The Sandwich Life

Coleslaw for Judi

I had a delightful evening last night. I left work a little early because I decided to work a day that I'd already requested off. It's too much bother to change that so I just treated myself to sliding out a little early. We stopped at Fries and Peanuts for a drink and chatted a bit and then headed home. Ernie started the grill for ribs and I buried myself in one of my favorite Georgette Heyer books. Oh good GOD it was wonderful. I still have to finish it tonight....I tried to pace myself so it didn't go by too quickly....

When I was in high school I got to visit my hero, Lowell Innes, who had recently published his classic book, Pittsburgh Glass 1797-1891. I had written him a fan letter and sent it to the publisher who forwarded it on to him. I got a delightful letter from him (he was tickled to have a 16 year old fan) and so my parents, being the soft touches they were, took me to see him when he was lecturing at the  Henry Ford Museum not long after that. He was utterly delightful and I was smitten. Later we visited him at his house in Maine. I remember he teased me because I was wearing a Calvin Klein jeans skirt (this WAS the 70's), and when he asked me what I liked to read, and I said Jane Austen, he said, "oh you must read Georgette Heyer too."

Sigh. I loved him.

Finally I tore myself away from the Devil's Cub and went to throw together some coleslaw. I shredded about a quarter of a cabbage in the food processor and then shredded half an onion, two beets and a turnip and mixed it all together. I made a basic dressing of mayonnaise, a sprinkle of sugar, a splash of vinegar and some salt and pepper and stirred it all until it was the most beautiful bowl of pink coleslaw I'd ever seen. We promptly named it Coleslaw for Judi as my sister had adored pink.

What a nice evening.

Oh, and in more pink news...the coneflowers are blooming so it's truly summer.

 

I'll Give Them That and Summer Looms

This weekend is Memorial Day? That seems crazy. Doesn't it feel too early? It does to me, although I'm delighted to say farewell to a busy, busy semester at work. There is lots of work to do but I will welcome the quiet of summer to do it.

I had an email at work telling me I had to finalize all my vacation leave/sick time. I took a look at all the info and realized that even with my vacation planned, I still need to use a few more days up or I will lose them. And I am NOT a believer in losing paid vacation days.... Looking at the calendar though I found it hard to fit them in between our vacation and other odds and ends. All of a sudden August is looming. How can that be?

The other day a friend asked me what Owen was doing for summer and I said, "Oh, uhhhh, well, mmmm....I don't know."  Whoops. So I went hunting online to see if I could find something. I've just never had good luck with summer camps and the like. Owen always would go along with it politely but with no real enthusiasm. Leo, well, you know, Leo. I don't know if I've raised my kids to be cynical or something but most of the time they'd look at me, sigh, and say, "well, it's kind of lame" and I'd look at what they were doing and think, well, yeah, that is kind of lame. Owen did like his Japanese class last summer but that's pretty much it.

I went over the the University's Public Engagement portal however....this is a great resource if you are here in the community---it puts all the University offerings in one place. I happily landed on the Fab Lab and have him signed up for two classes. I'm so excited. Owen has a hands on kind of creativity that no one else in the family has so I think he could really enjoy this. 

Leo of course will be off to RailCamp. We still need to get him some work boots and other odds and ends he will need. I'm trying to convince him he can actually wear a short sleeved shirt but we'll see if I manage that. I'm not sure Leo has ever been convinced to do something he didn't want to do. Amazing strength of character my children have....I'll give them that.

I'll certainly give them that.

 

Here they are with their beloved Aunt Judi....and expressing their opinions in the kitchen some ten or so years ago...

The Lotus Flower Tattoo

Lord but I was tired last night. No real reason. Thankfully it was pancake night. For some reason on pancake night I have decreed that I have to do nothing. Ernie and the boys do all the cooking, setting the table, etc. All I have to do it sit down at the table and enjoy. We had a nice time chatting and then I excused myself and retired to the cold little media room to watch DVR's episodes of the Chew while Ernie and Leo continued to chat. Watching the Chew is my guilty pleasure----even thought they keep dumbing it down further and further. I think there was a segment on tuna casserole. Ah, I didn't care.

During dinner I showed the pictures of Judi to the guys and shared the news that the Judith E. Voelkl Memorial Recreational Therapy Workshop was on Monday. AND they have designed a logo that is based on the lotus flower tattoo on her foot. Could anything possibly be more perfect?  AND Joy James, who has Judi's quilting supplies, made a gorgeous quilt which will be auctioned off. That gave me such joy. Marieke VanPuymbroeck Chancellor truly has a spirit like Judi's.

Sooo...it's Thursday, it snowed, and Judi's lotus flower tattoo lives on. Life is good today.

 

 

Children, Twister, and a Birthday

I am reconsidering having children. I realize it might be difficult to do anything about it at this late date, but where there's a will......

Have I said this before? If so, forgive me, but having one car for all of us sometimes feels like a giant game of Twister. "If I can just get my hand through here under your leg and onto the yellow, and I keep my left foot on the green...."

Most importantly however, my beloved sister Judi would have been 58 today. I will miss her forever but these pictures did bring a smile to my face today. Happy Birthday Judi! 

 

Smoked Fish for 44 Cents and Cherry Juice for a Quarter

Another Saturday spent sorting through pictures and odds and ends, trying to figure out what to keep and what would hurt too much to throw out. For a family that I thought was poorly photo-documented I feel as though I suddenly have a ton of pictures. I sort through them, throwing out ones of people that I don't know, but am still left with a chunk of my sisters' childhoods and a good bit of mine sitting in a dusty box. So I'll scan some and put the rest away in boxes....and leave them for the boys to sort through someday? They'll look at them and try to decide if the baby pictures are of me or Judi, and wonder who the other people are. The little glimpses of my family's life when I was young, and even from when before I was born....those won't speak to them they way they do to me. And yet...I can't bear to throw them in the trash.

Debbie in our backyard. I don't even remember the yard looking like that...so bare, without trees....

And here's my Dad, perhaps getting the beach umbrella ready? I look at that picture of my grandmother and I can just smell her. She smelled so good. She had a cloth bag that she took to the beach instead of a purse and I took it when we closed up their house. I could still smell her for a long time but it finally faded away.

I know I could scan them and then throw them out, but handling these photos speaks to me in way a scan can't. I love the scans but the actual photo, the size, the finishing, what pictures are on top or below it, the wear and the dust....all those things say more to me than a scan can. 

So here I sit, with my stacks of old photographs.

It's not just the photographs though. On my bedside table has been sitting a little notebook that I found when we were digging through Judi's things. It's a journal of somebody's vacation in 1939. Some nights before I go to bed I read a page or two about one of their days and I want desperately to go rent a cabin for 3 dollars and buy a 1/2 gallon of cherry juice for a quarter, and peaches for 15 cents.

I scanned it. I suppose I could get rid of it. But you know me. I'll keep it and put it next to my boxes of photos. Sometimes I wish objects didn't speak to me so loudly but for better or worse they do, and I don't know how not to listen.

If you click on the images, it will enlarge them so you can follow along on their adventures...

Dust and Free Floating Anxiety

I've been up since 4:30 this morning...unable to get back to sleep, twisting and turning with worries racing through my head. Some are real, some aren't, but they all leave me feeling restless and tired. I finally got up, hoping I could escape the low hanging cloud of free floating anxiety. It hasn't worked terribly well.

I've been working on our taxes. I don't have all the forms yet but I want to have an idea of how much we'll get back..not as much this year unfortunately which added to my general haze of unease. I almost spit at the computer I got so frustrated with Turbo Tax. I finally harumphed over to H & R Block and tried their program but oddly it gave me a bit less money and irritated me too so I guess I'm stuck with Turbo Tax despite it refusing to import last year's information and glitching out on me periodically.

After I finished the tax stuff I still couldn't relax so I dragged Ernie upstairs to work on the Fourth Room. We were supposed to focus on it all weekend but eh....  I sorted books, saving some, putting others in a donate box. After books were stacks of prints and posters and frames. Some have to be saved (my two Vertebrats posters...how I regret getting rid of the others...sigh), others I put in the donate pile. My father's Boston College diploma, with its broken glass, I reluctantly pitched. I just can't keep everything I keep tellling myself.

I feel myself getting so frustrated by all of the THINGS and the responsibility of having all these THINGS. Far too many things piled up in our house, and yet I am someone who gets attached to things....who imbues them with feelings and meanings that they surely don't really have. Why else do I love antiques so...but for all the history and stories they bring with them? I'm hopeless.

Ernie brought a box over and in it were four paintings that my grandmother had done of flowers. When I was a kid I just thought it was so incredibly magic and exotic that my grandmother could paint like that. I pulled them out of the box and looked at them and I just felt frantic at having nowhere for them. My mother had given those to Judi a long time ago and I was furious because I had wanted them too. I had asked Judi if I could have one of them and she refused. I was SO angry at her....angry for a long time. And now she is gone and I have them with nowhere to put them. It fucking breaks my heart and makes me so angry, far angrier than I ever was at my sister.

So I cried.

Between that and all the dust I have a headache. I hate days like this.

 

Celebrating with Chopped Vegetables

We had a lovely, lovely anniversary---thank you for all the kind wishes. We did nothing big or exciting but it felt celebratory. We went out for a drink and giggled a bit. Then we headed home (the boys were out with Susan) and started cooking for the house concert on Saturday. Normally Ernie is my sous chef and does a lot of the chopping but he still can't do that with his arm in the sling so I chopped and he manned the computer playing songs we listened to when we first got together.

Some of the winners:

 

 

We simmered black beans for our Halloween chili, and sauteed a big pile of chopped onion, carrots, celery, garlic and juniper berries with some bacon for our French green lentils. I can't think of a lovelier way to spend an evening. The boys came bursting in and we chatted. I made them let me hug them and kiss them. I told Leo Happy Anniversary and he gave me one of his crooked smiles and told me I was crazy.

We reminisced about last year's 25th anniversary. That was such a special thing....it may sound funny, but we still feel the glow from that, and it made this year's anniversary feel even more special. Back in 2008 when we felt like we were falling apart from the quadruple whammies of Ernie's cancer returning, my father's recent death, my mother's decline, and looking at my sister's last few months, we had our first house concert. Inspired by our love for Kieran Kane, Kevin Welch and Fats Kaplin and the joy we'd found earlier that year when Kenny Draznik, Paul Budin and Pat Dailey all came and played in our house, we went ahead and convinced Kieran, Kevin and Fats to play at our house. All I could think at that time was the fact that this was going to be our 20th anniversary and I didn't know how many more we'd see. Now it's 6 years later and Ernie is doing well although my mother and Judi are gone, and I try to savor each and every day I have with my loved ones. I'm more successful some days than other days but I try to hold tight to the moment and chopping vegetables and listening to music with Ernie last night felt like a true celebration.

 

Friday's Coming to Save Me!

 

I'm tired this morning and I don't know why in particular, but this song is making me feel so good. Still tired, but very, very good.

Thanks for the kind words of so many regarding our experience at the Carle Cancer Center. I do want to say that we normally get great care, I'm not bashing Carle overall....just this particular experience. I did not follow up with Carle but my friend Teri did send it to someone and we have been told that it was forwarded to the director of the Cancer Center and Patient Relations or something like that. I was glad Teri sent it on as I just didn't have the emotional energy to do it. When I get angry about something like that it's as though it crystallizes all my anger and frustration about dealing with cancer into one flame....and that's incredibly exhausting. So. Onward.

I'm not sure that crystalize/flame analogy makes any sense now that I think about it....but I'm assuming you get the point....

In a brilliantly timed bright spot however, we found out that our beloved Sergio Webb will be accompanying Irene Kelley this Friday. What an incredible night this will be. We are so lucky to have talent of this calibre in our home. Just amazing. Food theme is SaladFest 2.0 but bring anything you like. BYOB. $20 suggested donation---all goes to artist. Bring a friend....this will be a great evening! To pay up, just click the 'make a reservation' link at the top right of this page.

Here's a song that gets to me. Sister's Heart. 

 

Sister’s Heart
Irene Kelley/Jon Weisberger

It’s a deep quiet place but the sun still seems to shine
No easy way to get there but a treasure once you find
Love without condition always standing guard
No safer place for secrets inside a sister’s heart

Should you stay should you leave
Should you tell him ‘yes or no’
A hundred miles of broken dreams, a hundred more to go
When you’re lookin’ for some comfort
And you don’t know where to start
The door is always open inside a sister’s heart

**Sister’s heart, Sister’s hear, Blood runs deep for all time in a sister’s heart

She’s like looking at a stranger; she’s like lookin’ in the mirror
Makes me weak with laughter, spittin’ mad with tears
She could hand me to the devil; she could tear my world apart
But, there’s not one drop of evil inside a sister’s heart

Thanks to all for the love and for the music folks. Please join us on Friday to celebrate summer, and sisters, and all of it! All are welcome....don't be shy!

Random Notes from the Sandwich Life and some Heartfelt Thanks

1. Yesterday we had planned to have the panzanella I had made in the afternoon for dinner. It was sitting in the kitchen and it was SO DAMN good that every time either one of us went by we snatched a piece of the dried bread all softened with summery tomato juices and basil and vinaigrette.....so when it was time for dinner we looked at it and agreed we needed to add more bread. I had a quesadilla with some cucumbers on the side. It was an every man for himself kind of Sunday dinner.

2. If you see me today, please be aware that I KNOW I have a curry powder spot on my dress. It didn't come out in the wash and I just didn't want to go back upstairs for something else to wear. It's Monday folks.

3. Last night I roasted a big pan of roma tomatoes...just a bit of olive oil, some unpeeled garlic, salt and pepper....two hours at 375. We'll put them through a food mill and into the freezer they will go.

4. Now I'm kinda wishing I'd been more productive yesterday. Eh, for every up there is a down....can't really complain...

5. Frankly....I want to be sitting in this yard today:

 

 6. It crossed my mind this weekend that it's a been a YEAR since Debbie got sick in Maine. I went back and read some of the entries and I find it hard to believe that it was only a year ago. It seems much, much longer ago. As I read through some of the posts about it, and some of the facebook messages and it brings tears to my eyes. The fact that this happened the one week out of the year that we were with  her....truly does seem like a miracle. Any other week and odds are she would not be here today. I am so grateful. I can't imagine not having her in my life.

7. It also reminds me of how over the top kind and generous so many friends of both hers and mine were, contributing money to help with our hotel costs (of course it all happened the day we were checking out of our place AND there was a marathon going on in Portland so hardly any hotels available...just very expensive ones) and with the cost of boarding her cat, etc., etc. I want to say something more articulate than that 'blew us away' and yet it describes the feeling so well. I still hold each and every one of you in my heart for your kindness. It is not forgotten.

 

I don't even know why

Tonight we watched the last couple of episodes of the tv show Parenthood. I haven't felt great yesterday or today and there was a snake incident outside so we were just tucked inside for the night (I know the snake wasn't TRYING to attack me but it showed up right in front of the front steps and it should have known that was off limits). I really liked the first season or so of Parenthood but it seems like some of the writing has gone downhill. We've been sucked in though so we keep watching.

During one of the last episodes a character was saying goodbye to another woman dying of cancer. Ernie immediately began sniffling. Me? I'm a master of denial. I picked up my iPad and started pecking at facebook and said to Ernie, "just shove it away, just shove it away." I have this icy part of myself that can do that although of course it doesn't really shove it away. He wiped his eyes and said, "I just miss your sister so much."

I just sat there dry-eyed, feeling it. Feeling how much I missed her.

I read an interview with Ian Hunter once in which someone asked him if he missed Mick Ronson on stage. And of course I'm paraphrasing greatly, but what he said was something to the effect of, "Mick was the one who put the steaks on the grill...that's what I miss." And while I might have that quote completely wrong, I think of it often. What I miss about Judi isn't her talent or skills or ambition, although those were formidable, what I miss is the role she played in our everyday life. I miss that she was going to take the boys on a trip with just her as soon as they got old enough. I miss that she was going to give the guys a dog when they were old enough even though we didn't want one. I miss the fact that she would drive me crazy on the phone, but that she was the one I called first with any questions about jobs or universities or our parents...or to complain about anything that was affecting us. I guess I miss the way she would have put steaks on the grill if she were Mick Ronson.

I miss the part of our life that she was, and can never ever be replaced by anybody else.

Ernie got up much, much earlier than me today and when he was getting tired I went to bed with him. I laid there playing songs on my iPad and all I could think of was Judi. I can't even say why. Eventually I came downstairs to sit at the computer.

Look how cute we are. Lord I was so much thinner...and no grey in the hair. And Judi.....Judi always had the best laugh. Look at her. We were sitting on my parents' back steps. Maybe 1990ish?

For some reason I started playing songs from one of my all-time favorite albums....The Lost Weekend by Danny and Dusty. 

  

This song has always made me cry.

Love to everybody that misses Judi....and those who cry when they hear this song. I want to thank you and I don't even know why.