One of the lessons I have learned in the last few years is that grief, does indeed, come in waves. Whether it's the loss of the idealistic view of our life I had before Ernie's cancer returned, or the death of my father, my mother or my sister....yes, it comes in waves. And for whatever reason I'm in the midst of a damn big wave.
I love Thanksgiving. I love Christmas too (I am my father's daughter after all) but Thanksgiving is about cooking and family and being thankful and nothing else and I just love it. Every year Ernie buys me virtually every cooking magazine on the market and I scour them and then pretty much cook the same damn meal. We started cooking Thanksgiving dinner right around the time we got married----and my parents would always come, and many years Ernie's folks would drive up to Chicago---even though I don't think it was his father's favorite thing to do---but they did and I loved it. I always liked it when we had an extra friend or two at the table---sometimes those seemed like the best years. Judi would often celebrate either Thanksgiving or Christmas with us---so she wasn't there every year but often. And we always talked about how fun it would be after my parents were gone and we would be free to drive to South Carolina and cook Thanksgiving together.
Last year I was worried about Thanksgiving and how to work it out with my mother in the nursing home. Then our friend Norma took over and managed to get the nursing home driver to kindly agree to drive my mother in her wheelchair to our house (she was too weak at that point to get in and out of the wheelchair as we had done in the past). I was so excited but of course she was back in the hospital by the time it rolled around and so it didn't work out in the end. But I was so caught up in the drama last year that I didn't really have time to think more than passing thoughts about the holidays without my father, without my mother and without my sister.
This year is different and I am finding it hard. We went to The Park With No Toys (Allerton) today and had a wonderful time although I ended being mad at one of the boys. No big deal....just normal kid/parent frustration but when I got home I quickly uploaded the pictures we'd taken because if you can't HAVE a good time it might as well LOOK like you did (honestly...we DID have a good time---I just got frustrated with somebody at the end). And as I waited for them to upload I poked around the computer looking for recipes. I ended up looking at Thanksgiving recipes and as I pondered this recipe....it just hit me that my mother couldn't have one of these olives. She liked olives but would never eat many because of the sodium...but she'd always have one or two and hunch up her shoulders in delight as she ate them. So I cried. Ernie came into the kitchen and I muttered about Thanksgiving and olives and he just held me.
I'm supposed to be going to a party right now but my eyes are puffy and I keep sniffing and I don't know if I can go. I've got to get it together to take Michael Jackson trick or treating later.
You know, when I started this blog in 2006 is when I reconnected with my friend Stephanie.....and she wasn't much past losing her brother. And since I had her blog linked on my page I know my sisters read it as well. I remember Judi once saying to me, "that poor woman, what she's gone through grieving her brother." Now I don't even remember exactly what Stephanie had written that precipitated Judi saying that----but it kind of haunts me....not in a bad way....there's just something...ironic, I guess..... And I remember Stephanie once saying or writing---that the grieving doesn't really get easier. And unfortunately now I understand.
I've been invited to a dinner with Arjia Renpoche, the monk who visited Judi when she was dying. Last time he was here I couldn't go, although I wanted to, because of dealing with my mother. This time I'm just not sure I can bring myself to. It might be good for me. I could thank him for what he did....and yet I just don't know. I've never been able to watch the video we have of Judi and him. She's so weak. I thought the chanting was so beautiful but I just can't listen to it yet.
So between the olives and Renpoche.... But I know I have to grieve. In some ways I didn't have time to wholly grieve Judi because I was so caught up in taking care of my mother.....so I guess this is the year....or the start of it.
Photograph by Lara Robby
- 1 pound large green olives with pits, drained and rinsed
- 1 clove garlic, minced
- 1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil
- 1 tablespoon red wine vinegar
- Zest and juice of 1 lemon
- 1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes
- 1/2 teaspoon dried tarragon
- 1/4 teaspoon curry powder
Cover the olives in cool water; soak for at least 5 minutes or up to 5 hours. In a 1- to 1 1/2-quart container, combine all the remaining ingredients. Add the olives and stir or shake to combine. Make sure the olives are submerged in the marinade. Let sit in a cool, dry place for 1 day. Refrigerate for 1 or 2 days before serving.
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