from Jason Ringenberg in my inbox this morning and my little heart went thump, thump, thump....
It was kind of an iffy weekend....gotta work harder on making the weekends better. Friday night got a call from the Peter Case booking agency saying that even though I'd signed a contract, my house concert isn't all that established and blah, blah, blah and I don't charge a set ticket price...eventually I said, "so you want more money, right?" Uh, yeah. Which is FINE.....I have NO problem at all with paying more. He said make an offer, I did, they accepted it, I signed the contract and then they call and say they sent it to Pete and it's not o.k. Which makes me feel like I've insulted Peter Case or something. After going round and round he said, well, it's just Peter's manager, not Peter and I said, well, I don't care if his manager is insulted just send me a new contract. The poor man paid though because he got me so upset I cried. HA! I doubt he's used to having people cry on him. Oh well.
Oh, and I had to send a check off to the place in Maine and that whole thing still makes me feel rotten.
Saturday started o.k....we decided not to go to the Farmers' Market as we had a ton of vegetables. Ernie took Owen to his guitar lesson and they took FOREVER getting back home and Leo and I were a bit irritated. Then they walked in and Owen immediately began gesticulating wildy and saying that when they had a lemonade and a beer at the Esquire (where Ernie waited for him) Daddy told him to be good because Mom was in one of those moods where she's oversensitive and gets upset. I, of course, glared....while Ernie, of course, looked as though he wanted to strangle Owen. Owen just kept talking and Ernie kept saying, "be QUIET Owen."
Then the boys acted rotten when their friends came over and I wanted to murder them, or at least trade them in for their friends.
Later in the evening we were flipping around the tv and landed on the show with Betty White and Valerie Bertinelli, which unfortunately looked absolutely horrid. I pointed to Valerie Bertinelli and told Owen that his father had always had a weak spot for her. Ernie told him that she reminded him of me (which surprised me actually) and Owen said, "oh, you mean when Mom was younger?' "NO, Owen, I replied, she's actually OLDER than I am." sigh. I don't blame him at all...but geez.....
Eventually I just gave up on the day, went upstairs to our room and closed the door and read.
Today we were going to go to breakfast but Leo hates going to breakfast...ever since the old Carmon's closed....says he does NOT like pancakes during daylight. Sigh. Sometimes I'm just not up for the battle so I said forget it and we gathered boxes and newspaper and went over to my mother's house. Ahhhhh...you haven't heard me mention that in awhile, have you? That's because after an initial brief burst of activity and help by friends, I have let it sit. For no good reason other than that I just couldn't bring myself to deal with it. Well, it looks like we are finally selling it so it's time to get going. We went over and focused on just packing up what we wanted to have here at home. It was, well.....it was very, very hard. Ernie's been over there every so often but I have avoided it. Going back in and seeing everything and my mother's wheelchair....well, suffice to say it didn't feel as though it has been six months. It has though---six months since my mother died, a year and a half since Judi died and a little over two years since my father died. Going back over there brought every one of those losses to the forefront though and I couldn't help but be very sad. The boys comforted me when I got teary and were very good about helping. Leo looked at me with his big brown eyes and agreed that it was hard to be there. Owen got me some ice water and tissues.
We didn't stay as long as I thought we would but we did accomplish what we had planned. So this afternoon we've been trying to fit things into our house. Later in the week we'll go over and finish packing anything we will sell ourselves an antique shows. Then we're just left with....well....the rest.
a couple of my father's old briefcases and bags to go to Goodwill
My mother kept all her sewing stuff in this. What I'll do with it I don't know....but I couldn't bear to get rid of it.
1. The other night Ernie and I were feeling sort of disjointed again. He was going to grill ribs but got started too late, so we pulled salmon out the freezer but then I sighed and put it back in. We decided to order. Used Eat CU delivery for the first time which was quick---although I made Ernie wait while I googled every thai dish I wasn't familiar with. I told him he must love me a lot to put up with me. He just nodded resignedly and said he did.
We curled up with our dinners and watched The Fantastic Mr. Fox with the guys. Owen had suggested it and I commented that I thought he hadn't liked it that much. He was HIGHLY offended and said, "Aunt DEBBIE took us to see that movie and it was WONDERFUL!" O.k., o.k.... Anyway---we LOVED it as well. The boys turned out all the lights so it would be like a movie theatre and it was a lovely time. There were various pauses for breaks throughout so it's not the quickest way to watch a movie but we had a really nice time together. When it was over I started closing windows and saying we should all go upstairs because the boys needed to go to bed and I knew Ernie was really tired. Leo helped me carry things into the kitchen and when Ernie yelled to check the time, Leo told me it was 9:21. I said, "oh, don't tell Daddy that---tell him it's later." He scampered back in the room grinning, saying "I told him it was 11:00" and we giggled. A few minutes later as we got ready for the boys to lead us upstairs with flashlights (I really don't know why but they thought they should) Ernie caught a glance of the clock and said "HEY, it's not even 9:30!" Leo and I giggled and giggled and giggled and GIGGLED. He looks SO beautiful when he laughs. We convinced Ernie to come upstairs anyway and we watched a bit of tv and enjoyed the breeze coming in the windows. Of course what you will note in this story is that NO, yet again we have failed to slowly get the boys ready for earlier bedtimes. Every year I swear we will and every year I fail.
2. The boys had their first day of school yesterday although it was only for a couple of hours. I talked to them on the phone when they got home. Leo told me there were some kids he knew in his class. "oh good," I said, "any kids you like?" There was a long pause and then said, "well, I'm not going to say yet." That's my boy...don't want to take any chances on saying you like somebody....
3. Owen had a pretty good day. It's going to be hard for him because he ADORED his teacher last year. I talked to him about it, explaining that there were always going to be some teachers that were very special and stood out for you. For me it was third grade with Mrs. Brown. That was the year my father had numerous neurosurgeries and she had the whole class make get well cards, when that didn't work they made get well charms and when that didn't work they made curses to get rid of the evil stuff. My father had them all over his room but since he was in isolation they had to all be thrown away. I wish I had them now. Anyway, I told him I LOVED Mrs. Brown, just like he loved Mr. Hanson....but I still really liked other teachers....it's just that some are special.
4. The other blow to Owen is that they no longer will have Papa John's pizza for lunch on Fridays. Now it will be Geovantis or something like that. I hate Papa John's so hopefully this will break Owen's passion for it but Owen is like me in disliking change so I feel for him. He was really grumpy this morning too because he told Ernie he woke him up in the middle of a really good dream. Hopefully this isn't a portent of things to come....
5. Ernie just watched them as they took off, walking on their own. He said they looked so grown up and then as they plodded down the street they suddenly looked like they were 5 again....
5. I've got to start harvesting my kale. I told myself I would harvest it and freeze it when I wasn't cooking with it. Oh well. My Swiss Chard is still bitter but I'm hoping it will be better when we get to cooler weather.
6. One of the people I want to have for a house concert sometime after Peter Case is Phil Lee. This just popped up on Music Fog today. Watch this clip as well to see why he'd be quite entertaining. I love me a smart ass who can write killer songs!
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