The Sandwich Life

I'm a Fragile Little Ecosystem

I continue to feel pretty good----and about a million times better, but I do find that I am still figuring out what I can handle and what I can't. In doing so I have come to realize that I am a fragile little ecosystem. My boys jeered a bit when I announced this fact but I think it really is a good descriptor. Cauliflower and I have now parted ways...for life. Garlic and I continue to look longingly at one another from across the room. We're like Romeo and Juliet, although I do hope neither of us die.

In other notes, I was in NO mood for the Cancer Center the other day. I know, I know, when IS someone in the mood for the Cancer Center? It was just one of those days and when one Carle worker took eons to check us out, and ignore what we were saying, Ernie started getting that giggly nervousness that he gets when he sees me getting really irritated with someone other than him. I made it through however, as did he.

And, now, for a little treat, I will leave you with two old pictures of my husband. They are both from before I met him, but pretty freaking cute.

Onward.

Pondering Eyelashes

The other day I looked in the bathroom mirror and blinked, and I noticed that I seemed to have eyelashes again. Now, they're not thick and luxuriant, nothing to write home about, but they feel like a miracle to me.

Over the course of the last three years or so I have been trying to figure out why I felt worse and worse, came down with every single bug or virus, and started accumulating various low level auto immune issues. I went from doctor to doctor and pretty much just got told to live with it and up my antidepressants. That's the life of a middle aged woman in the hands of conventional medicine. I obediently followed directions, saw a therapist to help me with stress. I gave up gluten for the most part...started the low fodmap diet. These bits and pieces helped but only so much. I was overwhelmed with fatigue and brain fog, making it impossible to function well, much less work. I felt hopeless and frustrated. After being on medical leave for much of 2018, and being harassed about that, despite my doctor's support of it, I left my job. No job. No health insurance.

I felt horrible, I couldn't think clearly, my hair was starting to fall out, and my eyelashes had almost disappeared. I was dizzy and couldn't walk distances. I couldn't imagine trying to look for another job while feeling that way, and although there were ups and downs, I seemed to be getting worse, so I made the leap and saw a Functional Medicine doctor. I felt like there wasn't any other option. It wasn't particularly easy for me to step outside conventional medicine and the health insurance system. It was scary and, for us it was a big financial commitment, but there didn't seem to any other direction left to me.

That was in September and I now feel like an entirely different person. I feel sharp and clear eyed again. My energy is coming back, and so are my eyelashes. I could have cried when I saw those wimpy little lashes in the mirror the other day. They may not look impressive to anyone else, but to me they symbolize so much. I've lost over 40 lbs, and although that wasn't the major goal, it's been a delightful by product. The other day, as Ernie and I wandered through an antique mall in a small town somewhere, the oldies playing made me want to tap my foot, and it made me think of dancing. I couldn't even think of the last time I wanted to dance. What a gift.

Functional Medicine looks to the root of your illness, rather than treating symptoms. They do extensive testing and tailor your diet based on the results, as well as prescribing supplements, and working with you to lessen environmental issues. I have a long way to go still, and in some ways it's been hard work, but in other ways, it's been incredibly easy. I think it's been simple for me because I was so ready to make a change; I just needed the direction and help and support. The doctor I've been seeing, Drew Duquette, and his whole team, in Bloomington have been fantastic.

It has been a life changing experience for me.

Now, to see where it leads.

 

Sharp and Clear

I've been quiet of late. I'm in kind of a peaceful place. I mean, I need to find a job, and I should be tense about that, but I feel SO much better, physically and mentally, that there's kind of a cloud of bliss floating around me. I saw my doctor the other day, he and his team seemed really happy with how I am doing. It's kind of mind boggling to me...how DIFFERENT I feel since I started seeing him. My first appointment was in October, and I really started the diet/supplements around the fist of November. I can't begin to tell you the difference between the way I felt then and the way I feel now. My dizziness is 90% gone, my brain fog, all the digestive issues, everything is 90% gone. I lapse back quickly if I cheat, but I haven't cheated much. Eating while traveling is hard....I was craving one of my smoothies by the time we got home yesterday. I've also lost weight, which although it wasn't the primary reason for doing this, has been a great bonus. The biggest difference is really in my brain....the way I feel and think....I've lost the sluggishness and the fog that made it hard to function. I feel sharp and bright and clear again. I feel more like myself than I have in some time.

So I'm floating along in my little bliss. The real world and its worries are there but I feel more able to deal with them.

Last night's last minute dinner. Ernie splurged on a pizza but I quite enjoyed my big bowl of Brussels sprouts, grass fed beef, and pomegranate seeds.

We did some more wandering again over the weekend. The eeriness of Cairo, Illinois has stayed with us. The pouring rain and slightly flooded fields didn't help the miasma of bleakness.

nice ghost sign though, huh?

However, we also found lots of wonderful things, some healthy, some abandoned. As always, I like the abandoned ones better. Is it just that I think they need me?

As always, if you like these pictures, follow me at Instagram. I've been enjoying posting there lately!

 

 

 

Onward to a Happy New Year

2018 will not go down as one of my favorite years. It was a difficult year both physically and emotionally, but DAMNED if I didn't smile all the way through the little slideshow of pictures from it that I just put together. That's why I do it, and why I write here. While sometimes I write about the bad things, and the little squalls that blow through, more often than not I find myself writing about the many good times and people that are in my life, and that reminds me of how very fortunate I am. 

We may not have had as many house concerts, but we went all out with the ones we had!

Wild Ponies 
February

Kieran Kane and Rayna Gellert
March

Corb Lund
March

Brock Zeman and Blair Hogan
May

Adam and Chris Carroll
July

10th Anniversary House Concert
Jason Ringenberg with Fats Kaplin and Kristi Rose, and the Taxi Boys
October

Here is our 2018, house concerts and boys and food and garden and cats. It was a quieter year for Ernie and me, less travel, fewer house concerts, but the boys seemed to blossom, so all was good.

Here are the ones from the last few years if you have time to waste, as I seem to do!

 

 

 

 

State of the Cynthia Address

Well, here I am. Three weeks into my diet on the auto immune protocol with lots of nutritional supplements, four weeks into dropping the foods that I showed an autoimmune reaction to in my tests (eggs, dairy, pork, chicken, wheat, soy, and alcohol). Overall, I am feeling much more like myself. I have more energy, and I don't have as much dizziness, shakiness, and other symptoms that were frustrating me so terribly. I rearranged the living room the other day. I know, it might not seem like a big deal, but I haven't had the physical energy to do that in the past year or so, or the emotional energy to even think about it, or WANT to do it. I've been getting out of the house more as well, going on some drives, looking for my beloved little Pyrex fridgies, or signs and buildings to photograph. The only downside of that, is that the one silver lining to being so quiet and still was my back didn't hurt as much. I'm glad to have the pain back however, if it means I'm feeling better otherwise. 

Ernie deserves an award for being so supportive. Once in awhile he has something else to eat, but by and large is eating what I have for dinner (breakfast and lunch, we're all on our own...and the boys sort of eat on their own these days). Last night was wild caught frozen 'ground' salmon mixed in with a ton of cabbage, with zucchini, with cumin seed (even though I can't have most seeds, I can have cumin and curry...don't know why but I am grateful) and turmeric. It was damn tasty. 

I meet with the doctor this coming week, and I am HOPING that a few foods get added back in. The diet is restrictive, and let's face it, can get kind of dull no matter how you work at it, but it's easier than it sounds really. It is pretty much impossible to go out to eat, although if I give up on the wild caught/organic for an evening I can do it. The other night at the Esquire I had the salmon salad, hold the onions and tomatoes, and I brought my own dressing. See? Doable once in awhile.

And, in other news, Bob seems to like me these days. I'm not questioning it.

Sidenotes:

1. Yes, I know Bob does look like an alien because of his eyes.

        2. I've been enjoying posting a lot of old pictures on Instagram. If you like, follow me at, of course,  thesandwichlife.      

 

 

A Grain of Sand, Friends, and House Concerts

The other evening I got something in my eye. I guess it was early evening because I remember complaining to Leo as he got home from work, while I fussed with my eye. I couldn't see anything in the eye, and couldn't manage to get rid of it. I finally decided I would just go to bed and it would gone in the morning. Denial has alway worked so well for me. Ha! I slept a few hours and then began tossing and turning, alternating trying to ignore it, and trying to flush it out. Eventually I stomped downstairs and tried eye drops. Nothing. I took another shot at flushing it out and got it. I have no idea what it was, a little white goopy thing, but damn, it hurt like hell, and the relief I felt when I finally got it was akin to when Leo's huge head finally popped out me when he was born. Lord that child had a big head.  As I patted my face dry, I went into the kitchen to get a drink of water and saw the clock, 4:58 am. I almost cried. I thought it was the middle of the night. I went back to bed as Ernie got up and finally got a few hours of sleep.

I'm trying to look at the whole thing as some kind of analogy or parable; something that feels huge to you at the time, and overwhelms you, turns out to be a tiny thing, and makes little difference to your life, only a short period of misery that fades away in daylight. So, I am looking for daylight to see clearly and see what the day will feel like without my grain of sand. 

As some of you know, I am no longer at my job. I had taken several months off while I tried to figure out medical issues to no avail. I am working with another doctor now and am hopeful that I will find a solution. In the mean time, I am fine generally, just fighting exhaustion, etc., etc., etc. I spent several hours yesterday trying to look at insurance options and lost several years off my life. That's good in the long run, as it will save several years of health insurance premiums, right? Lord, this country and health care.

Anyway...I must say, the whole "it takes a village" idea has never been more true with this house concert, or more needed. Friends have stepped up and WAY BEYOND, helping us get ready for this show and truly making it happen. Ernie (who has some minor health issues bothering him at the moment that have slowed him down) and I will be forever grateful, and realize more than ever what an incredible chosen family...a family of friends....we have. We send all of you our love.

I can't wait to see you all tomorrow night. There is nothing more joyous and healing than music, particularly with our beloved Jason Ringenberg, Fats Kaplin and Kristi Rose, and the Taxi Boys. There are still a few spaces left, so just yell if you are interested. The more, the merrier. I hope you can join us....my heart will be full!

 

 

Random Notes from the Sandwich Life

1. Texts with Owen.

2. Our summer 2018 grilled chicken is dusted with Old Bay seasoning (naturally low FODMAP!), salt, and pepper, and cooked an hour in a covered charcoal grill. Ernie turns the chicken halfway through...not over, but side to side. It ends up perfect every time. We usually do a lot of whole chickens but we've been buying big packages of chicken thighs as they are cheap, and leave lots left over for various band members who might be scouring the kitchen at some point. Owen has always said he didn't like chicken thighs...but we have converted him.

Last night I was craving the sort of mineral-ly tast of spinach, so I sauteed a big thing of it in a dash of olive oil, and once it was wilted, tossed it with some leftover rice until it was warm. It almost outshone Ernie's chicken. I also experimented with avocado and cucumber to no great success, but the avocado was nice and fresh and creamy despite that. Bad flash picture ahead.

3. End of summer flowers.

4. In excellent news, Hattie continues to be perky and is quite enthralled with some of the canned food. Not all, I mean she has her standards, but some of it. Rascal just looks at us wistfully. 

5. After a day of feeling not too bad, I woke up shaking and with weird head/dizzy sensations. A quiet day perhaps.

Onward.

Random Notes and Various Family Updates

1. The other day my therapist asked me what makes me happy, and what gives me peace. I forget which one I was answering specifically, but I said that it is times when all four of us are just sitting together talking. I've thought a lot about that this week, particularly, of course, when the four of us are together, in the living room or media room talking and laughing, getting cross and then getting over it. Me trying to take pictures and everyone else rolling their eyes at me. This has been a quiet and hard summer for me. I have yet to hear about the neurologist consult. Some days I'm not too bad and I think I can maybe start doing stuff again, and then I have a rough, wobbly, dizzy day and I wonder when this will end. The boys bring me out of myself though, and make me incredibly happy. I am so grateful for them.

2. We have, gulp, become a three car family. Something I never, ever could have imagined. A 63 bug for Owen, a 2000-something Honda for us, and a 2014 cute little Kia for Leo. 

3. Car insurance for a family of four, including two teenage boys? Ay-yi-yi. Luckily both boys are working and contributing, but still.... We will muddle through, as we always do. Leo starting working at Champaign Outdoors (and they are looking for other works---both store and warehouse I believe....15-20 hours or up to 40. If you're interested contact sue@champaignsurplus.com) and seems really happy. He's looking forward to starting Parkland, and has some trips planned...including a trip to Minneapolis to see a DJ set by his FAVORITE band, Pendulum. Owen is busy working at Black Dog, and playing with his band, the Taxi Boys. He also drums in another band that I always forget the name of. He's also starting an internship in which he'll help prepare and serve a community dinner. He got his food handling license the other day and is excited about it. He's going to have a challenging year, trying to juggle junior year of high school along with work and music. They both have grown up so much in the last year, and are so ready to finally start their lives, as they see it. They give me great, great joy. Maybe some of what makes me happy is that sense of exhilaration I get from them, even though sometimes it's balanced by frustration at things not happening soon enough. Whatever it is, it fills my heart.

4. In other news, I had a hamburger. I know, I know...this does not seem like news. But, in the past, the only gluten free buns I had tried were wretched. I had a frozen pizza a few weeks back that I didn't believe was gluten free until Ernie pulled the box out of the trash to convince me. Schnuck's also stocks their buns in the freezer section too, so I had him get them. It's a company called Against the Grain, out of Vermont, and the buns were SO GOOD.Not eating gluten isn't horrible, but I just miss sandwiches once in awhile. We had some leftover grilled chicken so I made a chicken salad and put it on the buns and we loved it. So a few nights later we had burgers. OH MAN. They were so good. Just simply done, with salt and pepper in a hot, hot, hot cast iron skillet. We didn't have any full size tomatoes, but we had a bunch of cherry tomatoes that were close to being overripe, so I quickly cooked those down into a kind of jam to put on the burgers.

Mustard, mayo, tomatoes, and some cheddar for me, Ernie had mustard, tomatoes, cheese, and raw onion on his. It seems a little thing, to be so excited to have a hamburger, but it was so delightful. We went for traditional potato chips on the side. If you're only going to eat a burger every year or so, you gotta do it right. A lousy picture, as it was dark, and I hate flash, but I still felt it should be documented.

5. In other odd food/health related news. I ate some onion and did ok. We ordered pizza the other night (note: not feeling well leads to lazy eating) and they put onion on mine by  mistake. I felt no ill effects so I cooked something with onion the other day, and again....I was ok!! I'm trying to be careful and not push it, but I was pleased. Next up, I will experiment with garlic! And bless if you if you are reading all of this as this is exceedingly dull. Ha! Life unvarnished is often dull, I guess.

6. Poor Hattie had to have her anal glands drained again. Poor thing. She has lost a good bit of weight, which has me very concerned. I can tell she feels much better so we will try to entice her to eat. We're going to take her back in two months and see how she's doing. She the last other female in the house for God's sake. I can't let anything happen to her.

 7. And then there are my zinnias of course, complete with butterfly.

Oh, and last, but not least: Monday night, August 13, 2018 at 10 pm, the Taxi Boys will be on WEFT 90.1. If you're not in the vicinity, you can stream it online. I believe they are also playing at Friday Night Live in Champaign on Friday, August 24, 2018. Not sure of exact time/location yet.

 

Powering Through, and Then Again, Not

I am still alive, I promise you. Quiet, but alive. I'm still struggling with dizziness, etc., etc., and am once again on medical leave. I tried to push through and do some stuff last weekend, but it just didn't work. I thought sheer will could do it, but I give, my body won. I started seeing a therapist, in order to cope with all the uncertainly and unknown I am feeling. It was hard to do, and I'm a bit nervous, but think it will do me good. Monday, I have a consult with a doctor re: the dizziness, we shall see what they say.

A few good things  have happened however. As always, nothing is all good or all bad.

Ernie and our beloved Jon Byrd. Such beautiful boys.

This is how Owen makes ramen:

Although I've barely been in my yard of late, my zinnias are here, and as always, they make me inordinately happy, even if glimpsed from a window.

And, after eating lots of corn on the cob, I always move to corn fritters. Good god, these were a good batch. Leftover sauteed corn and cherry tomatoes, with basil and grated sharp cheddar, a bit of flour, and an egg. 

It's hydrangea time.

In other news, my beautiful Leo decided it was time to get his  license, so he easily and efficiently did it. That boy. Man, I love him. Everything on his own schedule. Now, he and Ernie are heading off to look at used cars. GULP.

Onward.

Grace

I wanted to write about what a lovely birthday I had, and everyone who made it so. The word 'thanks' doesn't seem right, however. It's the  word 'grace' that kept coming to my mind. Perhaps I feel graced by the love of my friends, I don't know, but I felt grace. 2018 won't go down as one of my favorite years, certainly not one of the worst, but our life has been riding over bumpy roads of late, and I don't think I realized how much I needed a dose of kindness, until I got it.

My boys knocked it out of the park. Owen showed up at work mid day with flowers for me, since he was going to be at work when I got home, and wouldn't otherwise see me on my birthday. Then I got home and found that Leo (and Ernie) had done a bunch of projects around the house that I had wanted done. I felt incredibly loved. Add that to flowers and wine from friends, a stunning card from Eva, a long phone call from my sister, and messages from all over...it filled me up. I thank you all.

I decided to postpone my birthday dinner as I wanted all of us there, so we will celebrate that tonight. Ernie and I curled up, ordered Chinese, and buried ourselves in some tv watching. Later, Ernie tossed me a fortune cookie.

Look at it.

Just look at it.