The Sandwich Life

Where, I Ask You, Where?

A quiet snowy weekend. We spent most of it alternating between cooking, watching weird cooking reality shows and moving, sorting, moving and cleaning. Owen continues on his one-man effort to create a special music area for Ernie and his records. Poor Ernie's records have primarily been banished to the basement as our family grew and now Owen has decided that Ernie MUST have a quiet spot to sit and listen to music by himself (evidently I kicked this off when I said the fourth room was going to be trains and there was no way I was putting a Who poster in our bedroom). Owen is nothing if not utterly devoted to his father so he has done more cleaning and moving and unpacking of the basement than has EVER been seen in our house. There were huge piles for trash pick up (some detritus from various floods) and there are stacks of books in the living room. Some are going to Goodwill, a few I will toss onto eBay. Then are things like some of the colored Victorian glass my mother had and had given to Judi. The other day it came to mind and I thought, "Gee, I should have taken some of that from Judi's house." Yesterday as I unpacked the box of it I thought, "oh good God, what was I thinking, taking this?" I'm selling some of it, some of it will go in a cupboard. The blue sugar shaker might be nice if I served something that needed powder sugar. I told Ernie that and he just looked at me. Eh, I guess I could eBay it as well....

Then are things like the orginal bride and groom from my parents' wedding cake that then was used in our wedding cake. WHERE DOES ONE KEEP THINGS LIKE THAT??? 

And then there's this:

Dust and Free Floating Anxiety

I've been up since 4:30 this morning...unable to get back to sleep, twisting and turning with worries racing through my head. Some are real, some aren't, but they all leave me feeling restless and tired. I finally got up, hoping I could escape the low hanging cloud of free floating anxiety. It hasn't worked terribly well.

I've been working on our taxes. I don't have all the forms yet but I want to have an idea of how much we'll get back..not as much this year unfortunately which added to my general haze of unease. I almost spit at the computer I got so frustrated with Turbo Tax. I finally harumphed over to H & R Block and tried their program but oddly it gave me a bit less money and irritated me too so I guess I'm stuck with Turbo Tax despite it refusing to import last year's information and glitching out on me periodically.

After I finished the tax stuff I still couldn't relax so I dragged Ernie upstairs to work on the Fourth Room. We were supposed to focus on it all weekend but eh....  I sorted books, saving some, putting others in a donate box. After books were stacks of prints and posters and frames. Some have to be saved (my two Vertebrats posters...how I regret getting rid of the others...sigh), others I put in the donate pile. My father's Boston College diploma, with its broken glass, I reluctantly pitched. I just can't keep everything I keep tellling myself.

I feel myself getting so frustrated by all of the THINGS and the responsibility of having all these THINGS. Far too many things piled up in our house, and yet I am someone who gets attached to things....who imbues them with feelings and meanings that they surely don't really have. Why else do I love antiques so...but for all the history and stories they bring with them? I'm hopeless.

Ernie brought a box over and in it were four paintings that my grandmother had done of flowers. When I was a kid I just thought it was so incredibly magic and exotic that my grandmother could paint like that. I pulled them out of the box and looked at them and I just felt frantic at having nowhere for them. My mother had given those to Judi a long time ago and I was furious because I had wanted them too. I had asked Judi if I could have one of them and she refused. I was SO angry at her....angry for a long time. And now she is gone and I have them with nowhere to put them. It fucking breaks my heart and makes me so angry, far angrier than I ever was at my sister.

So I cried.

Between that and all the dust I have a headache. I hate days like this.

 

Random Notes from the Sandwich Life

I've been so busy that I haven't had time to write. However, the three day weekend is looming ahead in a wonderful way!  Tuesday night many friends of Naomi Jakobsson and Teri McCarthy joined us at Fries and Peanuts to raise a toast to the work Naomi did in the state legislature. We are so fortunate to have had her service for twelve years. I threw the invite up on facebook just a few days before and we bought an uglyish cake. I felt bad that I didn't do something with more forethought, because she deserves so much more. In hindsight though it was perfect. I was pleased to see many people come out that I didn't even know which means the word did get out there a bit. I was beyond happy to see Teri and Naomi smiling, and to watch people thank Naomi for all she has done. The tiny, tiny effort I made brought me so much happiness. It was an important lesson....always make an effort, even if it seems small, because even small efforts can reward you. I've been mulling that over in my mind all week.

In other random family news, the new stove continues to work and we are praying that the Appliance Gods have lifted their curse. I made a delightful fritatta last night for dinner...just potatoes, some Italian sausage, onion and rosemary...oh, and a bit of cheese. Overbrowned it a bit...have to get used to this broiler,  it but it was still delightfully tender and moist inside.

It looks like Leo will most likely attend RailCamp in Deleware this summer. We are planning to drive him out there and then spend the week vacationing (assuming I can figure out how to pay for all this) with Owen while Leo Railcamps. I figure we can do things that Leo would hate to do (go to Winterthur and Cape May) and Owen should eat up the only child time. Last night I told Owen this plan and his face fell. "Well, I don't really want to go without Leo. I mean, he's a good guy, and when you're not around we really talk a lot." Oh good God I thought...nobody's ever happy with what I plan. He said he'd think about it. This morning however he was in better spirits, although he was outraged over my abandonment of my morning coffee milk. "But WHY Mom? Milk loved you," he yelled as he opened the refrigerator door and pointed to the lonely milk. Then all of a sudden he announced, "I'm o.k. with that." I gave him a bleary glance and said, "You're o.k. that I'm not drinking milk?" and he cheerfully explained that no, he was o.k. with going on vacation without Leo. Then he spent some time placing the refrigerator magnets in funny positions on the refrigerator and chortling. I swear it's exhausting but I do love that child.

Don't forget that Kevin Gordon will be at our place a week from tomorrow---on Friday, January 23, 2015. We can not WAIT to have him and I promise to stay healthy. I'm still not sure what I'm making. I found an Indian recipe using black eyed peas so I thought I could do that in homage to our aborted New Year's meal of Hoppin John. More recipe obsessing to do though....

  

 

 

And in the spirit of throwback Thursday....my sweet peas from a time when the battles were more simply defined. I do adore them, the big hulking things. Sometimes I hear someone talking in Leo's room and I wonder who has the deep voice and then I realize it's Leo. Sniff, sniff.

 

Sun Dogs and Lessons and Moments in Time

The last few days have produced some wonderful sun dogs! 

The stove outlook has improved. I finally got a call from the person at Dick Van Dyke Appliance World. She said, "I understand you're having some problems with your range." I think I was speechless for a moment or two before I launched into the YEAH-IT-DOESN'T-WORK rant. She ended up saying she'd completely misunderstood the situation and apologizing. New stove is to be delivered this morning. Crossed fingers.

I felt better when that was settled. After work we stopped at Fries and Peanuts to borrow a disc drive from our friend Ceal (and to have a drink and chat....man I love those alone times with my husband). While there we were chatting to another friend who is struggling with a nasty ex situation that of course not only impacts her life, but even more importantly, that of her beautiful young son. Lord but that put my stove into perspective. I'd rather have a million broken stoves (uh...just kidding Appliance Gods) than have to deal with problems like that. Perspective, perspective, perspective. I've always got to remember that...

As were sitting there at Fries and Peanuts sombody put Paradise City on the jukebox. Immediately, the first time I heard that song popped into my head. I was sitting with a bunch of co-workers from the Department of Cultural Affairs in Chicago....we were at one of those Greek coffee shops in the loop, having drinks after work, and that song came on the jukebox. I don't know why I remember it so clearly. It's not as though I went on to be a huge Guns N' Roses fan. I also remember clearly the first time I heard a Nirvana song. I was in the car, my little blue Honda, my first car, and I was on Route 53 in Lisle, waiting to turn onto 355.

Why is that? Why do I remember those moments and they still pop into my head when I hear those artists? Anybody else have those moments in time that somehow got etched into your head? Why is it those stick in my head so much more strongly than the first time I heard artists that went on to mean something to me personally? Something to ponder. And luckily....I have a whole weekend to ponder. FRIDAY!

 

In Which I am Smote Down by the Appliance Gods and Owen Officially Becomes a Teenager

I will make this brief.

I got home last night furious at one of my children. I was so mad that I could barely admire my new stove. Eventually I calmed down, admired it, and decided to cook dinner. I was rather tired as my body was thoroughly confused at being upright all day, but figured I had to play with my new stove. A Jaques Pepin recipe for chicken thighs was found. I finished the chicken thighs and put them in my warming drawer (!) and poured off the fat in the saucepan, getting ready to make a pan sauce. All of a sudden there was a loud pop and a hot smell. The board at the top of the stove went black. We couldn't turn the oven off (where I was roasting potatoes) because you do that via the board. There was much shrieking (by me) and impressive cursing (by my husband). The boys came downstairs and added to the overall shaking fists at the Appliance Gods.

I kid you not.

My fucking new (expensive) stove didn't make it through one meal. A good hour or two of ranting, raving, and weeping by various family members followed.

I put the rest of the food in the refrigerator because I wasn't microwaving a god damned pan sauce. Then I drank wine even though it made me a little nauseous. Desperate times people, desperate times.

Owen's 13th birthday picture---the middle one is blurry but I like it anyway.

 

The Kevin Gordon Curse

During the first round of vomiting I thought to myself "oh damn...I gotta get over this quick, the house concert is TOMORROW!" In the midst of the second round of vomiting I decided that I could just stay in bed the next day and not let anyone upstairs and Ernie could handle the house concert on his own. The third time I found myself bent over the damn toilet I thought, "hmmm......I think we need to let Kevin know what he'll be walking into." By the fourth round I just wanted to cry because I was relieved Kevin Gordon's show was canceled and heartbroken at the same time that it was canceled and there was nothing left to come out of me and I was tired of throwing up.

The Gordon Curse. Last year I was sick as a dog during his New Year's Day show but it was a sinus infection kind of thing hanging on---I didn't feel like I was endangering anyone so we went ahead and it was a great show. Granted I went to bed as soon as it was over, but it was great. This year, between vomiting I dozed and looked at my iPad and of course read all sorts of things about the flu and contagion and finally I realized we just couldn't welcome people into our house with these germs floating about. I still cried like a baby when Ernie came upstairs from talking to Rodney (Kevin's booking guy) and Kevin on the phone to tell me it was officially cancelled.  I just sat there crying like a five year old, sobbing "I'm just so disappointed." Ernie told me I was burning up and got me back into bed where I laid there like a pathetic rag.

I had been SO excited for this show....we were really excited to hear some of Kevin's new songs, we had some new folks coming to the show, I thought we'd have a good show, my hoppin john was great....and I had hoped to send Kevin on his way with a good sized stack of $20 bills. That's what made me feel the worst, not just the disappointment for us, but for messing up Kevin's bottom line for the week. Ach.

I promise we'll make it up to you Kevin...

So that was 2014. I can't say it will go down as one of my favorite years. Certainly not one of the worst however. We started out the year in February with Ernie's cancer showing its head, then the car accident in March. Totaled the car, had to buy a new one, and even with the insurance settlement it killed us financially. Took months to get Ernie's shoulder injury properly diagnosed, then surgery. The refrigerator debacle in the midst of it...and then the stove. Oh yeah, by the way, we bought a new stove. We tried getting parts and couldn't get it to work and then the stove top started acting weird and we just said the hell with it. So, in the last year and a half we have bought a furnace/air conditioner, a car, a refrigerator and a stove (my stomach hurt when we were buying it but I thought it was just stress....didn't realize it was the flu coming on). No wonder we're broke. Geesh.

Anyway...it's 2015 and I am feeling better today. I actually ate something other than saltines and ginger tea. More importantly, my gorgeous and delightful son Owen turned 13 today. And that really makes everything all right with the world. Now I'm going to go lie down on the couch again. 

Opening birthday gifts this morning:

 

Christmas Squalor!

My friend Sasha posted on facebook the other day something to the effect of enjoying the Christmas squalor. As I looked out at our disaster of a house, bits of wrapping paper here and there, dining room table covered with Lego, messy kitchen....I thought Christmas squalor was the perfect, happy descriptor. And indeed, we have been enjoying it. Of course it's Chhistmas break so what happens? Yes, I get a cold. It's not horrid though. I spent much of yesterday on the couch but part of that was partly because I COULD. 

I have filed so many things away to tell you but now of course they are out of reach. A few random notes:

1. The other day Ernie told me he'd found something yellow on the bathroom floor. I said, "ewwww" because really, what else would you say? He grabbed some paper towels and went into the bathroom, only to come out a second later saying, "oh, it was just egg yolk." I just nodded my head because it didn't seem worth the effort to say, "WTF? Are the cats laying EGGS now? Is Owen making ramen in the SHOWER?" Sometimes it's best to just nod your head.

2. Overheard from Owen's Christmas day conversation with his Aunt Debbie, "No, the better question is, why WOULDN'T you want a baguette in your stocking?"

3. Yes, there was still Lego at Christmas.

4. And then the boys' incredibly generous Uncle Dennis showed up and there was a veritable WALL of Minecraft Lego....

5. Poor Bob sought refuge.

6. Best new recipe made over the holidays: Cranberry Horseradish Sauce! My friend Ceal had brought me a jar of her own horseradish. As I was perusing recipes for a sauce for our ham I found this one and we LOVED it! Somehow the sharpness of the horseradish tames the bitterness of the cranberry more effectively than just sugar does. We loved it and it took about two seconds to make!

Cranberry Horseradish Sauce
Epicurious

Cranberries mixed with sugar and citrus are perfectly fine for turkey, but pork needs something a little different. Here, the tart quality of the cranberries is underlined by the horseradish, and together they enhance the sweet, sturdy nature of roast pork.

1 (12-oz) bag fresh or frozen cranberries
1 (6-oz) jar prepared horseradish, including juice, or 1/4 cup firmly packed finely grated peeled fresh horseradish
2/3 cup sugar
1/3 cup water
preparation

Bring cranberries, horseradish, sugar, and water to a simmer in a 3-quart heavy saucepan over moderate heat, stirring with a wooden spoon until sugar is dissolved. Simmer, uncovered, stirring and mashing berries frequently with spoon, until berries break down, 5 to 10 minutes.

Serve sauce warm or at room temperature.

7. And that's a jar of gorgeous lemon curd that my beloved Boo brought me. Mmmmmm. I love lemon! Once I have an oven perhaps I'll make something with it. "Once you have an oven," you say? That's right...I have no oven.

Sigh.

I was in the kitchen pulling together Christmas dinner. It was very simple and laid back....ham glazed with marmalade/garlic/mustard/brown sugar. I wanted to make scalloped potatoes but Owen requested mashed, simple creamed spinach, and the above mentioned cranberry sauce. I poured a bit more glaze on the ham and turned up the oven temperature. I busied myself doing other things when all of a sudden I saw a flash come from the oven. Not good. It ran through my head that maybe the glaze had burned from the broiler...only to realize that I wasn't using the broiler. I cautiousy peered into the oven and saw a small section of the baking element happily burning away. I hollered and eventually four Blackwelder boys crowded into the kitchen. We turned the oven off but it kept going....we eventually pulled the oven out into the middle of the kitchen so we could unplug it and it promptly went out. We went ahead and ate our unglazed pork but I couldn't help obsessing about the oven a bit. Later that night I went online and tried to find the part. Of course, no parts listed for our oven as it is too old so I did what any smart person would do and went to bed.

The next morning we looked at our bedraggled stove, the places where the plastic has broken through on buttons and you have to just reach in and push little things inside to set the timer, etc., and wondered whether it was time to bite the bullet and buy a new stove. Then we made the mistake of looking at our credit cards and realizing how much we've spent and how little credit we have left. Woo-hoooo! Merry Christmas! I cried and got grumpy. Ernie decided to try to get the baking element out to see if it matches a newer part. Only problem? He forgot we'd plugged the stove back in that morning. Whoops. I heard a yell come out of Ernie that I'd never heard before. We thought we'd totally destroyed the whole thing but eventually realized it had it's own circuit breaker. So we're back to having a stove top but no oven. We did eventually find a part online and we have our fingers crossed that it will fix it....because we went out and looked at stove and god damn they are expensive. There were some Samsungs I kinda liked but they all have buttons on the top that say things like "crispy pizza" or "chicken nuggets"! I am NOT buying a stove that says chicken nuggets on it. What were they thinking? Ernie just shook his head and told me he loved me. But honestly.....CHICKEN NUGGETS on the back of my stove for the rest of eternity?

Well, no matter as we can't afford a stove. Whew.

8. Well, enough about my Christmas squalor. Don't forget about KEVIN GORDON on New Year's Day! Potluck at 4:00 (bring something baked...ha!) and music at 5:00ish. Bring CASH, no PayPal this time. I'll be making Hoppin John and something else.....bring greens or cornbread or nothing at all. Just come and enjoy. He is a magnificent songwriter and a sweet pea to boot. Hope to see you! Just yell if you have any questions!

 

9. And on that note I must go as I'm in the kitchen and Ernie is attempting to take apart the dishwasher and he's getting REALLY grumpy! For the sake of a happy marriage and continuing our pleasant Christmas squalor...I bid you goodbye.

Merry Christmas all (twelve days...remember?)

 

Random Notes from the Sandwich Life

1. The other day Leo stomped downstairs and said, "It 5 below out there."  Ernie and I said, "Noooo...there's no way it's 5 below today." Leo rolled his eyes and said, "Well in celsius of course....I don't use the stupid imperial system!"

2. Leo HATES our house concerts which is why you will rarely see him downstairs on those evenings. When I told him about our Christmas show with Rod Picott, Wild Ponies, and Amy Speace, I mentioned that it was early (December 5) and that it would be crowded with all of them as well as a stand up bass and a keyboard, so perhaps we wouldn't put the Christmas trees up until afterward. He was appalled. Utterly appalled. He told me in disgust that I could NOT have a Christmas party without the Christmas tree. We finally decided that we would move the black chest out of the living room into the media room and then the tree could go in the corner. I love my Christmas boy.

3. Don't forget---this is the Christmas ornament I'm looking for. It was Leo's FAVORITE and it got broken. I know there have to be others out there as I've found a picture or two online....it was very thin blown glass with a glass loop for the hook. 

 

4. Last night the cats were all hudlled over a heater vent which means one thing: Mouse Watch 2014. This morning I was greeted with the news that when Ernie came downstairs with Rascal, Rascal's nose went into overdrive and the found a mouse in my BOOT! He pulled the poor little thing out and had the time of his life for the next 45 minutes until Ernie could get it away from him.

Let me repeat.....in my BOOT.

 

5. And now....despite the fact that I said I'm a bigger fan of Ian's solo stuff....this Mott nugget made me pretty damn happy this morning. See? I told you Ian has always known the power of a black jacket and white shirt!

 

My Day In 38 Steps

1. Ernie wakes me up at 6:30. I say "I hate you" because I couldn't sleep half the night and was finally sleeping.

2. Ernie wakes me up again at 7:00. I say, "I still hate you" but manage to drag myself out of bed.

3. At 7:21 I tell Owen to make sure he's ready on time, and I yell to Leo that it's time to come downstairs.

4. 7:45 we finally pull out of the drive way. I drop Leo off first because he needs to be there sooner even though that puts me further away from work after Owen. I drop Owen off and there's a girl lying in the street with concerned school officials. Hmmmm.

5. As I'm driving to work my phone rings. I don't get it because I'm driving but then I hear another phone ringing. When I get to work I search the car but can't find anything. I decide to check the voicemail that was left and then call Ernie's phone....but my phone dies in my hand.

6. I settle in at my desk and go through my purse.....no charger.

7. I sputter and head out to my car. I find the charger.

8. My boss calls Ernie's phone and we finally find it under the seat.

9. My phone comes back on and it's the refrigerator delivery people saying that they'll be there between 9:00 and noon.

10. I go to my 8:30 meeting.

11. Afterward I tell my boss I need to run Ernie's phone home because we don't have a land line and he needs it to make various calls today. The cats still have fleas and we need to get their medication.

12. I zoom home, hand Ernie his phone and tell him the refrigerator people are coming.

13. I get back to the office to find out someone has changed my 11:00 meeting to 10:00. It's 9:54...uhhhh. I scramble with phone calls and manage to set the meeting for 10:30.

14. I go to my 10:30 meeting which is outside looking at sites. In the middle of the meeting somebody from the high school calls me about Leo's vaccination record.....he got one of his vaccines three days before his third birthday so we need a letter from the doctor....I tell him the doctor's office has sworn they will fax it today. Otherwise Leo can't go to school beginning Wednesday.

15. I see a call from Ernie come in but don't take it because....meeting.

16. Our meeting splits up to go to another location. As I walk over there Ernie calls again. The refrigerator guys can't get the refrigerator through the kitchen door. Even though supposedly it's the same size as our old one....even after taking the doors off...they can't get it in. Ernie is yelling. I am yelling. Ernie said he had to send the refrigerator back to the store.

17. I get to the rest of my meeting and try to seem composed.

18. After the meeting I walk back to work and the phone rings. It is Owen, calling from school because he's sick.

19. I whimper a lot and tell him I don't know if I can come get him. He sounds truly pathetic so I say I'll be there in 15 or 20 minutes.

20. I rush to my office to get my keys and rant to my boss and my colleague while almost crying.

21. I drive to school and get Owen. As soon as I see him I know he's really sick...his face flushed with fever.

22. I accompany him to his locker. 

23. I take him home.

24. Ernie and I sit and stare each other and wonder what to do. I obsessively google various models of refrigerators.

25. We go to the appliance place and tell them our sad tale of woe.

26. There aren't a lot of options. The one I'd like to get will take one to two weeks to get in.

27. I wander from refrigerator one to refrigerator two to refrigerator three and back again. And again.

28. The sales guy gets on the phone and comes back with good news. He tracked down one of the ones I want and we can get it tomorrow.

29. We go to the hardware store so Ernie can get the part to cap off the water line so we can turn the water back on, as they had to turn it off when they were taking our old refrigerator out.

30. We stop at a gas station to buy more fucking ice. ONE MORE BAG OF FUCKING ICE.

31. We get home and the part doesn't work. Ernie swears a lot.

32. I write a letter for work and we finally get another part for the refriterator line.

33. It leaks like hell so Ernie tightens is up more and it's stops dripping.

34. We check on Owen. I decide it's too late to go back to work.....it's almost 4:00 and I know the state I'm in I won't get anything done.

35. I take Ernie to Fries & Peanuts and buy him a drink. We sit and stare at each other.

36. We come home, sooth our sick boy, tell Leo the saga and Ernie and Owen go to the media room. I come here to spout.

37. I'm planning to order from Peking Garden for dinner. They deliver and we can get egg drop soup for Owen.

38. I have no fucking idea what will happen next.

I Give

We did it. We bought a refrigerator. I just couldn't take it anymore. It's been a month. We've lost a bunch of food and all I buy is ice. All I do is buy fucking ice. All my beautiful roasted tomatoes that I had harvested from our garden? They got moldy and we had to throw them out. Hours and HOURS of roasting tomatoes. Damn it.

The refrigerator gets delivered on Monday.

That means I still have to go and buy ice today but there's light, icy cold light, at the end of the tunnel. 

Let's review. A year ago this summer we had to buy a new furnace/air conditioner when ours died, this spring we had to buy a new (used) car after the Honda got totalled, and now a refrigerator. No wonder I get stressed out about debt, huh?

Eh.

On a postivie note, Ernie has a new dashing sling.

Yep. That's all I got.

Gotta head out to work in a few minutes.  I'd kind of like to go see Marshall Crenshaw tonight (with two my favorite Bottle Rockets backing him up) but I'm not sure Ernie will be up for it. We'll see. 

We'll see, we'll see, we'll see.

At least I got good sweet peas.